SPOILED LITTLE BRAT

SPOILED LITTLE BRAT Current mood:  betrayed Category: Blogging THIS IS A HARD ONE FOR ME. I'M WRITING IT WHILE MOM'S ASLEEP SO SHE WONT HEAR ME CRY.GROWING UP I WAS THIRD IN LINE. I WAS THE GOOD CHILD AND EVERYONE DOTED ON ME. I HAD MY GREAT GRANDMA AND SHE LOVED ME UNCONDITIONALLY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY. I EXCELLED IN SCHOOL UNTIL HIGH SCHOOL AND EVERYONE WAS SO EXCITED FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT MY FUTURE. MY GRANDPARENTS DOTED ON ME AND LOVED ME AND SPOILED ME BECAUSE MY MOM COULDN'T. SHE WAS A SINGLE MOM WORKING, AT TIME, TWO JOBS, AND STRUGGLING TO KEEP FOOD ON THE TABLE, BUT SHE WORKED HARD SO I STAYED WITH MY GRANDMA ALMOST EVERY DAY.IN 1999 I LOST MY GREAT GRANDMA TO CANCER AND THE LAST TIME I SAW HER SHE WAS PARTIALLY PARALYZED, BUT THAT'S NOT HOW I REMEMBER HER. SHE WAS AMAZING. SHE LOVED OLD SHOWS, DOLLS, CROSSWORDS AND WORD SEARCH AND THAT'S WHERE I LEARNED TO SPELL. I DID WORD SEARCHES WITH HER EVERY SINGLE DAY AFTER SCHOOL BEFORE AND AFTER HOMEWORK. WHEN IT STORMED OUTSIDE I WOULD ASK MY MOM TO TAKE ME TO HER SO I COULD PROTECT HER. WE ALWAYS I'LL LOVE YOU ALWAYS, NOW, FOREVER, AND BEYOND AND WE'LL BE BEST FRIENDS. HER BIRTHDAY WAS MARCH 24 AND MINE IS MARCH 25TH. I KNOW IT'S THE TIME OF THE YEAR FOR ME TO REMEMBER HER, CELEBRATE HER, AND SHARE HER WITH MY LITTLE COUSINS WHO NEVER MET HER.IN 2006 I LOST MY GRANDMA. EVEN WHEN SHE WAS SICK, SHE STILL DOTED ON ME, LOVED ME, AND TREATED ME LIKE I WAS SO SPECIAL. SHE DIED A WEEK AFTER MY BIRTHDAY THAT YEAR, AND ON MY BIRTHDAY, IT WAS A SUNDAY, I GOT UP EARLY, WENT OVER TO HER HOUSE AND SHE MADE DUTCH BABIES...IT'S LIKE A PANCAKE BUT BAKED IN THE OVEN AND THINNER. THEY ARE A MIRACLE IN A PAN. SHE WAS SO SICK BUT STILL PUT ME AHEAD OF HER. SHE WORKED SO HARD AS A MOTHER AND GRANDMA, AND WAS AROUND TO SEE ALL THE GREAT-GRANDKIDS BORN. I'M SO GLAD SHE GOT TO SEE ALL OF US BE BORN, BUT SHE IS MISSING OUT ON SO MUCH.TODAY IN 2010 MY GRANDFATHER IGNORES ME, MY COUSINS WHO I'VE TRIED TO MAKE AMENDS TO AVOID MY PHONE CALLS BECAUSE I CAN BE NEEDY. SO WHAT! I JUST WANT THE CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW MY COUSINS AND THEIR KIDS. I CAN UNDERSTAND NOT WANTING ME OVER ALL THE TIME, BUT COME ON TAKE A CALL NOW AND THEN. I HAVE A MOTHER WHO WOULD RATHER TAKE ALL OUR MONEY TO THE CASINO AND BLOW IT THAN TRY TO HAVE A REAL RELATIONSHIP. THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW HOW TO WORK TOGETHER IS SHOPPING OR SPENDING MONEY OR FIGHTING.MY AUNT WHO I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A PART OF MY LIFE, STILL SEES ME AS A SCHEMING LOSER WHO WILL TAKE HER MONEY IF SHE TURNS HER BACK. I HAVE FUCKING CHANGED I AM NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE.I HATE HOW I WAS THE CENTER OF ATTENTION FOREVER, THE FUTURE OF THIS FAMILY AND NOW IT'S LIKE I DON'T EXIST. I'M AN AFTERTHOUGHT. MY LITTLE COUSIN AMY JUST TURNED 21 AND EVERYONE WAS THERE FOR HER PARTY, EVERYONE HAD MONEY FOR HER, THE ONLY PEOPLE I SAW ON MY 21ST BIRTHDAY WAS MY GRANDPARENTS AND MY MOM AND LEE. NOBODY CAME OUT TO SEE ME, WENT TO THE CASINO WITH ME, OR EVEN CALLED. I HAVE MADE A LOT OF MISTAKES, AND I'M STILL MAKING SOME. I HAVE CHANGED AND WHY CAN'T THEY SEE THAT. MY GRADUATION FROM COLLEGE AFTER 8 YEARS WAS ONLY AN AA BUT STILL IT WAS MY GRANDPA AND AUNT AND UNCLE, BECAUSE THEY BROUGHT MY GRANDFATHER, AND MY MOM AND LEE. THEN THERE IS MY OTHER FAMILY.MY NA FAMILY LOVES AND ACCEPTS ME, BUT I'M SO OUT OF THE LOOP THAT I NEVER SEE THEM, WE RARELY TALK AND I FEEL ISOLATED FROM THEM.I NEED TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE AND DO SOME THINGS. I NEED FRIENDS I CAN TRUST AND WHO BELIEVE IN ME. I NEED SOMEONE WHO WILL STAND BESIDE ME, LET ME CRY ON THEIR SHOULDER, OR CRY ON MINE. I'M TRYING, AND THAT'S ALL I CAN DO.I GUESS I JUST NEED TO LET IT ALL GO AND JUST DO MY OWN THING. AS LONG AS I MAKE THE NEXT RIGHT DECISION, I WILL STAY ON THE RIGHT PATH.FOR THOSE WHO LOVE ME FOR ME AND NOT BECAUSE YOU FEEL YOU HAVE TO. THANKS! I LOVE YOU TOO. AND THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVEN'T BEEN IN MY LIFE AND STOOD UP FOR THE RELATIONSHIP WE HAVE/HAD. I'M SORRY YOU'RE MISSING OUT ON A WONDERFUL FRIEND THAT MAKES MISTAKES AND SCREWS UP, HURTS YOU SOMETIMES, BUT IN THE END NOBODY'S PERFECT.I MISS THOSE I'VE LOVED AND LOST, BUT MOST OF ALL I MISS MYSELF BEING OKAY WITH BEING THE WAY I AM AND IGNORING ALL THE FAMILY DRAMA FROM PEOPLE WHO WONT EVER WORK ON THEMSELVES.