Sort of level sort of manic sort of pissed
Well, the last couple days have been interesting, since going on Seroquil (sp) I have had all the side effects that they list, even without listing them and reading and bringing them on myself, the one I could not tolerate was the decrease in sexual ability, I have since called the doctor, stopped taking and am left to my Lithium and Hydroxyine, which I must say without drinking the last 10 days has me fairly level headed and stable, I know I can't drink another drop, and I will face my fears continually head on, I started the gym back and weight lifting yesterday, and have my routines from years of it with a chest day, arm day, back and shoulder day and cardio mixed in, (all weight lifters mostly hate leg days so I purposely left em...;p) I have a good start, have about 15 pounds I want to drop, and define the muscle I have and feel pretty good about myself currently, I know self esteem is huge in the right ways, ..
The thing that I have issue with, and I know more and more about it, and honestly I don't know where it will lead me or my marriage, is I have learned the difference along with talking to my therapist that my wife and I have almost complete different personalities as far as affection and attention and how you show one another you love them, she can easily fix a meal and show love this way, and while it is, there has never been discussion on each others needs that didn't end in a fight, her feeling she does tons, and I should never want more, me feeling yes she has areas, but they are her areas of expression not necessarily areas that I want expressed to me, before you even think it, I am not talking all about sex, see, I feel some fell out with us in the simplest way to say, she expressed love to me the way she felt I needed it, and I expressed love for her the way I felt she needed it, not the way each wants to feel and get love, I am a passionate person, I want to get lost in her eyes, to lose my breath staring at her, to feel butterflies and lose track of time feeling her breath on my chest, to play footsie and rub feet and feel and explore each other way beyond sexual things, I need this, crave this, starve for this and absolutely won't be able to always not have it, when you talk with another, and they are offended by this, and wonder how could you want more, when the very things are not given nor even entertained, is the youth feelings of affection, attention, honeymoon stages if you will, I want to keep them, always, and can keep them alive in me, and will live and die this way as I know how it feels to have this, and will not settle for anything less.
I don't know where it will leave me as far as marriage, what I do know, is the less I ignore it, with meds or alcohol, the more I know what I want in life.
If you have negative comments critiquing me, keep them to yourself, I am not childish, I would entertain any thinking, and would say that maybe you have had enough hurt in your life not to experience it, I have, and once you do have eyes that lock and affection that takes your breath, a fairy tale feeling, you wont settle for another thing.... I have experienced enough to know the difference, love comments, but there are enough demons in my head for negative responses or even any as an authority to what I know I have been, experienced and seen.
Truly much love, and many well wishes to my friends. <3
The thing that I have issue with, and I know more and more about it, and honestly I don't know where it will lead me or my marriage, is I have learned the difference along with talking to my therapist that my wife and I have almost complete different personalities as far as affection and attention and how you show one another you love them, she can easily fix a meal and show love this way, and while it is, there has never been discussion on each others needs that didn't end in a fight, her feeling she does tons, and I should never want more, me feeling yes she has areas, but they are her areas of expression not necessarily areas that I want expressed to me, before you even think it, I am not talking all about sex, see, I feel some fell out with us in the simplest way to say, she expressed love to me the way she felt I needed it, and I expressed love for her the way I felt she needed it, not the way each wants to feel and get love, I am a passionate person, I want to get lost in her eyes, to lose my breath staring at her, to feel butterflies and lose track of time feeling her breath on my chest, to play footsie and rub feet and feel and explore each other way beyond sexual things, I need this, crave this, starve for this and absolutely won't be able to always not have it, when you talk with another, and they are offended by this, and wonder how could you want more, when the very things are not given nor even entertained, is the youth feelings of affection, attention, honeymoon stages if you will, I want to keep them, always, and can keep them alive in me, and will live and die this way as I know how it feels to have this, and will not settle for anything less.
I don't know where it will leave me as far as marriage, what I do know, is the less I ignore it, with meds or alcohol, the more I know what I want in life.
If you have negative comments critiquing me, keep them to yourself, I am not childish, I would entertain any thinking, and would say that maybe you have had enough hurt in your life not to experience it, I have, and once you do have eyes that lock and affection that takes your breath, a fairy tale feeling, you wont settle for another thing.... I have experienced enough to know the difference, love comments, but there are enough demons in my head for negative responses or even any as an authority to what I know I have been, experienced and seen.
Truly much love, and many well wishes to my friends. <3
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