Still confused about relationships!
I've ben divorced for 3 years. I've had 2 short relationships, one which became real abusive. The second was real dysfunctional with a woman who was real dominating. With my varied experiences, I feel lost, like a lost little boy, looking for his mom, who never shows up to rescue him and he is now on his own! having been sexually abused by both males and females, I don't know which way to go! I feel compelled to date women, although, at times, I've met men who I was also attracted to. But, I really don't know how to be in a loving, honest relationship. All I know is dysfunctional relationships where, sooner or later, I am either the victim or I run away as fast as I can. I still view, emotionally, sex as adrug which will cure all of my pain. Basically, if I can have sex with you and you enjoy it, then you will love me; but without sex, you will always find something about me that makes you hate and want to hurt me! I have internalized all those"witch" messages I heard as a child- I'm no good and nobody decent will ever love me! I've been in counseling for a few years, this time, and I am making progress. It just seems to be taking so long. I want to be better now. I don't want to have to wait. I feel so powerless, at times, that I can offer no defense against getting into dysfunctional, abusive relationships. I am so lonely, that i am often willing to get involved with just about anyone! When I go to counseling groups or 12 Step groups(i am a recovering alcoholic/addict/self-abuser) i am ok. But as soon as I get home, I feel like loneliness is going to kill me. I try to stay positive, for I have lots to live for but still... I'm back to eating once a day, I go days without sleeping, I skip my meds, saying, "Ooops, I forgot!", although I know I just don't take them, until the hallucinations return and I can't turn off the conversations going on in my head, so I just stay awake, often days at a time until I crash. I still seem to sabotage things when things are going good! Then, all I can think of is ways to punish myself. i get afraid that one day, I might just put something other than insulin in my diabetes needles! My birth mom died when I was 7, I was taken from her when I was 4; I miss her more now than ever. I haven't found a way to get over her death. I don't even remember anything about her- not how she looks, how her voice sounds, her smell, nothing. I still feel guilty for not remembering her, although I know I was young when I was taken away! I'm working really hard, but it just seems to be too big a mountain to climb. All I seem to do is hide under my covers, cry silent tears and try to e strong for my kids. But I know it is all an act. I am not that strong!