Starting over once again...

Having to start again on my reboot/recovery. I don't really consider it a relapse but I caught myself watching porn and that bothered me. I want to be able to do this reboot cleanly. With zero slip ups. To me, it's  not just a PMOing that I'm concerned about. That's actually not the issue. I just can't seem to figure out why the urge comes up and I can't resist it. I can't find my trigger. Loneliness maybe? Annoyance with certain aspects of my life? Maybe I'm doing this whole recovery thing for the wrong reason. I like to think I'm doing it so I can feel better about myself. Feel free and not like shit every time I slip up. But I'm starting to realize that I think my real reason is because I want to have a normal sex life without having some sort of issue with my bodily functions. I don't want to be worried about embarrassing myself with a girl again. And yet I feel constantly hopeless that I'll ever be able to reboot and have my body back to normal. Even when I was clean for almost a month I still had the same problems. I know it takes time to repair everything and I was impatient but it's still frustrating.