Still processing
I made it to work this morning. While I'm working I think about alot of things. Im looking over the last 2 years of my involvement with Joe RV. There were things in the past he did that were red flags-but who am I to judge? All I know is I have to preserve my energy and resources. I could see me getting my heart broken eventually. In the arguemnt this morning he was about to say something mean to me about my daughter and stopped himself. It made me tear up and angry that he would go there.
It broke my heart to see him drink. I was starting to see my future ahead of me and the life I might have with him. I had mentioned the other day that I didn't like when he drank and he said "It doesn't matter, I'm gonna do it anyway". It's really true-you only see the surface when you know someone but, when you live with them you see the truth. I'm no perfect saint. He didn't like the fact that I went to bed early or that I didn't join in completely in the party or that I worried all the time. I was suppose to hold him accountable and he was suppose to loosen me up.
Since he got fired from his job the day before proposing, he hasn't made any money. Ive been working a full time job and a part time job and can't wrap my head around not going to work every day or atleast feeling I need to pay my share.
This whole trainwreck has made me realize that I'm broken and unfixable and I shouldn't be in another love relationship for quite awhile if ever. For now, Ill just focus on me, Sammycat and flowerbabies and see what if anything the universe has in store for me without expectation.
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That pretty much says it all. I have been divorced for 5 years and I still feel, I'm not ready for a relationship. I mean I don't expect anyone else to wait that long but I needed time to heal from my previous 24 year marriage.
Looking at the bigger picture has made me ask what is the purpose of all this....what am I suppose to learn? It finally came to me one day when I was meditating and I really believe that's what life eventually comes to and why we end up suffering so much. Is because I wanted so much to blame others for my unhappiness and I want so much to judge others when all it really boils down to is just accepting others where they are on their own life's journey, but that doesn't mean I have to be their doormat, however, I am free to walk away, with love of myself and the other person, even though I choose not to be with them anymore. It is love of myself that refuses to give another person power over me through through there abuse of me through the abuse of aLcohol...
Looking for a better match for myself is something I will leave for the universe, if and when that is in my future. . But for now, I will just take care of this moment, because that's all I have control over.
God Bless
As always, every case is unique, but my first step away from co-dependent psychosis was to see myself as a separate entity from the people I was using to define my life, be those relationships family, professional, romantic, party buddies or fuckable friends. My own co-dependency issues are strong enough to surface on pretty much any ship in the human relations spectrum. I can lose myself in whatever relationships are available. Must relate to validate my existence. . .
Or am I lost in metaphor again? ? ?
Continued support while you sort your own, Sage.
Thanks,,,for now Ill just have catversation with Sammycat.
Good plan. Go you. Listen carefully.