Sorting

Been a long time since I've had a sleepless night. This sleepless night doesn't quite qualify as insomnia since I slept most of the day. I'm somewhat grateful for it, since I have missed the bewitching hours during these years of mostly peaceful and regulated sleep. Obviously, I haven't missed them too much. There has been nothing to stop me from tweaking my sleep schedule to accomodate, had I really wanted to.

I am still giving it the time test, but I do believe I found the roots of the recent anxiety attacks. My attempts to shift gears from the months of wandering to finding a sustainable plan for my future were based on the delusion of collaboration with Hubs. This morning finds me wondering if he ever was on board with spousely collaboration or if those notions were purely mine and he was just using the patronize and stone-wall tactics to keep me in domestic service. Dunno. . . My only certainty is that I have had enough years on his someday shelf and am dead-tired of having the rug pulled out from under my projects at his busy inconvenience. Our last conversation carried the premise that he would be able to take time to allow my current survey to begin in October when he will be able to take vacation time. Great. I get to have a life for 2 weeks a year. How fulfilling.

All the personal projects still sitting at the investment property are calling louder than ever. I want a place to set them up and allow them to grow without interruption. I still feel like the world's biggest fool for having moved them up there to begin with.

The Big D has been much on my mind lately. Feeling like divorce is the only way to escape the suspended animation of life on a busy man's someday shelf. How did I get here in the first place?