Still waiting
Guess I have to put my goal on the back burner a while. Apparently, it is not acceptable to the stb ex for me to have anything resembling success in my life. Whatever...he can basically only slow me down and destroy...how impressive is that?
But, I am packing and planning and making sure to get the bills paid and NOT giving up/in...
But, I am packing and planning and making sure to get the bills paid and NOT giving up/in...
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It\'s feels like slow going lately. Or like everything good is just an illusion to get my hopes up before dashing them. In one spot, I know better than to go by my feelings in terms of evaluating reality, but it\'s hard not to be affected by them. Especially when I do know in a \"perfect world\", emotions are \"signals\" and a barometer of sorts.
I am tired; really sucked that no garden this year or a few other things. It would be nice to be able to settle down and work on a few fun projects while waiting. I was working on the house (and still am), but I sort of lost my \"oomph\" when it was made clear to me that it\'s going to be dirty pool and lies all the way to the end.
That is one thing I learned throughout the course of this sham \"relationship\", though...when treated fairly, when love exists, where there is hope and choice and opportunity, God and the human spirit are not bounded...and the strength to \"do\" is there and then some. I\'m not really sure how to be able to see and know those things still exist when I feel so alone in the middle of limbo....day after day.
I also wish that I could identify the voice of God and the voice of wisdom more easily. It is most hard when everything screams at me, \"this is too much to bear\" and the silence seems to echo back, \"just a little more\".
I remember when I saw the \"Karate Kid\" movie with Jackie Chan a few years ago. How the kid had to keep dropping his coat and picking it up...how he needed to make the connection...self-discipline, respect...I was trying to find the lessons for me but I know I moved off track because of all the emotional chaos (and b/c no Jackie Chan in my life!), so I guess getting back to that would be helpful. Also, to remember how, despite how much Jackie had to impart that was useful and helpful for life, his character had suffered the most profound loss in life: the death of his wife and child in a senseless accident. That again, there are no guarantees in life, so to do my best to appreciate every drop of joy and even the hard emotions, because memories are what we make and sometimes, they are all that are left to us. I will have to reread this later and try to sort some things out in my own mind.
Yikes! I listened to a 40 minute recording of me discussing our \"marriage\" with STBex back in late December. I actually feel pretty good about how I handled myself during the conversation...poised, honest, factual...not even interrupting (BAD habit) to speak of. I\'ve been so paralyzed and down on myself for a while; know it\'s the situation, but you know, sometimes the knowledge just doesn\'t help. But I heard my younger daughter and I talking at the tail end (the conversation-phone-had ended) when she came home from work. She even sounded so much better, younger and more carefree. Trying to be keeping from getting tangled up in anger, but it makes me angry that three evil people (yes, it looks like another man\'s wife HAS moved in next door!) who are catering only to their selfish lower desires and feelings can just-I tell you, I wish I had the money; we would just move. It is ridiculous to have to just have to keep tolerating and tolerating. I\'ve said all I can say, prayed and tried to work things out amicably. No dice. I have to also make the property list and values, like I don\'t have enough stuff to do! Had a good laugh this morning, though. He, the HoHO and Mommie all on the back deck. Him, slavishly kotowing to supposed senility. Her, just running away from her own failures, feeling powerful from a conquest that required nothing but spreading her legs. Not like she chose herself a real challenge!
So, still on hold. Unilateral decision to end my life as I know it. It\'s all like living in a sordid soap opera and I hate it. And now, again, playing the sympathy card. He only has $1.19. He doesn\'t want to live with Mother. So sad to be doing that to our daughter. What is so hard about growing up and discussing things with your wife, even if you are divorcing her? Nothing. Guess it\'s false pride. Plus the money thing. If I were to get $1 million, he would be crawling on his belly, doing whatever. So I guess I\'ll work on the $1 million after the divorce. Sort of kidding, but just work and work on things which are much more satisfying than $$.