Still struggling with my decision...
I am still struggling in my decision to stay or go... I know this should really be a no brainer, and I look like the worlds biggest dummy.
Christmas Eve/Day weekend was nice... it was a good weekend. I could tell when he got disappointed how much he worked to not pout like a child, and move on. We didnt fight, we played and had alot of fun. Even when I left early Sunday due to us having a Winter Storm and worrying the roads will freeze, he was disappointed, but did not complain. Its times like these that I love and miss... they are few and far between, and I know that just because Christmas weekend was a good one, doesnt mean things will get better and they all will be good ones.
My significant other also worked a job where he gets no PTO. If he takes a day off he doesnt get paid. I know this is hard, and he hasnt taken time off in forever because of this. When his boss isnt there, he likes to clock in and leave so he can still have a 'day off' but still get paid. This is a very bad thing to do, and he can get caught so easy. I always told him that it might be best if he doesnt do this, and he gives me the whole 'I deserve this' speech... so I just tell him, well be really careful then, because if you get caught, you most likely will get fired. So his boss is off the whole week after christmas, and yesterday, he decided to go clock in and leave. Well his bosses best friend shows up and tells the boss that he wasnt there. The boss discovered that he had clocked in but not out. He had a good cover story, but I know he will be watched like a hawk now if he gets away with it. Plus, he had another co-worker covering for him, so he may bring that person down too. Anyways, he emailed me the email he received from his boss, and then his response... and all I could think about is this person sounds like a whiny child. 'I havent taken time off in 4 years, everyone else is allowed to take time off, why am I not?' etc, etc... (This was in response to his email to take Weds, Thurs, and Friday off) He told his boss he was at work tuesday, that their friend just didnt see him. If that is believed, we will see.
I dont know... this really bothered me. Not only could he potentially lose his job, but that whiny email was a big 'throw up in my mouth a little bit' too. Then I realized, I wonder if this is the way he emails me... I am sure it is and he has me feeling so guilty that I dont see it. But, ick, it really made me take a step back and decide if this is the type of person I want to be with.
My biggest obstacle is my guilt. I do feel, well if he is treating my good for the most part, and not doing anything to hurt me, then is it right to just say, we arent right together, and I want to leave? I am sure it is, but why do I have such a hard time doing it?
Also, I had a bad dream about him last night. He did cheat on me 3 years ago, so that is where my bad dreams stem from. I dreamed that he was still messaging and communicating with a girl, he knows that I feel uncomfortable with him talking to (because he tried to date her before we got serious). He kind of just laughed it off. Then later, we were out somewhere with a bunch of people and this blonde girl kept smirking at me because she knew she could take him from me. So I sat back and watched her go up to him and kiss him, and he responded to her. I went up to him pissed, and asked, 'So, I guess this means we arent together anymore?' And he said... 'I guess so'. I was hurt, but infuriated, and took all of his stuff I got him and started throwing it to the people at what ever place we were... saying do you want this, here take it. He never did react, then I woke up.
Yeah, this is where I am at... Dont know what the future holds. I still find myself looking alot internally to determine the path I need to be on.
Christmas Eve/Day weekend was nice... it was a good weekend. I could tell when he got disappointed how much he worked to not pout like a child, and move on. We didnt fight, we played and had alot of fun. Even when I left early Sunday due to us having a Winter Storm and worrying the roads will freeze, he was disappointed, but did not complain. Its times like these that I love and miss... they are few and far between, and I know that just because Christmas weekend was a good one, doesnt mean things will get better and they all will be good ones.
My significant other also worked a job where he gets no PTO. If he takes a day off he doesnt get paid. I know this is hard, and he hasnt taken time off in forever because of this. When his boss isnt there, he likes to clock in and leave so he can still have a 'day off' but still get paid. This is a very bad thing to do, and he can get caught so easy. I always told him that it might be best if he doesnt do this, and he gives me the whole 'I deserve this' speech... so I just tell him, well be really careful then, because if you get caught, you most likely will get fired. So his boss is off the whole week after christmas, and yesterday, he decided to go clock in and leave. Well his bosses best friend shows up and tells the boss that he wasnt there. The boss discovered that he had clocked in but not out. He had a good cover story, but I know he will be watched like a hawk now if he gets away with it. Plus, he had another co-worker covering for him, so he may bring that person down too. Anyways, he emailed me the email he received from his boss, and then his response... and all I could think about is this person sounds like a whiny child. 'I havent taken time off in 4 years, everyone else is allowed to take time off, why am I not?' etc, etc... (This was in response to his email to take Weds, Thurs, and Friday off) He told his boss he was at work tuesday, that their friend just didnt see him. If that is believed, we will see.
