Still questtioning life

Here i sit YET AGAIN questioning why in the hell god or whoever/whatever hates me out there must continue to throw garbage upon my life as if im the fucking dumpster.....Im begenning to hate life and myself once again, Cant stop listening to sad music and cant stop feeling the massive urge to just cry all day long. I dont think that my wife has an interest in me anymore and that is tearing my very soul aprt in ways that you couldnt even imagine. I believe/believed that she is/was my soul mate and yet she still continues to beat on me mentally weather she realizes it or not. Day by day im starting to believe more and more that i should just pick up and move on....to where i have NO IDEA, I still believe that she loves another and cannot shake the feeling of believeing this. But a great man once said " What it is is what it is " And that is what i feel i have to treat this situation like weather it literally kills me or not. I cannot bring myself to question her about all of this or even share my feelings with her on this because if i hear yes that she has been with someone it WILL literally kill me, I will most likely have a heart attack and allow myself to die from it. Ive heard that love is the meaning of life...well if i dont have love i have no life, So someone might as well just take me out back and old yeller my ass. I love Nikki in a way that cant even be described in words. I love her unconditionally as i have proven in the past many times before. Now as i sit here starving and feel no need to eat im watching a tribute to a great wrestler that died a few months back and it usually makes me ball my eyes out but now it has no effect on me which tells me that my depression is scaling to an all time high because of my situation at home and the situation is blocking out my feelings for anything else in life. WHAT THE FUCK GOD!!!!!! I GET THE FUCKING POINT!!!!!! YOU HATE ME AND EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!JUST LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!