Peace be with you

I have refused suicide several times so that my girls will never have to live with a question like that.  I have wanted to escape to Panama and China to take English teaching jobs.  I feel like my life is already over.  I have nothing on my bucket list. Is it wrong for a man to wish there was intimacy in his life? My answer is that it is not wrong for most men but it's wrong for me since it that wish for intimacy seems to be the source of all my problems.  Something that should be pleasure really results in pain.  this pain in my life keeps me from enjoying it. 

Replies

nixon1972
nixon1972

On any page of the infidelity support group there are 20 women to every man telling of their spouse's infidelity. On the sex addiciton site its almost all men. On other dating sites, including sites for people who cheat, there are many more men, sometimes as much as 80 men to each woman. Obviously most women dont really need us. mostly anyway. Millions of men like myself are just not attractive enough to be picked. No woman wants us so we have to live life like this. Real sex is exciting and everyone knows it. Its been 4 years.
nixon1972
nixon1972

Im telling the truth to get honest opinions, so go ahead and say it because I need to hear it. Ive been married almost 20 years and have 2 daughters. I think about 6 years ago I knew I didnt love her but I didn’t even think of changing anything since I was a dad and husband. Also about 6 years ago I realized that I wasn’t attracted to her anymore either, things had changed. About 3 years ago she had a condition where intercourse feels like pins, needles. Now I feel like we are just friends and I shouldn’t complain about our marriage because it’s not her fault.

A new employee, about my age, let’s call her Mrs. Smith, started working 2 offices away from me last August. Being a spry 52 years of age I found out Mrs. Smith’s limits. She says that we are just friends, that its not an affair because we’ve never been alone. I can tell this is infidelity by a few things: I don’t want my wife to know. We have a thread of over 2000 texts since last August. We meet in coffee shops and restaurants every week. I never ever imagined infidelity before meeting Mrs. Smith.

Is it wrong for me to wish there was love or intimacy in my life? I wish I could have an affair.

This June I will be working at a different job. I can imagine a goal in life.
iriemon
iriemon

Hi nixon1972

I know I am far too young and don't even have any experience in marriage, but I hope this helps.

Although my ex and I were in an LDR (therefore we weren't even able to be intimate for the most part), the times that we were physically together he wasn't able to satisfy me in bed. Sex was also very painful for me in certain positions. I never really spoke to him about any of these because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But in hindsight, by not communicating about this, I never really gave us a chance to improve things in that aspect.

Perhaps you can talk to your wife about this? Perhaps you and your wife can consult a gynaecologist about her pain during intercourse? It's not wrong to want love or intimacy in a relationship/ marriage, in fact those are the very things that separates relationships from friendships. Even though it may be a hard conversation, you may be able to figure out a solution together if you let her know the pain you're in.

There are so many things I wish I could have be more upfront with my ex, that would have saved the both of us from a lot of hurt (though I wasn't even fully conscious that I was unhappy, I thought I was fine with all the long distance/ lonliness/ lack of pleasure until a third party came along).
nixon1972
nixon1972

thanks for writing, and reading , your advice is good and I can tell bc its what other people say also. Im trying to make a plan to get through this and youve helped, I appreciate it. Keep in touch OK? :)
nixon1972
nixon1972

OMG I just realized something, are all these men taking Viagra because they are not attracted to their wives? Is that whats really happening? Viagra works even if you are not aroused at all by your partner? I have to ggoggle this but that’s really disappointing somehow,
nixon1972
nixon1972

I worry that I have already been in love or had sex for the last time. It was several years ago, I didn’t realize it was going to be the last, I don’t have much hope that anything will change.

I feel like I lost my left arm or something in me has died. There is a famous book, The Seven Stages of Greif. I am still in the early stages of denial and anger, to loneliness , the next stage for me is supposed to be “the upward turn” . OK I’m ready?

After all the flirting and attraction I realize how it has never ended in rejection. But always just a disappointing “we’re just friends” . Men don’t compute that phrase well at all. The attraction to a woman doesn’t go away until another woman comes along.

So I could protect my wife by giving up even though my healthy body is screaming inside. And I could avoid all the disappointment in my own life to know that I am unlovable.

If I can accept that I am unlovable and stop flirting I could move on and enjoy life again .

