Step 1 journal
What does "the disease of addiction" mean to me?
Always had a problem with the concept of addiction as a disease, but I have a slightly different perspective now that I'm an addict myself. I do think my brain is diseased, or else it wouldn't have betrayed me the way it did.
As a behaviorist, I believe we all operate on a reward/punishment system. Our behavior is influenced by consequences. But what has happened with my addiction is that I either rationalized the consequences or ignored them. This addiction takes away the power of consequences to influence behavior when it comes to gambling.
So while I still grapple with addiction as a "disease", my compulsive gambling is something that needs treatment, and constant oversight and I need help to get well, so if disease is the word to be used, then so be it.
Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
No, I haven't gambled in 7 weeks as of today. But the amount of time and energy and research and focus I've given to recovery, talking to my counselor,thinking about how to stop gambling, going to meetings, reading literature, posting on forums, etc, has pretty much consumed a good portion of my life these past 7 weeks. So even though I haven't gambled, I have been consumed by recovering from gambling. So yes, it is still a huge part of my life, just learning how to not fall into that abyss again.
What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.
I get obsessed pretty easily. The pattern is:
Interest- something will pique my interest,
Research-I'll look into it, do some research (mostly online) and then get lost in time.
Obsessive thinking- self explanatory
Action-sometimes impulsive, just say "what the hell, I'm going to get/buy/do this"
Regret- I'm the queen of returns and buyers remorse. Using shopping as an example, even though I don't have a compulsive shopping problem. But in other things, for example the Casey Anthony murder case, I spent hours and hours on a website discussing the evidence.
Always had a problem with the concept of addiction as a disease, but I have a slightly different perspective now that I'm an addict myself. I do think my brain is diseased, or else it wouldn't have betrayed me the way it did.
As a behaviorist, I believe we all operate on a reward/punishment system. Our behavior is influenced by consequences. But what has happened with my addiction is that I either rationalized the consequences or ignored them. This addiction takes away the power of consequences to influence behavior when it comes to gambling.
So while I still grapple with addiction as a "disease", my compulsive gambling is something that needs treatment, and constant oversight and I need help to get well, so if disease is the word to be used, then so be it.
Has my disease been active recently? In what way?
No, I haven't gambled in 7 weeks as of today. But the amount of time and energy and research and focus I've given to recovery, talking to my counselor,thinking about how to stop gambling, going to meetings, reading literature, posting on forums, etc, has pretty much consumed a good portion of my life these past 7 weeks. So even though I haven't gambled, I have been consumed by recovering from gambling. So yes, it is still a huge part of my life, just learning how to not fall into that abyss again.
What is it like when I'm obsessed with something? Does my thinking follow a pattern? Describe.
I get obsessed pretty easily. The pattern is:
Interest- something will pique my interest,
Research-I'll look into it, do some research (mostly online) and then get lost in time.
Obsessive thinking- self explanatory
Action-sometimes impulsive, just say "what the hell, I'm going to get/buy/do this"
Regret- I'm the queen of returns and buyers remorse. Using shopping as an example, even though I don't have a compulsive shopping problem. But in other things, for example the Casey Anthony murder case, I spent hours and hours on a website discussing the evidence.
Replies
Great insights...you covered a lot. I, myself, don\'t really think gambling is a disease. It seems more of a symptom of something else going wrong in our lives. Either something is missing or we are avoiding something. Then an obsession comes about and it keeps us occupied and so ritualistic that the other key issues are put on the back burner. But, to each their own as far as belief systems.
When you mentioned Casey Anthony, I understand what you mean. I didn\'t really follow the case but I like the tabloids, TMZ, etc. and during book clubs I always seem to be the one who is explaining the current Hollywood dramas. I also read a lot of bios on Judy Garland, Janis Joplin, Elvis and became fascinated with 20\'s movie stars like Clara Bow. I went to Hollywood a couple years ago and really enjoyed myself at the Chinese Theater and going on those goofy star tours. But, anywho, I guess it\'s a matter of knowing when it\'s an interest and hobby versus an obsession. When it\'s an obsession, it\'s not fun anymore. I guess that\'s what I\'ll say as a bottom line.