still sucks

Had I known it would disturb me so much I would not have broughtall my past out. I do not want to feel it.I have been feeling good again, and I want to continue feeling good. This is not the same as depression because I do have hope. It is just overwhelming emotion that I do not know what to do with. I tried to be distracted and hung out with friends tonight and as soon as I got home the hurt was just there. I dont have to look for it, it is just there.It is like when you have to pee really bad and you try to think of something else but the pain is there and you really have to go no matter what you do to distract. I feel sometimes like I am going to bust. Normal people cry when they feel this,intense emotion , I just feel it build and build. I want to cry for relief. I do not know if the relief would actually come with the tears, but I am willing to cry if it started to happen I would not stop it at this point.I really wish I could stay at someones house tonight because I just dont want to be at home alone. I just want to feel safe and not alone. I know I have friends but I guess this is just one I have to do alone.