Steps to Helping a Friend Change for the Better

Qouted from Christine Hammond, MS, LMHC

Chris is a with over fifteen years of experience in counseling, teaching and ministry.

Compliment. Even small amounts of praise are effective. A person does not have to agree with every aspect of an issue to offer a few words of encouragement. The ratio should be about 5:1 on compliments to confrontations. Commending a person has a disarming effect and can turn a heated discussion into an opportunity for growth. Steer clear of criticism or judgement as that can turn the best of relationships into an adversarial position. This simple step is a good opening and closing to any confrontation as it eases the sting.

Listen. Even if the story is known, it is best to listen to it being told by the person. What they say, how they say it, what details are included or left out are all clues as to their perspective on a situation. Listening involves paying attention to the manner of speech, body language, repeated phrases, and voice inflections. Effective listening cannot be accomplished by thinking about what should be said next. 100% of the attention must be put on the other person. Feeling heard changes people = it allows them to feel more present, reduces anxiety, allows for vulnerability, and generates intimacy.

Forgive. Forgiveness is not about forgetting hurt, pain, or abuse. Rather it is about releasing the hurt, anger and bitterness associated with the event. Forgiveness is not for the benefit of the person who did something wrong; rather it is for the person who was wronged. Modeling forgiveness is the most effect way to teach it. Telling someone they need to forgive another person while harboring resentment towards others is ineffective and hypocritical

Learn. Studying a person’s behavior, personality, reactions, and responses is more effective when assumptions are put aside. Assuming the worst possible meaning from a behavior, phrase, or gesture puts people naturally at odds. This leads to a know-it-all attitude about the other person which does not foster positive change, rather it can lead things down a very negative path. Instead, ask questions, don’t assume.

Hope. Reset expectations for the other person which are more in accord with their personality, behavior and passions. This lays a good foundation for growth. It often means casting aside society’s opinions and seeing the value in the other person, regardless of their current behavior. Hope is a powerful force in change and expecting the best outcome resets attitudes and encourages a person to move forward. But there also must be a limit to hope as some people don’t want to change.

Gratitude. Once again, gratitude is best taught by example. Telling someone they need to be grateful or thankful for what they have can be frustrating when times are difficult. Instead model this by finding something appreciative about the other person. This sparks an attitude of thankfulness that can be infectious.

Goals. This is last for a reason. Without first completing the other six steps, a person is not going to be receptive to setting goals for the future. But this is also the most important step because without ambitions, a person’s motivation dies. Goal setting should be encouraged, not forced, guided, not directed. A person won’t strive to accomplish an objective that they are not invested into.