Still can't believe this is real
I can't quite seem to wrap my head around it. My heart feels so full, at peace, relieved, emotions so overwhelming I have to just zone out sometimes. Everything feels so right.
I want to be really careful of hurting anyone's feelings after this point so please feel free to stop reading my journal if you want - I won't be offended. I was in two mindsets about whether I should update everyone or not because I know when I read some people's journals it hurt a lot. Though it did give me hope that I would have my turn too. And here it is.
The test was positive! I'm so so so so effing happy.
My Suspicions
My periods were due 3 days before the beta test and every time I went to the bathroom and saw my panty liners were white I would be so relieved. I'd walk out and give my husband a high-five and shout "Panty liners are white!" Then I'd go to my Mum and high-five her and shout the same thing. They'd smile the biggest smile and we were all like "Yeah, best news ever!" It was the weirdest thing now that I look back on it. Pretty funny. We looked like crazy people.
My doc put me on a natural FET cycle and so if AF were to visit I knew she would come greet me like clockwork, she's never late. So when she was, I was feeling so so hopeful.
Also, I don't know how to explain it. I just felt different this time around. I definitely had more cramping than the fresh IVF cycle, but it was more emotionally different. This time I felt excellent. I just kept believing ignorantly that this time would work. I was so positive about it. I didn't care if it turned out I was wrong I just wanted to believe it. I just didn't want to entertain the thought of it being negative. During my last cycle I was a negative nancy through the whole thing.
Where I was and what was my reaction
I had the beta test not knowing how it would turn out. In the last cycle AF came to visit early so I knew the results would be negative and we were already grieving. This time around I didn't know at all what the results would be. Those last 3 hours of waiting for the phone call was the WORST part of the whole 2WW.
I decided to go produce shopping with my parents and my grandma to take my mind off the waiting. The phone did not leave my hands for the whole 3 hours.
When they finally called I was in the middle of the fruit market. She told me "It's good news, you're pregnant!" I cried and bawled my eyes out then and there IN PUBLIC! Almost collapsed from happiness. I looked like a downright crazy person. I kept asking her if she was sure? You know, maybe I was the wrong patient... She was sure.
Then my Mum came and found me, she was so worried it was bad news. (I mean I was crying my eyes out) I told her the positive news and then she starts bawling in the middle of the fruit market. She hugs me so tightly and I can't breathe and she's moaning and crying louder than I am. I look straight ahead amidst blurry eyes and see my little tiny old Grandma running towards us. She looks worried (she later told me she thought someone had died). I scream out "We're pregnant" and then she starts bawling! So there's all 3 of us, blocking the fruit market with tears. 3 generations of crying women. It was pretty funny when I look back.
We gather some composure and continue shopping. I can hardly contain myself. I just want to get back in the car and have a moment. My Mum and Grandma are picking all sorts of fruits for my pregnancy. Then Dad comes out of the blue and we tell him and he gets all teary (he never cries) then he hugs me, tells me how happy he is and turns and walks away lol. I find out he's gone into the car and cries - for happiness of course. My Dad's ex-military so it was truly an overwhelming moment to watch him breakdown with joy.
How I told my husband
DH was still at work and I wanted to tell him in person. I told him I hadn't received a phone call yet and even though I knew he was anxious for the results I just couldn't tell him over the phone.
So I bought a little shirt that said "Team Daddy" on it and a little baby rattle and placed it in a shoe box over some white tissue paper. When he came home I told him I bought some new shoes and to come see. (I have a shoe addiction). He must have thought it was bad news which is why I bought the shoes haha. He opened the box and literally broke down crying. I'd never seen him cry so much. Not even for our wedding! We hugged for too too long. It was so hot yesterday too like 35 degrees celcius. It was icky haha. But we hugged it out and this time cried for joy and not loss. It was such a relief to feel at peace.
What I did different with this cycle
So I did a couple of things differently this cycle vs. the previously failed one.
1. I quit my stressful job - that helped a ton!
2. I only exercised by walking every other day and 10 minutes of pregnancy pilates one day. I even did a 5km walk for a marathon the day before the test. (It was supposed to be a run but we walked it).
3. I was really positive this time around (this wasn't intentional, I mean I don't know I felt more positive so it was easier to maintain)
4. I rested a lot more than I did the first time and did full bed rest for 2 days after transfer. I tired myself out the previous cycle I think and when it failed I really blamed myself. So I decided this time I'll try to just rest and exercise to get my muscles working but not push myself.
5. I was really strict on my endo diet. On my previous cycle and I had a couple of meals and nibbles of things I knew I shouldn't eat. This time if it wasn't endo approved it wasn't going in my belly.
6. I prayed. A lot. I mean I prayed before but this time (I'm Roman Catholic) I prayed the rosary every night for the whole 2 weeks and I don't know I finally just decided to have faith he would answer my prayers this time around. If not this cycle, than sometime this year. I just felt really sure of it. I prayed.
I thought to myself that I would try to do, what I felt, was the opposite of what I did for the last cycle and if it still didn't work then I'd know that it wasn't my fault either way. I did this because well, I really feel like I hurt my chances the first time around. I still feel like that now. But right now definitely feel well just right.
What now
I feel like the battle is not over yet. Now, it's the chapter of trying to remain pregnant. I know the percentage of MC for endo and IVF patients are much higher than that of normal people so until I hit that first trimester mark I'm still very very anxious and super cautious. Well until this baby pops out healthy and happy I'm not going to feel safe. I'm scared that something will happen, but I have to maintain my positivity. I just have to :)
I'm already 4 weeks and 4 days. My first scan is on the 18th of March and I'm due on October 30!
