stomach-y feeling
there was an incident very early on with my ex that told me everything i needed to know about him, so naturally i ignored it. i guess i really wanted to be with someone, although i never thought of myself that way, one of those people who have to be in a relationship all the time. however, i was in a relationship all the time, so go ahead and do that math.
we had been together about two months, and it was the first time he was meeting my friend T. although it was early in the relationship i was already confident this was going to be something, and felt a twinge of annoyance when he stated that he would introduce me to his friends "in time." i felt the arm's length distance already, but hey, it was only two months.
trying to talk to him about his past was confusing. he volunteered and freely discussed cheating constantly during a previous long term relationship, but then when questioned he would offer one word answers that had all the emotion bled from them. when i asked if she was upset when he dumped her unceremoniously because he found someone better to sleep with he replied "somewhat." not sarcastically, because that would have been hilarious. he was not hilarious. it was like he was telling me something and nothing at the same time. i think he led with the cheating story because it is the only interesting thing about him. for every subsequent topic he pulled from a bland adjective lazy-susan, rotating between "good," "fine," "ok," and of course, "somewhat."
so imagine my surprise when he becomes so interested in something T is saying he gets up from his seat at the table where a group of us are having afternoon drinks in NYC and asks me to move so he can sit next to her. they then proceed to bend their heads together, engrossed, rapidly exchanging salsa recipes or Lady GaGa lyrics or who knows what, as i wander over to the bar feeling sick to my stomach and violently, irrationally angry. i don't know what it is, i only know there is nothing i have ever said to this day that has elicited this response from him, and as i watch him hanging on her every word, literally on the edge of his seat focused on T i am filled with a jealous rage i have never experienced and i don't know what to do with it. it's not sexual jealousy, there is nothing flirtatious in the way they are sitting, and T is married and would never do that anyway. no, i am jealous of the attention i have to work so hard for handed generously over to T so effortlessly. it makes me feel like such a child i stomp on it until it lines the bottom of my feet and i saunter over to them planning on doing what i do best: making a joke and segueing to a another super ridiculous topic of conversation. as soon as my ex sees me in his peripheral vision he turns to me with a blunt "go away" that is so unexpected it stuns me for a minute, and T leans toward me and says "he's asking me about YOU, that's what we're talking about" as if this is reassuring. it is not reassuring. in fact, it makes things much, much worse. there is nothing i wouldn't tell him if he asked, but he doesn't. when i tell him anyway, he stares blandly and politely, there are never any follow up questions. so why am i such a riveting focal point in this animated intense conversation that has nothing to do with me? and why am i not allowed to be in it's presence? and why did his "go away" feel like boiling water in my face?
i was mad, but i couldn't really articulate why i was really mad, and that seemed to render it invalid. it gave my ex plenty of room to act like he didn't understand and never apologize or even acknowledge any tiny morsel of it as crappy behavior.
it was my first time feeling how withholding he was, my first time witnessing him turning it on for other people, my first time realizing how allergic he was to taking responsibility for his actions. my gut told me everything i needed to know but without the words it didn't seem legit, and why is that? why in the moment of confusion do i give the benefit of the doubt to someone i hardly know? it was only two damn months! i assume all these wonderful qualities in him i have never seen, yet i KNOW i have those qualities and they count for nothing.
how do i not do this again? how do i become the person who walks out of that bar and just never talks to that guy again, and never thinks about it because he is an unworthy jackass? how do i become someone who believes a stomach ache is a good enough reason to wait for someone who never gives me a stomach ache?
we had been together about two months, and it was the first time he was meeting my friend T. although it was early in the relationship i was already confident this was going to be something, and felt a twinge of annoyance when he stated that he would introduce me to his friends "in time." i felt the arm's length distance already, but hey, it was only two months.
trying to talk to him about his past was confusing. he volunteered and freely discussed cheating constantly during a previous long term relationship, but then when questioned he would offer one word answers that had all the emotion bled from them. when i asked if she was upset when he dumped her unceremoniously because he found someone better to sleep with he replied "somewhat." not sarcastically, because that would have been hilarious. he was not hilarious. it was like he was telling me something and nothing at the same time. i think he led with the cheating story because it is the only interesting thing about him. for every subsequent topic he pulled from a bland adjective lazy-susan, rotating between "good," "fine," "ok," and of course, "somewhat."
