soul searching.....

I have spent so many years wondering, searching, caring, crying, denying, furious, helpless in the feeling of never being good enough. Because he said I wasn't. Never pretty enough, never smart enough, never talented enough. Every word was hurtful mean and broke me down so so many times. For all those years I managed to keep my head up and keep my faith in the fact that somehow it would all work out and that I could forgive all that had happened. The lies, the cheating, the emotional abuse, the betrayal....all of which I carried on my shoulders. While he lived as though there is nothing happening, no accountability, no apologies.
Now that we live two separate lives and I am not longer accountable for his feelings, thoughts and happiness. I can let go of all that weight that I carried for so many years. But somehow those feelings still come back and haunt me, take over the happiness I have built for so hard to bring back into my life the last couple of years. I see my child going through the same struggles when the anxiety takes over from wondering what and how that man will be, the mood he will take for the time spent with him. It makes my heart break because I know that feeling all to well. The feeling that you can't smile, you can't laugh, you can't be warm inside your heart because he wont allow it. He wants you to be miserable and sad, mad at the world for whatever reason may be on the agenda for that day.
My goal is to take back my strength, to extend my knowledge, to help with my understanding of what my innocent child is dealing with. I will do all that I can to reassure this young soul that there can be a happy ending to everyday regardless of the actions of others or the negativity that may have happened.
I pray for strength from my creator everyday...... that I may achieve this goal.