Still Invisible

It feels like I'm destined to go through the rest of life, for the most part, alone. I'm the type of person it's easy to put off. Or to think there will be time to get together later. Yeah, that indefinite "later" that never solidifies into spending actual time together. I love what I do for work and am blessed to be back doing what I'm so passionate about (or at least one aspect of it),....but I'm alone most of the time. I don't see that changing anytime soon either. I really enjoy my hobbies- I thrive in them. Gardening, plants- these are my life. Hiking is the main stress and anxiety reliever and also spiritual connection......and neither gets me around many people. it's a shame, really. This is such a beautiful area, all of the fascinations tucked into not-too-easily-seen nooks and crannies. people bitch about the weather instead and like to drink way too much....so are you seeing the disconnect? It's too often, except those rare first-warm-spring-days comes and those people who never go outside splash their perfume and cigarette infested bodies into hapless poses that belie their unfamiliarity to their surroundings. I've seen more looks of stark horror for walking with confidence into a muddy stream without watching my footing because the boots will get me through it great 'cause that's how I float.  So I go through errands, every-day stuff with the stark, rough knowledge that not one of these people who interacts with me during these times gives a fuck about me. They don't care. There is so little genuine in-person care anymore. Sure, it's easy to send an email, a text, a sentiment. But when it comes down to face-to-face honest to goodness interaction, I'm so sorely lacking that the painful ache of the need has long since turned into the dull ache of habit. I have one very close friend....and we've never met. We have a 3-hour time zone difference and she's in Canada (me the US). 
I know so much of this stems from my dad's extended illnesses. I'm still puzzling over the fact that nearly 8 1/2 years had passed that I had lost touch with the vast majority of "friends". What I realize now is that they served their purpose and it ended when they didn't reach out in any way to find out if I was ok. I know that sounds selfish, yet it's one of the deepest ways that I feel invisible. Those people always expected me to call, drive over, make the plans, etc. So when I stopped....well, all communication ended. I tried to re-aquaint myself with some of these people recently, and realized quickly it was a lesson in futility because they still expect everything to be as it was before. I just can't play that role of "initiator" anymore. Not if it's never reciprocated.
So the other aspect that settles in is that it's been that long since I've had a meaningful, long term relationship. I miss parts of it. I'm meant to nurture. I have 2 cats. That's not doing it for me. I'm meant to care for and help grow. It's like a part of my spirit just keeps shriveling away with disuse from not being able to give that part of me. Oh, sure, there are enough of a number of fwbnsam4w4m beee esss that I could keep myself entertained, but I'm so past the shallow and unaware and look-at-me drivel. So much of what's still supposed to be taboo or fetish garners none of my interest and is met with "meh". Been there, done that. Now can I please just have the normal? Please, just a little normal without this lethal dose of loneliness?!