so imagine my surprise when he becomes so interested in something T is saying he gets up from his seat at the table where a group of us are having afternoon drinks in NYC and asks me to move so he can sit next to her. they then proceed to bend their heads together, engrossed, rapidly exchanging salsa recipes or Lady GaGa lyrics or who knows what, as i wander over to the bar feeling sick to my stomach and violently, irrationally angry. i don't know what it is, i only know there is nothing i have ever said to this day that has elicited this response from him, and as i watch him hanging on her every word, literally on the edge of his seat focused on T i am filled with a jealous rage i have never experienced and i don't know what to do with it. it's not sexual jealousy, there is nothing flirtatious in the way they are sitting, and T is married and would never do that anyway. no, i am jealous of the attention i have to work so hard for handed generously over to T so effortlessly. it makes me feel like such a child i stomp on it until it lines the bottom of my feet and i saunter over to them planning on doing what i do best: making a joke and segueing to a another super ridiculous topic of conversation. as soon as my ex sees me in his peripheral vision he turns to me with a blunt "go away" that is so unexpected it stuns me for a minute, and T leans toward me and says "he's asking me about YOU, that's what we're talking about" as if this is reassuring. it is not reassuring. in fact, it makes things much, much worse. there is nothing i wouldn't tell him if he asked, but he doesn't. when i tell him anyway, he stares blandly and politely, there are never any follow up questions. so why am i such a riveting focal point in this animated intense conversation that has nothing to do with me? and why am i not allowed to be in it's presence? and why did his "go away" feel like boiling water in my face?
i was mad, but i couldn't really articulate why i was really mad, and that seemed to render it invalid. it gave my ex plenty of room to act like he didn't understand and never apologize or even acknowledge any tiny morsel of it as crappy behavior.
it was my first time feeling how withholding he was, my first time witnessing him turning it on for other people, my first time realizing how allergic he was to taking responsibility for his actions. my gut told me everything i needed to know but without the words it didn't seem legit, and why is that? why in the moment of confusion do i give the benefit of the doubt to someone i hardly know? it was only two damn months! i assume all these wonderful qualities in him i have never seen, yet i KNOW i have those qualities and they count for nothing.
how do i not do this again? how do i become the person who walks out of that bar and just never talks to that guy again, and never thinks about it because he is an unworthy jackass? how do i become someone who believes a stomach ache is a good enough reason to wait for someone who never gives me a stomach ache?
Replies
I could say the same, I saw many red flags at the beginning. The problem I think can be that we don\'t see this as a long term relationship at the beginning, at least didn\'t see it going that far. I became addicted to him and the mean--sweet cycle as time went on.I couldn\'t leave him, then over time lost myself.
I think we just have to learn from the past, I know that it\'s difficult to trust our instincts again but I believe we can do. I would have to go a long long way to find another one like my ex. He was one of a kind in all the wrong ways.
It was triangulation, even though she was married and they were not flirting. It was him giving her his undivided attention which he was not ever giving to you. They are very clever with the emotional torturing.
Yes, as strength pointed out, we let things go early on as we are not that invested, but really, any time you feel that upset in the company of a man, that should be the end of it. I do not think it is possible to upset someone that much accidentally. Your intuition is yelling at you.
thank you so much for your comments! that so true strength, addiction is a very good way of describing the way we get sucked into the cycles. i think i got so focused on how to crack the code that would get me the love and attention i was looking for it became like a hypnotic puzzle, and it was hard to see that i shouldn\'t have to work so hard for basic human compassion. and thank you kris for \"triangulation\"....of course! and it\'s no coincidence it\'s so close to the word \"strangulation.\" it\'s so validating to have you see it as the torture it felt like, in the moment i felt like a spoiled child and it just sucked.
I do not think it is possible to upset someone that much accidentally. Your intuition is yelling at you.
that is a GREAT line and will be something i chant to myself as a way of keeping myself aware and away from psychos in the future. thank you for the mantra.
This is a really great thing you\'re doing. I\'m definitely checking it out!