Srsly?
It's so hard when I read about or hear about someone who is so distraught and upset over being cheated on by someone they've been dating. Not just "only dating" - but generally for a relatively short period of time (less than six months.)
Betrayal hurts no matter where it comes from or how it's administered. It doesn't matter if it's a sister who lied to you, a boss who made promises she didn't keep, or a wife of 20 years who took a lover - it freaking hurts. I am not denying that. But when people get their panties in a bunch and "woe is me!" as if their world is going to end just because someone relatively new to their life has cheated, I really have a hard time mustering much sympathy.
Maybe my attitude about dating is just different, in general, anyway. When you're dating, you're scoping out the pack and weighing your options. There may (or may not) be a verbal agreement to be exclusive, but it's sort of different, in my mind, that promising before God, family and friends to be exclusive and to put each other above all others.
There's also a huge difference as far as lifestyle and dependency goes. Look, if you've been married to someone for 23 years and s/he is the main bread winner and you're financially dependent on him or her, your world DOES rather much end when you find out about his or her infidelity because all of a sudden you gotta figure out how you're going to provide for yourself - even if the betraying spouse agrees to stay on board with the marriage and work things out. Just in case. Ya know?
So what really changes when one has been dating for four months and their girlfriend/boyfriend cheats? It hurts like hell, no doubt, and one may have to take a hard look at options and whether or not this person is right. It may also be an opportunity to really discuss and explore boundaries and expectations. Maybe one partner doesn't consider certain things cheating, ya know? It's been a long, long while, but back in my "dating days" it wasn't unusual for me to be dating several (at one point, seven...) guys at a time. I wasn't looking to get married and find my one true love, I was just interested in good company for outings, entertainment, conversation, and yeah, sex. I never lied to my dating partners, and in fact, made it pretty clear that I was dating other guys. However, any one of those guys might have gotten pissed and considered it "cheating" because I was sleeping with more than one of them, cos, well, maybe to him, kissing is ok, but sex isn't?
Regardless, it seems like maybe some of the drama surrounding some of these "cheating" episodes gets blown out of proportion emotionally to my jaded perspective, so I just offer pat condolences as best as I can and step away. I guess it's like one mom bitching about her kid's cold while another is waiting to hear news of remission for her own kid, ya know? Both are stressful, but the scale just isn't even the same in my mind.
Betrayal hurts no matter where it comes from or how it's administered. It doesn't matter if it's a sister who lied to you, a boss who made promises she didn't keep, or a wife of 20 years who took a lover - it freaking hurts. I am not denying that. But when people get their panties in a bunch and "woe is me!" as if their world is going to end just because someone relatively new to their life has cheated, I really have a hard time mustering much sympathy.
Maybe my attitude about dating is just different, in general, anyway. When you're dating, you're scoping out the pack and weighing your options. There may (or may not) be a verbal agreement to be exclusive, but it's sort of different, in my mind, that promising before God, family and friends to be exclusive and to put each other above all others.
There's also a huge difference as far as lifestyle and dependency goes. Look, if you've been married to someone for 23 years and s/he is the main bread winner and you're financially dependent on him or her, your world DOES rather much end when you find out about his or her infidelity because all of a sudden you gotta figure out how you're going to provide for yourself - even if the betraying spouse agrees to stay on board with the marriage and work things out. Just in case. Ya know?
So what really changes when one has been dating for four months and their girlfriend/boyfriend cheats? It hurts like hell, no doubt, and one may have to take a hard look at options and whether or not this person is right. It may also be an opportunity to really discuss and explore boundaries and expectations. Maybe one partner doesn't consider certain things cheating, ya know? It's been a long, long while, but back in my "dating days" it wasn't unusual for me to be dating several (at one point, seven...) guys at a time. I wasn't looking to get married and find my one true love, I was just interested in good company for outings, entertainment, conversation, and yeah, sex. I never lied to my dating partners, and in fact, made it pretty clear that I was dating other guys. However, any one of those guys might have gotten pissed and considered it "cheating" because I was sleeping with more than one of them, cos, well, maybe to him, kissing is ok, but sex isn't?
Regardless, it seems like maybe some of the drama surrounding some of these "cheating" episodes gets blown out of proportion emotionally to my jaded perspective, so I just offer pat condolences as best as I can and step away. I guess it's like one mom bitching about her kid's cold while another is waiting to hear news of remission for her own kid, ya know? Both are stressful, but the scale just isn't even the same in my mind.
Replies
Ditto, underlined, bolded, and !!!!!
YES!!!!!!! I suspect that\'s its the person who gets too attached too fast that is the betrayed person in these scenarios. I\'m also surprised by those who never really had an agreement to be exclusive but still get upset about it.
The one that gets me is when the entire relationship was online ...
Right!?
And I don\'t mean to be insensitive - I know pain is pain, no matter where it comes from, but ugh. It\'s NOT the same and it rubs me all wrong when someone implies that I should be more understanding, since I, too, was betrayed. Um. Yeah. Of my husband of 16 years with whom I have three kids. It\'s... different. :/
Agreed. I must admit that I used to not apply the term \"cheating\" to dating at all. In my book you cannot really cheat on somebody you are DATING. If you sleep with somebody else while dating it qualifies as bad or not classy break up. If your boyfriend/girlfriend sleeps with someone else you get your heart broken by a jerk, someone who was not (apparently) worth you and clearly did not choose you and you move on.
I feel your comparison to mothers of very differently sick children is spot on.