Still grateful
I know many of us have had a rough time recently. I don't think I ever cried as much as I did last Saturday. Justin dying was so sad on top of all the other sad.
So......... what to be grateful for.
Well, since the grief smoked me out of my hole, and made me throw myself face down on the ground, crawl over to the laptop to write to you all, and later fall on Drew with explicit requests for comfort (tired of waiting for him to notice the look in my eyes) I will give thanks for the solace that people do try to extend to each other. Thank YOU for having offered your arms, your hearts... I'm sorry so many of us were in this terrible place but grateful that we could find each other. (Thank you Barbara for knowing how much the world needed an FMO type place.)
There IS a lot of compassion in my world. Even though nobody feels the depth of the loss like a mom, people do care. Just today I went home at lunch to meet a contractor and he told me he thinks of me every time he steps foot in the church building on Monday nights for his meditation group. He said he can't imagine how crazy it must feel to go on with life. I said you are right, it does make me feel crazy, and thank you for saying this, Matt, because there's nothing worse or crazier than people who say nothing and ask me (with their silence) to act as if nothing happened.
In fact, I'm thinking now (later): thank you Matt for helping me see me how far I have come... that I (oh god I'm sorry) USED to be the kind of person who didn't know what to say to a mother or father in grief, and so I would say nothing. To all of those mothers and fathers, I wish I could apologize. All I can do is say from now on, I won't say nothing. I understand more. I am so sorry for where I was, and grateful that from my own grief at least I can learn to be a better kinder braver person in this 'vale of tears'...
xoxox
========== adding this which a friend just sent me... ============
Going to try to give a picture of what happens from an anthroposophical* perspective. I think I explained another time that in anthroposophical medicine, the human being consists of 4 bodies working together. (*work of Rudolf Steiner, Waldorf Schools' founder)
Physical body => at the mineral level - bone, water, pure matter
Etheric body => life forces - everything that allows you to do what a plant can do that stone cannot - breathe, grow, digest - change in relation to outward substances. Each organ has an etheric equivalent.
Astral body => feeling body - that which an animal experiences that the plant world cannot - desire, pain, hunger, excitement, etc.
Ego => that which allows a human being to say 'I am' - what distinguishes us from the animal world, and includes thinking, and control of will, action beyond instinct. When you are connected deeply to another person, there is another being that arises -the being of the relationship between you. This being connects your etheric substance deeply the more fully you share in each other. Of course, a child springs forth from the etheric substance of the mother and lives wholly within it for the first 6-7 years. When you must deliver your grown child through an intense illness into death, it seems to me that this etheric life force connection is deepened again.
In a marriage or partner relationship there is a kind of whole-ness of that relationship body. And when one if the pair dies, it actually is like ripping out a large part of the life forces of the remaining person. There is a reason that in the Jewish tradition a stone is not set until a full year after death - it offers an opportunity for everyone to come together and remember the deceased, but also begins another kind of healing.
So......... what to be grateful for.
Well, since the grief smoked me out of my hole, and made me throw myself face down on the ground, crawl over to the laptop to write to you all, and later fall on Drew with explicit requests for comfort (tired of waiting for him to notice the look in my eyes) I will give thanks for the solace that people do try to extend to each other. Thank YOU for having offered your arms, your hearts... I'm sorry so many of us were in this terrible place but grateful that we could find each other. (Thank you Barbara for knowing how much the world needed an FMO type place.)
There IS a lot of compassion in my world. Even though nobody feels the depth of the loss like a mom, people do care. Just today I went home at lunch to meet a contractor and he told me he thinks of me every time he steps foot in the church building on Monday nights for his meditation group. He said he can't imagine how crazy it must feel to go on with life. I said you are right, it does make me feel crazy, and thank you for saying this, Matt, because there's nothing worse or crazier than people who say nothing and ask me (with their silence) to act as if nothing happened.
In fact, I'm thinking now (later): thank you Matt for helping me see me how far I have come... that I (oh god I'm sorry) USED to be the kind of person who didn't know what to say to a mother or father in grief, and so I would say nothing. To all of those mothers and fathers, I wish I could apologize. All I can do is say from now on, I won't say nothing. I understand more. I am so sorry for where I was, and grateful that from my own grief at least I can learn to be a better kinder braver person in this 'vale of tears'...
xoxox
========== adding this which a friend just sent me... ============
Going to try to give a picture of what happens from an anthroposophical* perspective. I think I explained another time that in anthroposophical medicine, the human being consists of 4 bodies working together. (*work of Rudolf Steiner, Waldorf Schools' founder)
Physical body => at the mineral level - bone, water, pure matter
Etheric body => life forces - everything that allows you to do what a plant can do that stone cannot - breathe, grow, digest - change in relation to outward substances. Each organ has an etheric equivalent.
