Still Confused!
Hello Journal! Ok I know I have not been here in quite a time, but I have been making headway down my path even if It has been by taking very little steps. And I times I felt I have been walking in circles and not really getting to far, but progress is being made (KIND – OF)!.
Last weekend was very difficult for me. It was the one year anniversary of my “Talk” with the then Wife. It was then that I had begged her to seek counseling with me. She had said NO, and that was when we both know where our 24 years together was headed. I must confess that this past year has been the hardest of my life. BUT even with my current emotions and frustrations I KNOW THAT I AM BETTER TODAY THAN I WAS last Year!. The divorce drove my Ex into finally seeking counseling, getting on a few med’s to balance her mood swings, and brought her to make a few long overdue admissions to herself as well as me. One of which she apologized for causing me so much pain, that and some other helped me a lot. It did not take the scaring of my heart away, but helped me understand. We have been able to stay friendly with a knowledge that we will always love each other for being the parent of our children and grand-girls, we will always be friends and know if something is really needed we each will help and be there for each other, BUT that is where it stops.
I am digging myself out of the deep hole of finance debt consolidation. WHERE IN THE H#!! did 24 years of my working 60 to 70 hours a week and the money go? That I don’t know or understand! But month by month things are better. Christmas may set me back some coupled with property taxs coming due, but it will work out.
There are so many things I need to be doing! But I have found myself just to tired or not motivated to do!. Things I used to do around the house outside are going by the way-side. But the house inside is cleaner on a regular basis that it ever has been! I used to see doing all the littler keep-up chores outside as for “US”. Now for me it is just a chore. (And if I will admit it; It was something I could do to be around, but not in the way!)
The BIG thing with me that has caused a bit of a setback is my loneliness . I have been on a few dates with some very nice women. And although I enjoy their company there is no “spark” within my heart. (I Know, I Know I have not given things enough time). But I have spent much time alone (my daughter scolded me for spending so much off-work time alone)and Enjoying the company of someone and enjoying their presence is good, but not the same as feeling those things as well as feeling it in your heart!
A very good friend is always asking “How Ya Doing?” . She asked me last week the same question and then she said “You always say OK or Good, and I know you are! But when is the last time you felt HAPPY?” I had to answer: I Don’t Know! I realized that there had been many happy little moments in this past year, but I could not say when the last time I truly felt happy. The Happy of feeling like sunshine flowed through you inside and out. I used to feel that way often, but that was when the girls were younger. I had a spark in my heart and even on a bad day at home I also had HOPE of the future.
I have Hope for the future now, but there is something missing. That spark part! I have been listening to many relationship gurus and doctors and have pondered (and am pondering) the Meaning of , life, love, relationships and so-forth. I am thinking that two people can be companions, partners, life-partners depending on the degree of mutual meeting of their Physical Being, Emotional Being, and Spiritual Being. But it takes that indescribable “SPARK” with the other three to make a soul-mate. My “insides” want to find a person that I can have All-Four with, but my head is telling me that I may be asking too much. I am not rushing. One of the Lady friends I have gone to supper with said that I still have at least 18 to 24 months of recovery to go through. So I will be giving it more time, and hoping that some of the scaring of my heart thins so that some sunshine can find it’s way back in!
I have also set up another set of appointments with my consular/therapist hoping I can get thing placed into perspective and get myself headed back down a good path.
I hope ALL my friends here at DS will throw in their two-cents. I have learned that contemplating what is passed to me from you is good for my head and soul!
Thanks for listening.
Last weekend was very difficult for me. It was the one year anniversary of my “Talk” with the then Wife. It was then that I had begged her to seek counseling with me. She had said NO, and that was when we both know where our 24 years together was headed. I must confess that this past year has been the hardest of my life. BUT even with my current emotions and frustrations I KNOW THAT I AM BETTER TODAY THAN I WAS last Year!. The divorce drove my Ex into finally seeking counseling, getting on a few med’s to balance her mood swings, and brought her to make a few long overdue admissions to herself as well as me. One of which she apologized for causing me so much pain, that and some other helped me a lot. It did not take the scaring of my heart away, but helped me understand. We have been able to stay friendly with a knowledge that we will always love each other for being the parent of our children and grand-girls, we will always be friends and know if something is really needed we each will help and be there for each other, BUT that is where it stops.
I am digging myself out of the deep hole of finance debt consolidation. WHERE IN THE H#!! did 24 years of my working 60 to 70 hours a week and the money go? That I don’t know or understand! But month by month things are better. Christmas may set me back some coupled with property taxs coming due, but it will work out.
There are so many things I need to be doing! But I have found myself just to tired or not motivated to do!. Things I used to do around the house outside are going by the way-side. But the house inside is cleaner on a regular basis that it ever has been! I used to see doing all the littler keep-up chores outside as for “US”. Now for me it is just a chore. (And if I will admit it; It was something I could do to be around, but not in the way!)
The BIG thing with me that has caused a bit of a setback is my loneliness . I have been on a few dates with some very nice women. And although I enjoy their company there is no “spark” within my heart. (I Know, I Know I have not given things enough time). But I have spent much time alone (my daughter scolded me for spending so much off-work time alone)and Enjoying the company of someone and enjoying their presence is good, but not the same as feeling those things as well as feeling it in your heart!
A very good friend is always asking “How Ya Doing?” . She asked me last week the same question and then she said “You always say OK or Good, and I know you are! But when is the last time you felt HAPPY?” I had to answer: I Don’t Know! I realized that there had been many happy little moments in this past year, but I could not say when the last time I truly felt happy. The Happy of feeling like sunshine flowed through you inside and out. I used to feel that way often, but that was when the girls were younger. I had a spark in my heart and even on a bad day at home I also had HOPE of the future.
I have Hope for the future now, but there is something missing. That spark part! I have been listening to many relationship gurus and doctors and have pondered (and am pondering) the Meaning of , life, love, relationships and so-forth. I am thinking that two people can be companions, partners, life-partners depending on the degree of mutual meeting of their Physical Being, Emotional Being, and Spiritual Being. But it takes that indescribable “SPARK” with the other three to make a soul-mate. My “insides” want to find a person that I can have All-Four with, but my head is telling me that I may be asking too much. I am not rushing. One of the Lady friends I have gone to supper with said that I still have at least 18 to 24 months of recovery to go through. So I will be giving it more time, and hoping that some of the scaring of my heart thins so that some sunshine can find it’s way back in!
I have also set up another set of appointments with my consular/therapist hoping I can get thing placed into perspective and get myself headed back down a good path.
I hope ALL my friends here at DS will throw in their two-cents. I have learned that contemplating what is passed to me from you is good for my head and soul!
Thanks for listening.
Replies
Just being able to write out what you are feeling is a positive sign of forward progress, my friend. thanks so much for sharing with us.
As far as keeping up with everything, you and I are in the same boat. My priorities have changed over the last couple of years and that\'s one reason why I put this place up for sale. I am at a place in my life where I would rather spend my spare time doing SOMETHING OTHER THAN mowing, weeding, mulching, fixing fence and painting outbuildings! The things that USED to matter to me aren\'t so important anymore -- and never should have been, either! It\'s so wonderful not feeling like I have to justify my existence to someone who never appreciated what I did. Life is good. And it just gets better. Yours will, too. Hugs to you and prayers of encouragement coming your way. Keep in touch!
Thank You Cowgirl for your support. Going to the new counsler tomorrow!!