sort of setback

I had to call my sponsor tonight. So far, I have not been too bad as far as my cravings go but the last few weeks have been hard. I do not really have any friends which I know I will but for now it is lonely. The few times I am invited to anything,  there is always drinking involved. I did not have a problem with alcohol in a way but when I would use, alcohol was usually involved. I am somewhat embarrassed to tell people that I am sober at 25. I do not like going into detail because people then look at you differently. I don't like when people look at me differently because of my past. My first ex boyfriend which is the one that got me started on the drugs and was quite abusive has been trying to contact me.  He currently lives in a different state and we haven't seen or talked in years but I know he is still using. It is his fault in a way that I started using drugs but it was from the rapes that it got so much worse. The second attack is what did me in most. I was so messed up from it, physically and mentally, that I wanted to do anything to make me forget it. I still have not spoken about it in detail or even wrote about it. It makes me remember and I get flashbacks pretty often now which probably means I need to face it but I am much too scared. I am worried that if I face that attack, that I will have no choice but to use again to get through it. If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it. I know I need a hobby or something because I cannot just sit with my thoughts anymore.

Replies

firespinner
firespinner

i thought this, how am i meant to live life with out using, with all this pain, so much stuff going on in my head, and life just isnt good at all! But when i go to meetings and you see a newcommer that reminds you why you are in recovery because anything is better than death, no matter how much pain there is i can call a friend rather than pick up coz that is insanity, there was this person in a meeting who is suffering from a severe illness and she hasnt picked up, people who loose parents and i think blimey how do they not use on this, but it all goes back to step one if i pick up i will go insane, hang in there x
charmingdisaster
charmingdisaster

I am doing all I can to not use. I call my sponsor a lot. Last night got a little rough for me but I am hanging on. Thank you for being there for me.
deleted_user
deleted_user

You can do it.. You can do it.. You can do it.. :)
deleted_user
deleted_user

Do not contact the Ex... Delete...Block... Tell him to leave you the f- alone. Try running, or swimming, or painting, or collecting beach glass, or learn how to cook. Cooking is what I have been doing... learning top notch meals and going out and grabbing something to make it delish... plant a few herbs to go along with it. Go all out with treating your body well. Might as well treat it good and show it some lovin\'.
charmingdisaster
charmingdisaster

I have not contacted the ex yet. I do really need to find a hobby. I am not sure what to do though.After everything I have done to myself I really do need to show myself some love.