I can't wait to tell you all about it (if you want to hear about it of course)
Here's to praying this good news stays good news for the entire 9 months!
I want to be really careful of hurting anyone's feelings after this point so please feel free to stop reading my journal if you want - I won't be offended. I was in two mindsets about whether I should update everyone or not because I know when I read some people's journals it hurt a lot. Though it did give me hope that I would have my turn too. And here it is.
The test was positive! I'm so so so so effing happy.
My Suspicions
My periods were due 3 days before the beta test and every time I went to the bathroom and saw my panty liners were white I would be so relieved. I'd walk out and give my husband a high-five and shout "Panty liners are white!" Then I'd go to my Mum and high-five her and shout the same thing. They'd smile the biggest smile and we were all like "Yeah, best news ever!" It was the weirdest thing now that I look back on it. Pretty funny. We looked like crazy people.
My doc put me on a natural FET cycle and so if AF were to visit I knew she would come greet me like clockwork, she's never late. So when she was, I was feeling so so hopeful.
Also, I don't know how to explain it. I just felt different this time around. I definitely had more cramping than the fresh IVF cycle, but it was more emotionally different. This time I felt excellent. I just kept believing ignorantly that this time would work. I was so positive about it. I didn't care if it turned out I was wrong I just wanted to believe it. I just didn't want to entertain the thought of it being negative. During my last cycle I was a negative nancy through the whole thing.
Where I was and what was my reaction
I had the beta test not knowing how it would turn out. In the last cycle AF came to visit early so I knew the results would be negative and we were already grieving. This time around I didn't know at all what the results would be. Those last 3 hours of waiting for the phone call was the WORST part of the whole 2WW.
I decided to go produce shopping with my parents and my grandma to take my mind off the waiting. The phone did not leave my hands for the whole 3 hours.
When they finally called I was in the middle of the fruit market. She told me "It's good news, you're pregnant!" I cried and bawled my eyes out then and there IN PUBLIC! Almost collapsed from happiness. I looked like a downright crazy person. I kept asking her if she was sure? You know, maybe I was the wrong patient... She was sure.
Then my Mum came and found me, she was so worried it was bad news. (I mean I was crying my eyes out) I told her the positive news and then she starts bawling in the middle of the fruit market. She hugs me so tightly and I can't breathe and she's moaning and crying louder than I am. I look straight ahead amidst blurry eyes and see my little tiny old Grandma running towards us. She looks worried (she later told me she thought someone had died). I scream out "We're pregnant" and then she starts bawling! So there's all 3 of us, blocking the fruit market with tears. 3 generations of crying women. It was pretty funny when I look back.
We gather some composure and continue shopping. I can hardly contain myself. I just want to get back in the car and have a moment. My Mum and Grandma are picking all sorts of fruits for my pregnancy. Then Dad comes out of the blue and we tell him and he gets all teary (he never cries) then he hugs me, tells me how happy he is and turns and walks away lol. I find out he's gone into the car and cries - for happiness of course. My Dad's ex-military so it was truly an overwhelming moment to watch him breakdown with joy.
How I told my husband
DH was still at work and I wanted to tell him in person. I told him I hadn't received a phone call yet and even though I knew he was anxious for the results I just couldn't tell him over the phone.
So I bought a little shirt that said "Team Daddy" on it and a little baby rattle and placed it in a shoe box over some white tissue paper. When he came home I told him I bought some new shoes and to come see. (I have a shoe addiction). He must have thought it was bad news which is why I bought the shoes haha. He opened the box and literally broke down crying. I'd never seen him cry so much. Not even for our wedding! We hugged for too too long. It was so hot yesterday too like 35 degrees celcius. It was icky haha. But we hugged it out and this time cried for joy and not loss. It was such a relief to feel at peace.
What I did different with this cycle
So I did a couple of things differently this cycle vs. the previously failed one.
1. I quit my stressful job - that helped a ton!
2. I only exercised by walking every other day and 10 minutes of pregnancy pilates one day. I even did a 5km walk for a marathon the day before the test. (It was supposed to be a run but we walked it).
3. I was really positive this time around (this wasn't intentional, I mean I don't know I felt more positive so it was easier to maintain)
4. I rested a lot more than I did the first time and did full bed rest for 2 days after transfer. I tired myself out the previous cycle I think and when it failed I really blamed myself. So I decided this time I'll try to just rest and exercise to get my muscles working but not push myself.
5. I was really strict on my endo diet. On my previous cycle and I had a couple of meals and nibbles of things I knew I shouldn't eat. This time if it wasn't endo approved it wasn't going in my belly.
6. I prayed. A lot. I mean I prayed before but this time (I'm Roman Catholic) I prayed the rosary every night for the whole 2 weeks and I don't know I finally just decided to have faith he would answer my prayers this time around. If not this cycle, than sometime this year. I just felt really sure of it. I prayed.
I thought to myself that I would try to do, what I felt, was the opposite of what I did for the last cycle and if it still didn't work then I'd know that it wasn't my fault either way. I did this because well, I really feel like I hurt my chances the first time around. I still feel like that now. But right now definitely feel well just right.
What now
I feel like the battle is not over yet. Now, it's the chapter of trying to remain pregnant. I know the percentage of MC for endo and IVF patients are much higher than that of normal people so until I hit that first trimester mark I'm still very very anxious and super cautious. Well until this baby pops out healthy and happy I'm not going to feel safe. I'm scared that something will happen, but I have to maintain my positivity. I just have to :)
I'm already 4 weeks and 4 days. My first scan is on the 18th of March and I'm due on October 30!
I can't wait to tell you all about it (if you want to hear about it of course)
Here's to praying this good news stays good news for the entire 9 months!
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