Still Standing

i think of that night as Ken had been sick for the last 3 months of his life, having no idea the cancer had advanced to the stage that it was taking my sons life.  Put into the hospital for the last time yet me in denial ...for my baby to die was unthinkable.  As I did stand at that window looking down on the bight lights, happy couples sharing bells ringing as I described to Ken what I was seeing for that moment in time it did feel everything was at peace and joy and the scene below on the streets were for a moment blocked out the sounds of those machines attached to my son, keeping him alive and the shock I felt as I looked out and saw the beauty below.  After describing the lights the music that Christmas time had arrived and for me I did not even know or realize days had passed.  Reality hitwhen I turned from the window and once again the picture outside the window becomming a blur as i gazed at my baby not knowing if he heard me or not but the reality that outside the window was as true as inside that ICU unit just that inside away from the beauties that Christmas can bring, inside was my son not awake, not asleep, just somewhere lost in his own unable to wake up yet suffering no pain yet the machines beeping, the nurses coming in and out as we watched them checking my son there was some peace that knowing he was still fighting to live, and deep down praying he would live, hoping he would wake up out of pain the cancer gone and my son would be back and a few days go home.  Even though there was still the beauty outdide that window. The machines, the blood being pumped into my wonderful sons body brought back both realities. Yes somewhere during this time Christmas Spirit was alive yet I had not realized those days had passed and the reality was my hope that my son would live. There in the ICU room was also reality just not the reality of our hopes our prays our dreams. It was had to find light in that room yet there was still hope and a mom with a broken heart yet not knowing the brokenness I felt that night would in a few superceed any broken heart I had ever felt.