Still full of fear

For the longest time, I could talk about my abuse, but I could not feel the emotions surrounding my abuse. Whenever anyone talked about God, I'd become full of fear and dread! What God would want anything to do with me. Theere was no one I could go to. I had no protectors. I was , essentially "on my own"! What scares me is that finally, I am "feeling" the feelings surrounding my abuse. How could my own sister sexually abuse me? How could my own father and step-mother beat me with extension cords and ropes, until I bled;(I had so many scars and welts on my body, I never wore short-sleeved shirts or shorts); send me to bed without supper; how could my own father beat me so badly, I don't even remember the beating. Bullies, gangs, racist thugs, child molesters. I've been shot at, had knives up to my throat, choked, beaten, spit upon; you names it, it's been done to me! Fear has always prevented me from protecting myself!
Lately, all I do is cry! It's as if I am going to break down and cry at the drop of a hat. i keep asking, why would God help me now, if he wouldn't help me then? i am actually afraid of God. I fear that because I have had sexual relations with many men, as well as women! The first, was a school mate, but I never considered him molesting me. I truly told myself he loved me and I was his "girlfriend"  I actually convinced myself that if only I had been born a girl, my life would have been so different and K would have been mine!  To be brutally honest, I always felt that the only reason I was molested, in the first place, was because i WAS WEAK!  I suffer many sexual side effects from being molested by a female! The thought of sex with a female fills me with debilitating fear, so I can't perform at all. I envy, am jealous of, worship and revere women! Thay are Goddesses and I am a lowly piss-ant! At least, that's the way I feel. Like I said, I am just beginning this journey, at 52! I realize, I only had sex with the men I had sex with because, it gave me a sense of power and control, I never experienced with a WOMAN! I pray vigorously that God will help me. I have no where else to turn to for help! I am so very grateful for the people here at DailyStrength! They literally have saved my life. All I know is that if you are hurting and you need a supportive hand, this is the place to be. Love and peace to you all!

Replies

blackdog999
blackdog999

hey Buflo...totally get your post...I could talk about my abuse for so long and never felt the feelings..me too...i would talk and talk and desribe and explain and i never once felt the feelings or acknowledged what i had been through...ever...then slowly slowly i let go and i thought i would go mad with the pain of it...still do sometimes....but i\'m still ere mate and so are you

thank you for a very honest and thoughtful journal entry

God will help you I know he will, he helped me loads of times and I have never once deserved it. I dont know why God would help me either but he has

Crying and feeling are good it means your healing - hang in there.

Also I am no expert on God but I genuinely believe God loves us all just as we are, it doesn\'t matter if you are male or female or if indeed you are neither....none of this matters to God who\'s love is massive and it fills the whole world and it just LOVES and that is it. There are no shades and no comparisons. Good, better, best these are human words- we made this stuff up. God just loves.
blackdog999
blackdog999

p.s
Abusers abuse because \'they\' are weak - it is not you who are weak
annabell88
annabell88

You are a strong person. You are not weak. Forgive yourself. Love yourself. You have already the courage to discover your true self. I have only just started my journey to take care of myself. It is not easy but the support I have received has given me strength to continue my journey of healing myself. I hope we can get through the trials that come our way. Take care.