Why doesn’t that feel like an “upward turn” ?
nixon1972
nixon1972

I realized I should never have blamed my wife. It’s not her, it’s me. I drifted away from her years ago, I’m not attracted to her now. Im a wannabe stray husband only because I let all this get in the way of reality. The reality is that trying to get what I want is like playing with matches and I wont get what I want anyway.
nixon1972
nixon1972

Yesterday, Friday, I had lunch with Mrs. S in her office. She sat with her legs crossed and tilted her head and told me she chose her dress that morning because she remembered how much I liked it before. When she shifted in her chair I saw for a split second that her panties were blue. After lunch I went outside to the stone benches. I was leaking, My wife has never aroused me this much. Im so full but my wife just wants to be friends and Mrs. S wont let me.

I remember Mrs. S used to complain bitterly about her husband. Over the months she has become more confident, more proud of herself. I have flattered her and made her feel good and special. I think that flirting with her has made her marriage better and stronger because now she feels attractive and desirable again in her life. She takes this ego boost home and gets the confidence from spending the day with me to approach her husband and renew their relationship. Its clear that she is just teasing me like crazy.
nixon1972
nixon1972

I saw a infidelity victim post about an excuse called the “sad sausage” . For my entire adult life I’ve heard us admit to each other, “Men have needs” .

I wouldn’t blame anyone who said that of me, especially any woman who was a victim of infidelity.

OK so I should wonder if I have needs or I’m just making an excuse. It’s going on my list of decisions to make.

I feel like I’m having a midlife crisis and teen angst at the same time. Do I wish I felt better about myself?
nixon1972
nixon1972

I saw a post where an AP was being called a predator. It caught my attention because I had lunch dates with a woman who was 26 almost a year ago. I was twice her age and Im still not sure im buying it. She is old enough to vote, buy liquor and carry a concealed weapon in my state. She’s no teenager and she can choose which gentleman she wants to take to lunch.
nixon1972
nixon1972

My two best friends and I meet at least once a year. About ten years ago my friend C says, “ hey you won’t believe it but I had an affair since I saw you guys last” . My friend B asks him 20 questions , hotel room, kiss, gifts, liquor, and C says “No” to every one. My friend B is annoyed and says, “You just went bowling with her once a week and you never did anything more than hold hands? That’s not an affair !

And my friend B told him, “ It is because I don’t want my wife to know. “

I had been thinking of that when I met Mrs. S last August. I am really going to miss her, nothing happened, we never did anything, but I still had lots of fun somehow, i think Mrs. S and I really are friends. And somehow it really hurts to be just friends.
nixon1972
nixon1972

I have to accept that there will be no love or sex in my life. I guess it's taken 4 years to realize it.

Thirty years ago I lived with a GF for 2 years. My current wife and I met about 20 years ago. I never had any other real relationships. I found a picture of my GF and I eating dinner and it’s funny how I looked back then. I framed it and keep it on my desk at work. I like to look at the picture and remember how many great times and trips we had so long ago. My co-worker had seen the picture before today and she came in the office and saw me looking at the picture. She told me that I was living in the past and that I shouldn’t do that because it makes a person sad and that I should live now and look to the future. I had to say it,

“but I don’t have a future”

Somehow I have to accept that I can’t fix this . I’m worth it and have a lot to offer but no woman will ever find out. I’m too old, too skinny. I don’t have a chance. I just wish I had something to hope for.
nixon1972
nixon1972

Mrs. S let me know that our relationship wasn’t convenient for her anymore. I needed to end it and it’s the best thing but I hate that it’s happened. But she used all the flattery to fix her own marriage. I’m going to miss her for months or maybe years unless something changes.
I can fix electrical problems, and fix plumbing and cars, I can fix radios and more but I can’t fix my life.
There has to be some woman out there who is about my age facing the same situation. Im going online to try to meet her.
nixon1972
nixon1972

I have to stop being attracted to women . I have to stop wishing. I have to accept the reality that I'm unwanted, unlovable, hopeless.
iriemon
iriemon

Hi nixon. I'm a little bit unstable emotionally so I haven't been commenting much. Sorry about this!

Apart from the sexual problems, have you ever spoken to your wife about how you unloved you currently feel in the marriage? About all these things you feel, like how you feel like you are currently only friends with her? I understand it is a very serious conversation that could hurt her, but I think it will be bad for your wellbeing in the long run if you keep this all to yourself.

Even if none of this is her fault, you should communicate with her anyway because she is in the marriage with you, she would want to know that you are suffering, and if there is anything she could do to fix things.

You are not doomed to a loveless life. Please keep on having hope and trying!