Still amazed!!!

 Yesterday we went and had our 3d ultrasound done. Wow amazing. I cant beleive that is inside me!!!! We got he famouse sucking the thumb picture. It still hard to wrap my brain around that what i see on the pictures is actually in my tummy. That its the same in my tummy. CRAZY!!! It was so awesom to see my dad and my husband so excited about the babay. After we went they both were on their phones calling everyone telling them how awsome it was. Haveing a miricle baby is so so hard to wrap your minds around. Its like being a little kid and beliveing in santa. I still cant beleive in 4 1/2 month i will have a baby. ME!! of all people.   Everyone is so happy and says i so deserve it but it still feels like its not real. I am so use to the pain and falures and losses that to think it is going to happen to me it a little much to comprehend.   I still hurt for all my sisters out there that have not concieved yet. I know that pain. I know those lows and those holes you get in. I wish that we never had to go through it. I will always have the scares of infertility and pregnancy loss. I still feel like i belong to the group. I feel more at ease with you guys than with the pregnant group. My battle is not over i dont think it ever will be. The losses i have wont go away the babies I lost are not replaced my this one. The disapointments will never fade away to distant memories. Every month i morned the baby that I wouldnt have. I think once you go through infertility its somthing you always carry with you.   Dont get me wrong I love being pregnant and I love my son. I think I love him more than some of the pregnant moms i know because i truly understand the miricle that he is. I feel like he has so much on his plate even at this young age. The battle he fought to get here. Wow. Does he even know how amazing he is? How he is a dream come true and I already feel like i have no controle over my heart because its his. All his every bit of it. There is nothing I wouldnt do for him. This is the first time I feel like a mom. And its because i can finally say I am one.  The emotions I have during this pregnancy are crazy. Im so happy but even more scared. I waited so long to love him and get attached but I had to. But when i did I did. I feel head over heels. I know i cant make it back from loosing him and that is where my faith comes in. God gave me this gift because that is what he is. A gift of pure love from my heavenly father. He did listen to my prayers my pleads he herad all my sorrow and felt all my pain. He loves me as his child like I love Ian as mine.   I have had so many emotions lately and i have not been able to get them out. Its like I feel everything all the time. I just want a healthy happy baby. I pray in 4 1/2 months he will here. I hope in some way I can help all my sisters going through this battle. You can win the war even though you loose a few battles.