Still Struggling

Today was the end of the time period that my husband put on me not talking to this other man. 
 
I know that my husband is still not ok... and am willing to keep up the radio silence in an effort to show him... but I still... I still can't say that I don't want to talk to this other person.
 
Maybe I am insane... maybe I am willingly overlooking things... but... here is what I feel.
 
This person didn't immediately come on to me and offer me sex. He offered me words of wisdom and support, he offered me validation, he helped calm me and center me when I was ready to explode.
 
I crossed the line. I knew he was attracted to me because I can tell when people are. I could tell. But we did keep it appropriate. I was the one who finally said fuck it. I did. He let it happen, yes. He didn't stop it... but, I was the one who first crossed.
 
And, while I miss the sexual connection I had with him... the pure freedom that I could just be, could just be myself and not be thinking about if he was comfortable or not... In tune, you could say. Yes, I do miss that.
 
But more than that, and the part that kills me when my husband says that he wants me to never speak to him again... I still want him in my life as a friend. As a supporter of me. In my corner.
 
Again...maybe I'm fucking crazy... I feel crazy at times... I know that I am breaking my husband a little bit more every time I say something like that... but I can't not. I told him I'm not going to lie to him anymore... and I'm not.
 
I do know that he is really who he says he is... I know that he is someone who is struggling to overcome the immense trauma of being sexually abused - and the isolation you feel because of your sexual nature being "taboo". I do feel (I guess all these are "I feel" cause you can never KNOW anything about anyone) I feel that he cares about me, and wants me to be happy. 
 
So... yeah. It's been a hard day. My husband and I have therapy later today, and I know we'll be discussing this fucked up mess.
 
He texted me earlier... the other man... just something like "Good morning, wanted to say (I think I can) hi. Have a rad day"
 
I feel that this was said over text to try to be open/honest, and because he wants me to know that he still cares. 
 
So then... yeah, he emailed me a little bit later. Again, on my "public" email, from his... not using the emails that had gotten us in trouble. 
 
I couldn't read it. I haven't responded to him. I told my husband I wouldn't do anything until therapy, or without him being right beside me.
 
This is so fucked up, I am so fucked up. I can't stand to be in my own skin... to feel what I feel, even knowing full well what it is doing to my husband.
 
Who the hell does that?