Still can feel bad

Each time I feel as though anything my mother in law would say would not be felt and once again she says something that hurts.  Sitting at the dinner table tonight  we were talking about appreciating the things others do for us.  I had just told Mom last night how I feel she is very generous with what she gives to others, specifically things like money to our son when he needs it, etc.  I try real hard to compliment her if I feel she is doing things that are appreciated.  So tonight we are talking about appreciation.  She said how much she appreciates her son, Pat and all that he does for her like taking her to the doctor, getting her meds, ya da ya da.  Of course I was waiting, the child,  in me for her to say the same thing about me.  But that was not the case.  Guess I wish even now that she would just say one thing about me that is kind and nice.  She cannot, she just cannot.  I can remember before I got this new job in Feb of 2008 how many times I would take her shopping, even tho I hated taking her shopping because she would look at everything as I held her arm to keep her stable and not fall.  I never shopped for me, I did it because I knew she would "appreciate? it????  When I first came here I would buy her goodies and cards to say how much I wish she was not in pain.  Never once did I get a thank you, not once.  I would take her for a ride out in the country so she could get out of the house, never once did I hear thanks Jeanette for your thoughtfulness.   4 years of being thoughtful and nice as I see it and nothing in return.  It does not cost anything to say thank you..  And during those 4 years I would get demeaned, put down and treated as less than.  Her son, my husband, never brought her cards, never brought her goodies in the first few years of living here.  I am not saying I am all that, but what I do realize is that there is this basic feeling I have living here, that I am not as important as my son and husband.  Is it that I am not blood?.  Who knows, but I was hurt by her omission of not thanking me for the things I have done living here.  I know she did not have a mom.  Mom died when she was 9 years old.  Maybe she does not know how to relate to a woman.  Guess I could ask these questions til I am blue in the face and will never get the answer I would want.   She can be very caring to other relatives in the family but cannot say any words that would comfort me and let me know I am cared for.  Her apology when she goes off to me is "I hate when I get like this, like a few weeks ago.  Okay that is her apology, but the words, I am sorry I treated you that way, would go so far with me.     Deep down inside I know that is why I do not go out of my way now.  I know and feel it will never be appreciated, and I will not get what I need.  I know my intuition is right on target.  Guess that is why I often isolate myself from her.  I stay down in the basement and draw or on the computer on DS or doing something so I do not have to spend a lot of time with her.  As my therapist said, that is a healthy thing to do.   So I am healthy, but that does not take away what I yearn for.  And yearning for something does not make it easy, it just makes me realize that I will never, ever get what I want, respect and appreciation.  Guess this is a lesson in acceptance of who I am and that you cannot get what is not possible to get in someone who cannot give you it. She will never be that mother I have yearned for.  She will never be that mother that would care for me as I want to be cared for.  She will never be my expectation of what i think  a woman should be.  She did not get that in her childhood, so she does not know how to love in her adult life.  Funny that i did not have any mother worth anything, and I can still feel, empathize, love and care and show I care.  So in writing this I realize even tho I did not have good mother roles in my life, I did not follow suit with my own son.   I do love him, feel for him when he is hurting, appreciate him for who he is and tell him how I feel about him.  He will always know he is loved and cherished.  Mom is missing out on so much in not being able to express herself in this way, but that is her issue, not mine.  Can't teach an old dog new tricks.  I am soooooooooooo grateful to the God I believe in that I can still love in spite of the lack of love in my childhood.  And trust me when I say I will not go out of my way for my mother in law.  She has shown me time and time again that I am not appreciated.