STILL...

He's STILL calling me names, so I snapped back at him and said something really hurtful- and I'M the BAD one.  Sooooo... While out for a drive to clear my head, I began thinking about what I REALLY want. I want someone to hold me when I have a bad day- not someone who BLAMES me for my bad days.  I want someone to hold me when I'm sad, and laugh with me when I'm happy.  I want someone who cares where I am and WANTS to spend time with me.  I want someone who would never hurt me on purpose.  I want someone who thinks I'm worth something.  I want someone who believes in me.  I'm tired of being told I'm a worthless whore.  He has never once said, "Yes! You CAN do that hun!"  Every dream I've ever had, he's shot it down to the ground.  I want someone who thinks I'm fine just the way I am.  I want someone who lives for me and I live for him.   I want someone who wants more kids (I want at least 1 more).  I don't want to get hit anymore.  I don't want to be called those terrible things anymore.  I don't want to get yelled at over things that are out of my control, and for stupid little things.  I want to laugh and smile everyday.  I don't want to walk on eggshells anymore!!!  I want to be HAPPY!  Don't I deserve to be happy for a change?  I also want to be able to go grocery shopping without getting yelled at because we don't have any money since he spent it all on things for himself.  I don't want to get yelled at because HE is having a bad day.  I want someone to love me for who and what I am. Is all of this possible?  Probably not.  But, I'd rather be single than abused any more!  There's a difference between being alone and being lonely.  After all, I've BEEN lonely being married to him.  For six years, I have been the loneliest person you will ever meet.