Still Here just took a break.

Well here I am.  I haven't added a journal entry since December because I have been busy trying to piece things together and adjust to some major changes in my life.  It has been a rough year to say the least.  In December soon after I last journaled I found out that I was pregnant.  I can chalk that up to not caring about much including my birth control.  I soon found myself on an emotional rollercoaster again as if I wasn't on one already.  I wasn't sure how I felt about this and knew that I was not ready for this.  I mean I was still doubting my abilities as a mother not even being able to save my Oldest daughter Amanda.  Emotionally, Physically, Financially,  and Mentally I knew in the bottom of my heart that this pregnancy was a mistake.  That is all it was just a big huge unintended mistake that came about because of my carelessness and lack of birth control.  If I wasn't depressed before this nearly sent me over the edge.  Once again I screwed things up.  Then my precious 6 year old came to me grasped my hand and led me towards the light.  She said " Mommy its going to be okay.....Amanda had to go to heaven to pick this baby out for us.  That is why this is going to be the best baby in the world because my sister picked her out because she does not want us to be sad anymore.  She is sending this baby to us to make us all happy again."  I swear that Amanda speaks through my six year old and she is able to talk to angels.  She always knows the right thing to say.  From that point on I knew exactly how I felt about this pregnancy/baby.  I went to the doctors after that and the doctor asked me if this was a planned pregnancy and with joy in my heart for the first time in a long time I said yes.  It wasn't planned by me but I know someone "upstairs" planned this.  This was definately not an accident.  In March I moved home to Hawaii.  This is where Amanda grew up and a place that Amanda loved so much.  She always talked about the good times we had back home in Hawaii and the spiritual connection that she had to this land.  So I knew I needed to go home.  I wasn't home for long before I was being approached by people I didn't even know who were touched by Amanda or who knew her in one way or another coming to offer their condolences.  I knew I was home.  I have so much support from friends from long ago.  This is where I feel closest to Amanda.  We have chosen a name for this baby that honors My Amanda it is going to be AbbyGail Faith Kamakanimakamaemaikalani Rosa.  AbbyGail is a name Amanda always liked. Faith because Amanda was always strong in her faith for God.  and Kamakanamakamaemaikalani means Precious gift sent from heaven.  On May 22, 2013 I had an ultrasound and was able to get pictures of the baby and something amazing happened.  The baby was posing with both hands propped under her chin.  When I saw that I teared up and realized that that was exactly how Amanda used to always pose when she was little for all her pictures.  I looked at my husband and he had tears in his eyes and I knew that he was thinking the same thing.  I also just started a new job as an Office Manager for my old boss from 10 years ago.   He found out that I was home and called me and my husband up.  He said that he was going to sell the business and retire but since we were home if we wanted to take over operations the would reconsider selling.  I have been working for him for 2 weeks and the has already offered to make room in the office for the baby if I wanted to bring the baby to work after I give birth.  Things are finally falling back into place.  Things are not always great and I still cry alot, my heart still aches and I still long for another moment in time with my Amanda but now I realize that rather than waiting for a phone call from her I can talk to her anytime and I can smile at the memories that I have and just in knowing what Amanda would have done in different situations.