Sounds stupid but it's just me I guess.
The kitchen is all finished and all I can think about every time I walk into the kitchen is Brownie, sigh. He would have loved these cabinets. They are just what he wanted. It makes me sad. I hope this passes and I don't stay sad about it forever. I keep telling myself he would be happy I finally had it done. He wanted it done. He may be gone from this earth but for some reason I know in my heart he knows I had it done, the way we discussed. He loved when I did things to the house because he knew it made me happy. Sadly this did not. I realized the things I did, I did to make a nice home for him. Now he's gone. It doesn't seem like a home anymore, it's just a house. I know it isn't just me that has lost a loved one. I know people loose loved ones every second of every day. Makes me sad for them to. I know their pain all to well. The sad part is I know I will never get over it. It will be 11 months on the 3rd of September. When I am alone (my 23 year old granddaughter lives with me) I scream as loud as I can. I cry. It doesn't sound like I'm even trying to get better but I really am. I walk around in front of people smiling, chatting and acting normal. When I'm alone it is a different story. I really deserve an academy award for my acting. Nobody would ever know I am dying inside from the pain of my loss. I didn't know the body could produce so many tears. I didn't know what true sadness was until Brownie died. Died what a word. I hate that word. Another word I HATE is widow. Bad words. I guess I just have to trudge along because it is what it is. I can't change it. Tears just flow. Hope others in here are doing better then I am at this moment. I had a very bad week last week and this week so far. I hope things get better. Tired of it all, just so tired of it all. (((Hugs)) to all. Linda
Replies
Linda congratulations on completing this major task the way you and Brownie would have done. This comes with mixed feelings and maybe just for a moment focus on the satisfaction knowing that you completed the challenge and that Brownie is watching over you and proud of what you accomplished. Like you I have become a big actor to shield the pain I have from others I love and know that there is no way they can understand. Be glad that you have your granddaughter living with you so it is not an empty house and someone to enjoy your kitchen. It is a very slow and painful road we are on but each day we are moving very slowly out through the other end.
I understand and am sorry that you have to go through these feelings. I know how hard it is and you will be okay. Sharon
So sorry you feel this way, as a man I always want to fix things. This I can not help with. If you feel he would like the cabinets and it makes you a little better so be it.
We all have our bad moments. Sometimes of our own making. Spent the day yesterday reading wife\'s old love letters. Yes it\'s some times the objects around us that cause the most pain.
Thank you all for your support. It is greatly appreciated. MrCliny I burned our love letters shortly after Brownies death. I didn\'t want anyone else to read them should something happen to me. To me they are private thoughts between the two of us. I wonder if one day you will burn or destroy yours. Just a thought. I read each one of his and the ones I wrote him. I burned them and cried as I did it. I kept one, I had to keep one. I do have the many cards he gave me over the years. Sometimes I look at them and cry. He always put a long note in them. He was a sweet man. I keep them in a box under my bed on his side. I don\'t know why, I just do. Again thank you all for your support. I have had a bad day today. (((Hugs))) Linda