Astral body => feeling body - that which an animal experiences that the plant world cannot - desire, pain, hunger, excitement, etc.
Ego => that which allows a human being to say 'I am' - what distinguishes us from the animal world, and includes thinking, and control of will, action beyond instinct. When you are connected deeply to another person, there is another being that arises -the being of the relationship between you. This being connects your etheric substance deeply the more fully you share in each other. Of course, a child springs forth from the etheric substance of the mother and lives wholly within it for the first 6-7 years. When you must deliver your grown child through an intense illness into death, it seems to me that this etheric life force connection is deepened again.
In a marriage or partner relationship there is a kind of whole-ness of that relationship body. And when one if the pair dies, it actually is like ripping out a large part of the life forces of the remaining person. There is a reason that in the Jewish tradition a stone is not set until a full year after death - it offers an opportunity for everyone to come together and remember the deceased, but also begins another kind of healing.
Replies
Hi Sarah, I am so happy Matt wasn\'t afraid to acknowledge your pain and his thoughts. God bless him! Thank you too for being there for me through all the storms. Love to you & Andy, Linda
Dearest Sarah,
I am so glad you were smoked out of your hole (though for a different reason would have been nice) and crawled to your computer to write to us. Each time I read one of your journals I am enlightened a little more to truth. We DO have much to be grateful for and it IS important to recognize it. And yes, sadly, I too used to be so uncomfortable and/or ignorant I would either say nothing at all or the most horrifically stupid things to someone in grief. I can\'t return to them now to apologize, but I can move forward with new understanding and compassion. This is how life works....learn, grow, move forward in love.
One IS so grateful when there is an understanding heart in our path! Sometimes a stranger, sometimes a mechanic (as in my case once), you just never know! And you are ever so grateful. I had a sweet Colombian cab driver today who is \'at my service\' . Very very sweet guy. Understood how I must feel even though he has not lost a child. Somehow your heart is FILLED with gratitude!
I am glad you encountered a compassionate heart today, Sarah, and that Drew now knows the pain you carry.
xoxox
Soos
Dear Sarah:
It is hard at times to see anything positive. I try not to get too upset with people who say insensitive things, or nothing. Most of them have no idea what to say.
I wish you peace.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
What has been difficult in my life is living in the ambivalence....before all the illness and loss, I could pretty much resolve the ambivalence, but now I find both things are true...I can be grateful for many things and people and their amazing kindnesses but I can also feel grief stricken and so sorrowful....pretty much simultaneously although the sad is usually more deeply felt and longer.....
I think that I too have tried to respond more compassionately to other...that\'s a good thing....learning, growth...
I went to the site of course and read about your friend\'s child, as I have with all my DS friends....and yes, it is so so sad, no words really...just a prayer....
love to you....and peace....
Thank goodness for the \"Matt\'s\" in this world who are not afraid to approach and BE with us even if just for a moment. Our hearts have been opened and in that comes the deep awareness and our responsibility to not abandon those in grief, including ourselves. We are learning aren\'t we, Sarah? There just has to be something that comes from this deep abyss that is life affirming. To ask Drew for what you need is so validating and empowering. What a week it has been in the cosmos... Loving care to each of us and thank you always for your insights, vulnerability and the offering of hope in the midst. So much love, Joanie
Yes, asking for what you need, is the great secret of good relationships. I\'ve only just begun explaining to my husband why i need what I do, and he is so receptive to this kind of asking. It\'s only taken me 45 years to understand this. Let\'s be kind to ourselves, during this holy week, and to one another. This truly is a \"vale of tears\". Thank G-d for good people who console us when it\'s least expected. love ya, abby
I am so glad that you dragged yourself to the computer...once again what you say resonates with me...and so beautifully spoken. I hope that you find a bit of peace today...love and hugs...Karen
I\'m so sorry Justin is gone and how it must bring you right back to when your son died. I am glad you are on this site. You have been such a wonderful comfort for me with all your posts on my journals and my posts. My brain is very foggy today from medication and I\'m having trouble understanding the entire journal entry, but I\'m going to make a point of visiting again after I\'m over the brain fog to read about the eitheric body, it sounds so interesting and right.