Still a tough time
A week has passed since I last wrote in this journal. My cousin called me earlier this week and told me my aunt had died the night before. Second person in the last two weeks I've found out had passed. Today was her memorial service. My mother and I went. It was very sad. She was probably the second closest aunt I was to. Another person I didn't make enough time for. I knew she was sick and in the nursing home, yet I never went to see her. I hate to see people like that who were once vibrant energetic individuals. I just never went. I thought about it a few times but never went. I know that she is better where she is now. Poor lady struggled with depression and sadness her whole life. I will miss her.
Tomorrow is my friend who passed a way a year and a half agos birthday. He would have been 23 years old. I tried to send his email a message with no success. I know it would never be read, but I just need some kind of closure. In my eyes, he's never left. And then I know he's gone. I become devastated all over again. He'll never get to experience life like the rest of us will. That makes me sad. I sometimes think that its ok, because he was one fierce person, and he wont have to grow old, or experience some of the heartache of losing his mother, or someone else close to him. I know I and probably many others are thinking of him this weekend, just missing him and hoping wherever he is, he is happy, healthy and looking after us and guiding us on our way. I still cant get over the guilt of not being a better friend. From what I have been able to read, he was happy with his life at the time of his death. That comforts me, but there's still guilt.
I'm trying to be a better friend since I found out a couple weeks ago. We went to my best friends last weekend for a cookout, and tonight we had friends over for games. In a couple weeks I'm going with one of my friends to PRIDE. I know I'll be better, the last couple weeks have just been really difficult. I've decided to get a new tattoo to honor my lost family and friends. I dont know exactly what yet, but I will have them close to my heart. I hope they are resting in peace and watching over me and helping me along as I struggle to get to a better place.
Tomorrow is my friend who passed a way a year and a half agos birthday. He would have been 23 years old. I tried to send his email a message with no success. I know it would never be read, but I just need some kind of closure. In my eyes, he's never left. And then I know he's gone. I become devastated all over again. He'll never get to experience life like the rest of us will. That makes me sad. I sometimes think that its ok, because he was one fierce person, and he wont have to grow old, or experience some of the heartache of losing his mother, or someone else close to him. I know I and probably many others are thinking of him this weekend, just missing him and hoping wherever he is, he is happy, healthy and looking after us and guiding us on our way. I still cant get over the guilt of not being a better friend. From what I have been able to read, he was happy with his life at the time of his death. That comforts me, but there's still guilt.
I'm trying to be a better friend since I found out a couple weeks ago. We went to my best friends last weekend for a cookout, and tonight we had friends over for games. In a couple weeks I'm going with one of my friends to PRIDE. I know I'll be better, the last couple weeks have just been really difficult. I've decided to get a new tattoo to honor my lost family and friends. I dont know exactly what yet, but I will have them close to my heart. I hope they are resting in peace and watching over me and helping me along as I struggle to get to a better place.
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