Still so many thoughts...

My mind has always been a clusterfuck of emotions and pessimistic ideas and 'visions' (if that's what you want to call them). Because I am so in-tune with bringing in the bad luck in a situation, I always expect the worse to happen because it always seems like a common occurrence.
The last time I wrote a journal...I was stressing about a lot of things. I was stressing about my life in Germany, about my relationship, about my job and how it would affect my relationship, about marriage and etc. Todays journal will really be no different.I am 2 days away from starting my job. Tomorrow I go to get my train pass and to pick up my visa...then I will clean the house and Skype Taz. Tuesday is my orientation day at work, and then Wednesday is when I will be working full-time at Amazon.
I find that...the closer it gets to my start-date, the more I feel like curling up in a ball and crying. I hated my job in the States...I hated warehouse work, and I know that it will be no different here. Back in the States I worked with friends...people I knew, I spoke their language, I did not feel so left out. But here in Germany...I have no friends, I will not know anyone, and really, I don't feel like reaching out because I do not speak their language, and Germany---well, they keep telling me I need to learn their language but it's a lot harder than people think. These people study English for 8 years...I chose to take German and slept through it. they don't care if we learn another language in the USA, and it's proven that the older you are, the harder it is to learn a language. How can you expect me to pick up something so difficult in 4 months?
But...it's not the work I'm really worried about. I suffered through it in the States, and I know I will suffer through it here. The reason I am dreading work so much is because it takes away my time with Taz. I won't get the time I have had with her...not to go on adventures, not to go to other cities and spend the week relaxing. I won't get that anymore. Instead, I will be working...I'll be working while she comes over, sits in my flat, and waits for me to get home. I'll be working while she goes and sees new things with someone else that has the time to go on these crazy adventures with her...call it jealousy, but I just don't like that idea. i know she has the right to go out with friends and explore...but I always see people as a threat, like something that will steal Taz away from me again...and the thought just makes me want to sob into my pillow.
And Taz...she has been so comforting to me these last 2 weeks. She has been assuring me that all is well, that we will work things out, and she will see me as much as she can. I even said that I would take a couple days off of work every couple of months or so, so that we can have a full weekend together and go see things...so hopefully, things will work out. I guess...I guess I'm just worried that she will get lonely without me always being there, that she will get depressed and then decide she needs to be with someone else. That's why I'm rooting for DOMA to be repealed because maybe then Taz and I can really start getting serious about marriage and our future, and we can finally live together and have the same rights as any other couple.
Marriage and children have been coming up a lot lately...and it's not me that's been bringing it up. Taz keeps mentioning what might happen if DOMA is repealed, she has even been discussing our 'wedding' (hypothetically) with her sister and brother over Skype. EVEN my Mother!!! Same with children...Taz asked her younger brother if he had made up his mind about being our Sperm Donor (okay...before you ask questions...he would be donating his sperm to ME because, since he is Taz's only full-blooded brother, if I had a baby with his sperm, the kid would be genetically half mine and half-Taz's. Also, the brother looks just like Taz, so it would look as if Taz and I made the baby together)--- he was still undecided and then the two started discussing kids.Taz is almost 26...and at this point in her life, she wants to settle down and have kids like all her friends and family. Meanwhile, she wants to have kids right away...but is still scared of marriage.
Me...I' the opposite. I want at least one child (and no more than 2) BUT...I want to be married first and be married for a couple of years before I even consider kids. I mean, coming from a broken household, I just want the best for any kids I may have in the future. I know the pains of divorce, I know how complicated it is to get shoved around to your 'other' parent every other weekend, and not really have much of a relationship with them because time together is so limited. So naturally, if I have a baby...I want that baby to have its 2 mother's be together, happy, and committed throughout that child's life. While Taz agrees that this is the best thing for the child too...still, she is convinced that  we could have a kid first and dedicate later. But, I have put my foot down on this one and refuse to do it any other way than my way.
Still...talking about marriage and kids makes me wonder about my future and where it is going. I mean, kids and marriage have sprung up with Taz before...after being together for merely a week, she said she wanted to marry me. Then, marriage came up again when we moved into our first apartment. It came up again when she went military and she said that if we made until her AIT graduation then we could get hitched...but even though we made it, I was never given a ring and she never got down on one knee. Now it's popping up again because DOMA might be repealed and we're both getting older and seem to be stuck like glue...so what will happen? Could it really be real this time? Could she possibly and seriously want to marry me? Could I be engaged by July? so naturally...right now, in my mind it's just madness. I mean, lately Taz has been so sweet and kind, and so loving towards me. Yes, we have fought a few times, but she has been quick to calm and then apologize for our small tiffs. It's nothing like how bad it was back in the States. Still...you can imagine the pressure I am under right now.
 
Because I am under such pressure, I have begun making huge changes in my life. One of those is religion. I'm not really religious...I claim to be an alternative religion because I am what is known as a "Shadow Jedi"---you might be thinking Star Wars when I say that, but believe me, it's nothing like what you might expect. Anyways, as a person who is a shadow Jedi, that means I study the good and bad aspects of The Force (which is our higher being and an energy that flows through all things living and non). So...what that means is a study the Light-side of The Force (Jedi-Realism) and the Dark-side of The Force (Sithism). In Jedi-Realism I am still an Apprentice and Padawan...I am just starting on my journey towards enlightenment and still have not grasped all the right concepts of what the Jedi aim for. But, in Sithism...I was powerful. I advanced through their ranks swiftly, from Minion, to Acolyte, then skipped the Apprentice stage and went straight to Master, and onwards to Lord (which is one step below 'Darth' which is the highest rank). I was teaching others in worldly religions, teachings others in the Dark-Side of The Force...but all of that placed a heavy weight on my shoulders.
The site was becoming so negative, so dark...darker than it was supposed to be...a place of hate and anger. I was given more and more responsibilities, and finally, when they started demanding monthly fees from those of us teaching on the site, that's when I decided I needed to quit. A Master there (one that I really admired) said that he did not like the idea that they were making us pay to come to work...it was counter-productive and made no sense. Also, Taz never liked my cooperation with the Sith and my dabbling in Sithism. She said it was stupid, and so, because of all these things...I finally said my farewell to Sith Academy. I learned all that I could from them...but I will never give money to something that is going nowhere. They helped me open my eyes to many things, they have taught me things good and bad, but alas, my priorities right now are on taking care of myself, making myself happy, and it's about Taz and I---and our future together as a couple.
So while I struggle with work and my relationship, I am also slowly tackling my battles with religion as well. I'm taking it slowly, and I'm just hoping I have not bit off more than I can choose, Please wish me luck everyone.