Starting Over
So my big sister has taken me under her wing after I came clean about my toxic relationship as well as dependency on Xanax, and my ex and I are no longer allowed to communicate... Although I know he is a bad person, I can't help but feel like I lost my very best friend. He probably doesn't even miss me, but I can't get him off my mind or get good sleep. No more xanax, or boyfriend, and getting two part time jobs... quite the change! All I can do is remain positive about the future... who knows what it holds for any of us! Support needed!!!! going crazy :(
Replies
What is it that you get from your ex-boyfriend that you feel you\'ve absolutely got to have??
I was very protective of my heart... and I felt like he was the one when we started dating 2 years ago, but his true colors have come out. I just miss him being there for me sleeping next to someone, the idea of what could\'ve been, an escape from my family. Idk, it became an unhealthy dependence.
Trying to get away from a bad situation often distorts your perception of other situations. Usually they are not as good as they appear. I was married the year you were born, and there was one thing that caused me to question myself about the marriage, but it was so much better than my situation at the time. Now that issue is a major reason we are getting divorced. It sounds like your sister is a good person. That may be the first place you want to build your bonds. With a good support group behind you, your confidence will build, and you will see things for what they are. You will also be less tolerant when people show there true colors. Just take it when day at a time - it will get better.
*Hugs you* I just saw your newest journal entry. I\'m so happy your sister is helping. Support is so important in life! I\'m also glad you realize that he is toxic for you. I know the feeling of feeling like you lost your best friend. When I got out of my 2 1/2 year relationship I was unable to function. I was literally ill over it because I felt so alone. You just have to find things YOU like again personally. Good luck with the two jobs, it\'ll leave very little time to obsess over the heartache. Xanax is so difficult to come off of. I also understand that. It was the only thing that ever truthfully did what it was supposed to for me. All my love and support girl
It\'s a whole lot better to find out these things during a courtship that in a divorce court.
Narcissists love to see dependent women have their children...it\'s sets the hook in really deep.
Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom! They really helped solidify that my decision was the correct one. Tigerpaws, very interesting you say that... he would often, very randomly tell me what a wonderful mom he thinks I am going to be.... then would snap back into the demeaning abusive person he is at the core.
He\'s been the object of double messages himself. He knows the craft well, apparently.
Think about it. If we were raised by a Musician, we might be musically inclined. If we were raised by a thief, we might know a thing or two about that.
So, someone who is trained by a conflicted person...might also learn conflict themselves.
See how this gets passed down from generation to generation??
You always are so insightful... his father would always come into my old bank... I was a teller, very charming and funny... just as my addict abusive father is, when we first started dating and opening up about our dysfunctional family historys we realized our fathers were VERY similar. His fathers behavior the night shit hit the fan two weeks ago, from what I remember (I was blacked out from vodka... I\'m not a heavy drinker plus xanax plus built up hostility towards many people that were there) was extremely unacceptable, for any grown man. No matter how belligerent I may have been.
Both struggling addicts, his father abandoned him, his little brother and his mom... at a very very young age. His mother had difficulties taking care of her sons who had a lot of potential, my ex is very book smart, but got in withthe wrong crowds, she would send them to Dallas to stay with their dad, from Oklahoma city in hs and college several times to get him on the right track. My ex hashad several DUI\'s which he has learned absolutely nothing from. I see him as a very damaged person, but still motivated to do well in life, maybe too motivated. His Davis currently dating a new women with three small children. He Is living with them and although Its extremely difficult to get my ex to open up, he has expressed his anger about this, his father.missed out on at least 11 years of his life. He now currently is working for his dad. He would often compare me sleeping in on Sundays to his mothers depressed state after his father divorced and left her... he would have to get up and make breakfast for himself and.his brother (boo FREAKIN hoo lol) however I related to this innate pain, as my father basically gave up when I was 17 and my mother was burdened with having no savings, a teenage daughter and no support. I can tell he does not open up to people abt this pain often. The first time he physically hurt me about a year ago, I threatened to go to his probation officer, he promised It would never happen again... def did, and suggested counseling himself, however never followed though, makingme spiteful, Long story short lol you know exactly what to say to get me thinking abt things in an honest way.
There\'s no way you can save him. He probably cannot save himself as the realities that something is wrong have been spelled out and yet he will not ask the all burning question, \"What\'s wrong with me?\"
He is not anywhere near hopelessness, yet. Don\'t let him or anyone else put you in a place of hopelessness...because they will have you or anyone else like you wearing their clothes of shame.
Be very happy you don\'t have his kids.
I wondered why I was so depressed when I felt at times he was the answer to my loneliness. I think you\'ve hit the nail on the head... he placed and blamed a lot of his issues and insecutities on myself and others, and at times society in general.
I used to want to have kids with this guy.. thinking not only abt the connection I would share with him but that we could both heal by bonding and loving a baby giving it what we never had...
Obviously I now see that would definitely not solve any problems, also may be caused by my own selfish yearning for a biological connection to another life since I was adopted at birth. Anyways, thank you again, I really do appreciate all of ur thoughts
By having a baby, you want someone in your life that will be a part of you forever.
This is normal and it\'s especially normal in your case. Your needs are deep and it makes this life decision all the more important for you.
Most likely, the best candidate for you...to become your husband...is the best friend you\'ve ever had that has never invalidated you.
Watch to see what kind of relationship he has with his own mother...and examine that relationship closely. See what he is over the long haul.
Find someone who can reciprocate your emotional needs.
You are a lovely person and you are going to have a lovely home and family.
You are a pretty girl and intelligent and alot of decent men would love to have you share their lives.
Best way to get rid of old memories is to replace them with new ones.
:) Hugs