Space cadet
I got a new Rx for fiorocet. I know I'm using too many per day but I'm self medicating and it's nice to just be able to relax and not be up tight all the time. I like being a little silly. Is this what it's like to be manic? I've always dreamed of being "up". I'm always so far effing down that I don't know what it's like to be "normal".
The viibryd is not causing me any problems that I can tell. I will probably be out of the fiorocet soon and will have to be relying on the antidepressants and regular nsaids for pain and angst relief. I've had horrible swelling in my legs and feet for weeks now and it keeps getting worse. I broke down and bought compression stockings. They WORKED. I have to wear them every day and I look like an old lady, but I don't care. I have ankles again. My legs still hurt when I walk but it's not that water logged feeling. I don't care if I look ridiculous with stockings in 100+ degree heat. I just want to feel better. I will confess something. I want attention. I want people to ask me how I am and notice that something is wrong with me. It's kind of a relief to have something wrong that is visible instead of just in my head. How effing crazy is that?!?
I have to write things down in my planner, on my white board on my fridge and then I'm still forgetting things. I have not been able to get on my diet. WHY?!?!?!?!? I know what to do and I can't make myself do it! Sometimes I get angry at myself and other times I'm like what the eff. Who gives a shit?
I feel like a space cadet and part of me likes it. I know I need to be more responsible and get my shit together, but I haven't been able to force myself. Laundry needs to be done. Food needs to be made. I feel like my husband's going to be pissed at me when he sees how much money I've spent this week. But at the same time I feel like telling him to fuck off and deal with it. I cannot do this all on my own and I don't have the energy and wherewithal to manage my life. Or anyone else's life. It makes me feel like a failure, but I just want to sleep and be high on pain meds. I keep my son clothed, fed, and in a clean diaper. I hug and kiss and love him. I keep him safe. I force my older kids to do chores to try to keep things semi-presentable around the house. I'm not giving up forever, just for the day.
I want to go listen to some music that makes me feel young and invincible.
"We could be sleeping in the flowers We could sleep all afternoon. You'd proclaim that you're an island I'd proclaim that I'm one too. Then we float into the harbor With just piers and boats around. I declare that I am England You declare that I have drowned ... "
I've been listening to They Might Be Gi.ants a lot the past few days because they make me feel less crazy. Or more crazy. I'm not sure which!
I feel like I should be quoting Rocket Man, by Elton John, because of my title.
I better quit writing before I write something horrible.
dea
The viibryd is not causing me any problems that I can tell. I will probably be out of the fiorocet soon and will have to be relying on the antidepressants and regular nsaids for pain and angst relief. I've had horrible swelling in my legs and feet for weeks now and it keeps getting worse. I broke down and bought compression stockings. They WORKED. I have to wear them every day and I look like an old lady, but I don't care. I have ankles again. My legs still hurt when I walk but it's not that water logged feeling. I don't care if I look ridiculous with stockings in 100+ degree heat. I just want to feel better. I will confess something. I want attention. I want people to ask me how I am and notice that something is wrong with me. It's kind of a relief to have something wrong that is visible instead of just in my head. How effing crazy is that?!?
I have to write things down in my planner, on my white board on my fridge and then I'm still forgetting things. I have not been able to get on my diet. WHY?!?!?!?!? I know what to do and I can't make myself do it! Sometimes I get angry at myself and other times I'm like what the eff. Who gives a shit?
I feel like a space cadet and part of me likes it. I know I need to be more responsible and get my shit together, but I haven't been able to force myself. Laundry needs to be done. Food needs to be made. I feel like my husband's going to be pissed at me when he sees how much money I've spent this week. But at the same time I feel like telling him to fuck off and deal with it. I cannot do this all on my own and I don't have the energy and wherewithal to manage my life. Or anyone else's life. It makes me feel like a failure, but I just want to sleep and be high on pain meds. I keep my son clothed, fed, and in a clean diaper. I hug and kiss and love him. I keep him safe. I force my older kids to do chores to try to keep things semi-presentable around the house. I'm not giving up forever, just for the day.
I want to go listen to some music that makes me feel young and invincible.
"We could be sleeping in the flowers We could sleep all afternoon. You'd proclaim that you're an island I'd proclaim that I'm one too. Then we float into the harbor With just piers and boats around. I declare that I am England You declare that I have drowned ... "
I've been listening to They Might Be Gi.ants a lot the past few days because they make me feel less crazy. Or more crazy. I'm not sure which!
I feel like I should be quoting Rocket Man, by Elton John, because of my title.
I better quit writing before I write something horrible.
dea
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