still waiting

4 weeks since  I completed my first 2 infusions of Rituxan.  I continue to feel like crap, lots of pain, no energy and insomnia.  Hands swollen, feet hurt like crazy and I wonder if I will ever feel better.  I am sick of crying, I am sick of feeling like crap.  I want my house to be clean and I want to be able to enjoy my grandkids.  I am sick of crying, I am sick of pain and I am sick of waiting and hoping that it will kick in.  I see Doc Miller on 9/1 and I hope he allows me to increase my Prednisone. I am also gonna ask him for something to help me sleep.  Some days I honestly pray that I don't wake up..if I was lucky enough to be asleep anyway.  Not that I would do anything but.....I can see how frustrating it can be.  I hate being Mrs negative all the time but how can I be anything other than that when it feels like there is an ice pick jabbing into the palm of my hand.