Sort of Thrown Into the Light

After speaking with my minister last night, today seems to be the easiest morning to wake up too in a long while.  I came out to our lovely living room, got the paper, read my inspirational chapter from a book given by a friend, had my breakfast,, got dressed, and out the door. It has been hard to reach inside and discover what you really feel, but I have managed to do it.  Is tomorrow going to be an improvement to?  I don't know. I need only to be concerned about today, as each day hopefully builds in a positive direction. Fact is that I miss my husband.  Fact is I love him.  He was a cherished part of my life, not to be forgotten, not to be expected to put our photographs away that are scattered throughout the house, along with both our deceased parents and other family members.  They were part of our lives, not to be shut away because they sometime inflict internal pain.  My rings are still on my hand.  Why?  Because I want them there and they feel good. I am keeping my home.  Why?  Because I love it.  It is easy maintainable on my salary, and a place where I find peace and comfort after a long day.  It does not house bad memories.  I feel good at home and I am not alone.  I know that God, my husband and parents surround me daily, helping me through this journey.  I also have family and many friends who love me and continue to enjoy my company. Yes, it is a lonely feeling to not have a partner.  Yes, I feel like I am out in left field sometimes, while everyone else has a life.  But at some point we all need to turn those thoughts around and know we are a part of life.  Our life has purpose, what I don't know.  All I know is that I don't want to be drug down or backward anymore.  I want to feel good, feel confident, and at peace.  But we can't force it.  Little steps at a time. And I have come to the realization, the hard way, that well meaning people need to really think before they open their mouth.  They give suggestions, or ask questions as to why you fear the things you do, think that things are going to happen that you don't want to.  I believe that our vulnerability, anxiety, and depression causes these irrationale thoughts and feelings.  Comments and opinions only compound the issue, and we don't need more crap piled on top of us when we are trying to figure out what we are doing, or where we are headed. I know I am rambling, and I may not feel like this tomorrow.  But the words are flowing and they are not lies on my part today.  They are truth.  I only hope that tomorrow will be a better day for all of us, and at some point we will be at peace with our life and resolved with our loss. My loss is in my heart, not expected to be forgotten or overlooked.