still hurting

it is has been a year since i lost my husband.  to be honest, it is getting harder each day.  I live in the past and would like to have do overs for all of the mistakes that I made.  I blame myself for so many things even though logically i know i took really good care of Tom. But i couldn't save him this time.  I was so selfish that i would have taken him even as his brain was deminishing; as long as he was in no pain i couldn't let him go.  I life my life now in short term goals.  Right now my goal is to make it to Thanksgiving so that I can go visit my daughter and then i see how I am doing and see where my next goal date should be.  I really do not want to be here, i don't feel that i have future and i don't even want one.  Tom and I were a part of each other lives for so long that it is very hard to think of a life without him.  I have no ambition and really do not care to do anything.  I have alot of good family and friend support but at the end of the day they go home to loved ones, I can't.  Gosh this is so hard!