I dont know... this really bothered me. Not only could he potentially lose his job, but that whiny email was a big 'throw up in my mouth a little bit' too. Then I realized, I wonder if this is the way he emails me... I am sure it is and he has me feeling so guilty that I dont see it. But, ick, it really made me take a step back and decide if this is the type of person I want to be with.
My biggest obstacle is my guilt. I do feel, well if he is treating my good for the most part, and not doing anything to hurt me, then is it right to just say, we arent right together, and I want to leave? I am sure it is, but why do I have such a hard time doing it?
Also, I had a bad dream about him last night. He did cheat on me 3 years ago, so that is where my bad dreams stem from. I dreamed that he was still messaging and communicating with a girl, he knows that I feel uncomfortable with him talking to (because he tried to date her before we got serious). He kind of just laughed it off. Then later, we were out somewhere with a bunch of people and this blonde girl kept smirking at me because she knew she could take him from me. So I sat back and watched her go up to him and kiss him, and he responded to her. I went up to him pissed, and asked, 'So, I guess this means we arent together anymore?' And he said... 'I guess so'. I was hurt, but infuriated, and took all of his stuff I got him and started throwing it to the people at what ever place we were... saying do you want this, here take it. He never did react, then I woke up.
Yeah, this is where I am at... Dont know what the future holds. I still find myself looking alot internally to determine the path I need to be on.
Replies
Keep looking internally. Just because someone is basically good to you, doesn\'t mean they are the unique, perfect match to your character, personality and \'partner love\'. You are being given continuous \'red flags\' in reality and now in your dreams. Please listen. If you make a choice based on guilt and fear, you will deeply regret it. ((hug))
You\'re not an idiot for staying. It takes as much time as it takes, and that\'s different for everyone.
I\'m starting to see that you\'re catching on to his antics. Things you never thought twice about before, because you trusted him, are starting to make sense. I know that feeling. It\'s that sort of sick feeling in your stomach as you sit there, feeling ashamed that you\'ve been with this person at all. And then the questions start, \"what in the world did I ever see in this guy\" and, \"how come I didn\'t see this before?\". Been there, and in a way, I\'m still doing that to myself now.
All I know for sure now, when I read your description of Christmas with him, is that these guys are skilled actors. I can\'t tell you how many times I fell for that routine. Then I started to catch on, it WAS a routine. I started asking the question, \"if he can be so adorable and lovable on holidays and special occasions, especially when other people are around, why can\'t he be like this the other 360 days a year?\".
I started to sit back and observe, like you\'re doing now, and see a very disturbing pattern. He was treating me badly on purpose (because I see him control himself, I know he can!) only to treat me like a princess when we were in public to look good in front of his family and friends. I started to see how I had hung onto those few days a year, hoping and wishing, I\'d get that on a regular basis, or be like it was when we were dating. No such luck.
Now I refuse to go or celebrate anything with him. It makes me so angry that I required so little attention from him to keep things going AND he knew that. How low did I set the bar for myself? How awful did I start to feel about myself that I put up with this? I clung, with dear life, for those days where he treated me like he actually cared about me and thought I was special. I really started to, and to some extent still do, feel rather pathetic.
I still can\'t wrap my head around the kind of mindset that feels the need to manipulate, lie, and hurt someone they love (if they even know what love is, and I really don\'t think they do). I know for me, I wouldn\'t treat someone I didn\'t like, or even hated like that, let alone treat someone I cared about like that. That\'s just not me and is nonexistent in my value system.
I think sooner than later, you\'re going to do what you need to do for yourself. Raise the bar. Decide that you\'re worthy of so much more, and that includes, love, kindness, and honest communication from a partner. Do not settle for less, from anyone - ever again. That\'s what I\'m gonna do.