Still Struggling...
I did want to thank you all who did send encouraging and supportive messages on my last post. I do appreciate the feedback and do agree with so very much. I did have a few days to regroup while he was in the hospital, but now he is out and back home.
My birthday is coming in 2 more days and that is making things worse. (Am afraid I am on the pity party train) The last 2 days, every little request from him has me in tears.... just seeing more work, more responsibilities, andvirtually facing it alone. He is "here" but as a body not any type of support. I am thinking too much... dwelling on what I don't have ... things that do make me happy... children, animals, someone who truly loves and wants me, anything to actually look forward to. I think back to the days when I was a kid. We didn't have alot of money, but my Mom always made a special dinner and homemade cake to celebrate and make us feel special and loved. I will be working then coming home to care for him. (I will probably get a call from my sis and cousin to wish me a happy day. I should be grateful for those).
Before starting over on my own was a big deal, the other was to take a trip to see someone special. At this point, I have neither. I have looked up another attorney, but is as far as I got. Again I did put his needs before mine (as did his sisters) But it is apparent as I am in tears and wanting to walk away every time something else pops up, that if I do not do something, I am not going to survive.
I went for a routine follow up appt this morning. I did ask about increasing my antidepressant. She thought that was a good idea and scheduled a follow up to see how I am feeling in about 6 weeks. She asked if I felt suicidal. I told her I would not do anything, but as I feel right now, don't care whether I live or die. She mentioned seeing someone to talk with, but I told her all I could think was more drs and more $$$. I did tell her I have been chatting a bit with others. (Neglected to tell her it does usually fall on deaf ears. )
On here things are different. I have been fortunate to be blessed with many kind people who (like I tried to do) share their experiences and try to help others. I am so very grateful.
I have been a bit too trusting and gullible though and crossed paths with some who seemed to have their own motives for being here. I have one that has informed me this morning that I am greedy and feel nothing for anyone but myself.... and I don't feel sadness... Boy has he got that one wrong!!!
At any rate, thank you to those of you who have tried to be there for me. I would be far worse off without you.
Replies
hugs sweety.....we need you here....hugglies
Kim
As I have said many times, I will always be here for you. Any time you need to vent or whatever.
Hugs Kim.
Thank you all.
Kim, you were the first one to reach out when I joined DS early last spring. Your caring and thoughtful messages meant the world to me. Still do of course. I am not here as much but I do check in and you always have my love and support. Hang in there friend!!!!
Whomever said you were greedy should delete their account.
This is a support forum filled with many wonderful people just like you Kim!
Hang in there friend.
Your friend..Hugs Kim
I think whoever said those things about you is probably damaged. So, it's not really about you but more about whatever crap they're dealing with.
I wonder if this current struggle is really that start of you turning a corner, that maybe you are just hitting the rock bottom of your relationship with your husband, like your body and your head telling you that you can't keep doing this. Maybe this low point is really where you can finally just say ENOUGH, for real. I do think the only way out of anything is to go through it, and this right now what you're experiencing, maybe it's really you starting to move through it to get to the other side.
Glad you talked to your doctor. Keep talking. Keep reaching out so you're not in your head about this stuff.
Thank you all so very much. @rmb It never occurred to me (have been feeling like a skipping record that is doomed to continue) but you made a valid point. Once I did reach that point where I did realize that each little thing pushes me to the edge.... inside I am screaming I can't do this anymore. If this continues, I won't make it. Yes, it is time to do something.
AS he came home and I continued to do every little thing, he is doing better. As I listened to him chatting with his sister on the phone (he always uses speaker so I can hear it all) they are making idle chit chat, but all is good. Is clear things are going better... but for me, I am very near suicidal and hopeless at the thought of things as they are. Then was when I did reach out.... on here... posted a similar post on facebook (not quite as detailed, but to finally let others know this is too much and all is not hunky dory.) finally admitting all is not perfect and I am hurting. I did also decide to bring it up to the Dr as well. So yeah, I finally am taking little steps toward improving things.
He saw the post on facebook. Actually was in tears and just wanted to give me a big hug. Said he felt bad because he couldn't do anything to help me. Also wanted to reassure me that things will be ok and we can get through this. I told him I felt bad that he was upset, but I cannot help it. This is exactly as I feel. Just hopeless and can't get out of this funk. Was one way of making my point. (Like usual, don't know if he actually heard me)
I do have another # for another attorney. I am done trying to clear all the debt and split things on my own. I have friends who did do that and agree on things and file their own divorce only costing $132 (unfortunately, for us this won't be so easy) . I don't know about settling things , filing for bankruptcy (trying to avoid that, but if we lose $ on the house is more debt plus attorney fees...) but that is what the attorney is for. Is obvious I need help... time to get it.
So tomorrow, on my b-day, the day I dread... I do have ONE THING to look forward to... after work... calling that attorney and setting up first free consultation to see what I am looking at.
It seems appropriate that your birthday is now doesn’t it? Maybe a rebirth then so happy re-birthday!
Get down to business with that attorney and just get all the info you can. Sometimes that in and of itself is empowering. Keep your head held high and keep inching forward. You will pick up momentum eventually.
Thanks. :)
Hugs and prayers, Kim! I hope your meds help you get through this. Chin up! We're all here for you!