starting over

it's been 19 days since my positve pregnancy test, and the bleeding is starting to subside. I'm so glad. I think the hardest part of a miscarriage is the daily reminder. waking up everyday with a full on af, thinking 'this is what im left with...' and going to bed empty at nite putting on a fresh pad and hoping it will be the last nite. let's face it, i have had it easy.... my boyfriend has been fantastic. caring just enuf to know im not crazy. but not so much to make me feel bad... It was so early i only had 2 days to get atttached to the idea. I am sooo lucky. And not to mention the whole idea that we weren't even trying. had we really been attempting a baby, i wouldnt have been drinking, etc... in between. It's really just a stumlble. I just worry for the next few weeks... My brother's ex girlfriend is due 3/6. he wants to leave town cus the bitch wont even let him be a part of the birth.  who knos about Ella's life. Ella. That will be her name. and I hurt more now for him than me now, because for the first couple months they were together... he went to the appointments... he chauffered her other daughter here and there and was a great baby daddy. And now. what does he get? Now I hurt for him. What's it like to lose baby that you know will survive?  ugh i hate it. On the other hand my cousin totally reached out to me the other nite. I was deep in despair of a failed motherhood and found out my estranged bestie, the one who abandoned me during the divorce is expecting. My myspace Mood/update was simply this 'I want to die'. My cousin called... right in the pit of it... and said 'ohhhhno, this isn't cool...' this man lost two legs volunteering for the local FD. And he felt my loss was greater than his. What? I got my hopes up. nothing more... really! And he had the strength to tell me my sadness was completely justified. How? I just watched a friedn go to jail for drugs and I still feel like I am worse off. How did he do that? Oh if only I could learn from matt....  Ok so that was a whole lotta rant. sorry... drunken chatty stupor. it's over now.