Sophia and Life
We DID have another 1.2 million tests planned for Sophia for next week, but since some dear friends of ours brought their little "Typhoid Mary" to church for the funeral, Sophia is EXTREMELY ill. Her autoimmune disorder makes her catch anything & everything and it sets in 1,000 times worse for her than for the infector, so having their 3 yr old hack up a lung all over Sophia for hours wasn't helpful. Like we needed another thing to make Sophia miserable.
I've been so tired, and don't get enough time to sit at the computer, so I don't know if I have shared some of the crud that has happened in the last 6 weeks.
Let's name a few:
DH lost his job as an Executive Vice President...the next day our baby died (and you know how that goes...it affects EVERY DAY FORWARD)...Sophia has all her crazy scare medical stuff, like the news about the fact that her intestines could rupture and kill her at any time....our main vehicle developed every possible issue...our FURNACE BROKE just as the temps dip into the 30's at night (keeping in mind that Sophia is sick)...our car heater also went out...and at LEAST a dozen other things...some of them significant (like my Lupus diagnosis) have come our way.
Yesterday, though we had to crack up at the latest one... I had to do some Gluten Free/Casein Free/Soy Free/Refined Sugar Free baking (That is our life) for the funeral, so Sophia could eat at the reception and all of a sudden, there was a funny noise from our 3 yr old oven...the element had BURST INTO FLAMES!!! LOL I tried baking soda and NOTHING. So, I stood there with the fire extinguisher, debating about whether I should A) ruin all my hard work....and B) possibly cause some explosion when the cold extinguisher hit the element....lol In the end, it burned all the way around, leaving a lovely pile of ashes. CRAZY Since we have to HOME MAKE EVERYTHING...and I mean EVERYTHING...being without an element in our oven is a major pain. We have a wonderful convection toaster oven, but we are heavy-duty bakers, so this is a bummer.
I had some crummy moments yesterday with my DH before the funeral. Yes, I know emotions were running VERY VERY high. We have been on the compromise of not TTC, but not trying to PREVENT conception either, which is why I couldn't go with Sophia into the Barium Xray procedures (in the off chance that I was pregnant). I had asked my OBGYN for a serum pregnancy test, because my cycle would not be due until the 28th. I didn't want to get caught off guard and feel devastated by my cyle, plus that would allow me to go in with Sophia for the Xrays she was GOING to have if she had not gotten sick. They called yesterday to tell me that the test was negative. The doctor's office assumes we are frantically trying to conceive, because that is what they told us to do, so they ordered a STANDING HCG test, so I can have the blood test done whenever I want. Again. I love them.
The nurse was WONDERFUL and said they have all been praying for us that we would get the positive test "WE" are hoping for...yadda yadda. Well, when I went to tell my husband about the call, he was a first class JERK to me. He cut me off (which he NEVER NEVER does) and changed the subject. I thought he was just intent on what he was talking about, so I waited and mentioned it later in the day. Same thing. So, I burst into tears. Because that is who I am now. I don't get it. I am not a CRIER...or I WAS NOT a crier, but I guess I have a new reality. I cry when people ask me how my day is...or when they are sweet to me...or mean to me...etc. So, anyway, I'm bawling and he said that he didn't want to talk about the pregnancy test because today was about Matthew and I was trying to make it something else. So, I flipped my lid, which is something I also never do. I even raised my voice (not a yell, but not a normal speaking voice for sure!) and told him that I didn't appreciate him cutting me off twice. That it was totally disrespectful of me...and of my feelings. My DH is a good guy, so, he did the right thing and came over and put his arms around me and apologized...and asked me to tell him about the call.
Here is where I lost my mind. I can't even explain it. All I could think is that he is all over the board (yes, I guess I am too...but I'm consistent in wanting a baby) and that my feelings would probably just hurt him...put more pressure on him while he is freaked about being unemployed. That he doesn't need that additional stress and I need to stop leaning on him. I can't talk to him about my insane and uncontrollable desire for a baby. I can't talk to him about taking the progesterone suppositories and baby aspirin or where I am in my cycle or ANYTHING. I need to shut up and find someone else to talk to. So, looking very immature and punitive in his eyes, I told him essentially that...in nicer and less direct terms. But I felt such disgust and rage. He is my best friend but I can't tell him about the things that ache my heart the most. It was all really under the surface of the crushed feeling I had in the negative test result call anyway. I didn't feel pregnant anyway....and I knew he had carefully avoided anything that could have led to pregnancy during that time anyhow. I love him so much, but I hate that we can't seem to help each other with where we are. It is like our objectives are not aligned. It was really hard to feel gentle feelings toward him until we had to put Matthew's coffin in the car. He was sobbing as he loaded him into our Suburban...and I realized that this man is truly a remarkable husband, father and provider. He adores us.
Still I feel very alone in my frantic desire to conceive. :-(
I've been so tired, and don't get enough time to sit at the computer, so I don't know if I have shared some of the crud that has happened in the last 6 weeks.
Let's name a few:
DH lost his job as an Executive Vice President...the next day our baby died (and you know how that goes...it affects EVERY DAY FORWARD)...Sophia has all her crazy scare medical stuff, like the news about the fact that her intestines could rupture and kill her at any time....our main vehicle developed every possible issue...our FURNACE BROKE just as the temps dip into the 30's at night (keeping in mind that Sophia is sick)...our car heater also went out...and at LEAST a dozen other things...some of them significant (like my Lupus diagnosis) have come our way.
Yesterday, though we had to crack up at the latest one... I had to do some Gluten Free/Casein Free/Soy Free/Refined Sugar Free baking (That is our life) for the funeral, so Sophia could eat at the reception and all of a sudden, there was a funny noise from our 3 yr old oven...the element had BURST INTO FLAMES!!! LOL I tried baking soda and NOTHING. So, I stood there with the fire extinguisher, debating about whether I should A) ruin all my hard work....and B) possibly cause some explosion when the cold extinguisher hit the element....lol In the end, it burned all the way around, leaving a lovely pile of ashes. CRAZY Since we have to HOME MAKE EVERYTHING...and I mean EVERYTHING...being without an element in our oven is a major pain. We have a wonderful convection toaster oven, but we are heavy-duty bakers, so this is a bummer.
I had some crummy moments yesterday with my DH before the funeral. Yes, I know emotions were running VERY VERY high. We have been on the compromise of not TTC, but not trying to PREVENT conception either, which is why I couldn't go with Sophia into the Barium Xray procedures (in the off chance that I was pregnant). I had asked my OBGYN for a serum pregnancy test, because my cycle would not be due until the 28th. I didn't want to get caught off guard and feel devastated by my cyle, plus that would allow me to go in with Sophia for the Xrays she was GOING to have if she had not gotten sick. They called yesterday to tell me that the test was negative. The doctor's office assumes we are frantically trying to conceive, because that is what they told us to do, so they ordered a STANDING HCG test, so I can have the blood test done whenever I want. Again. I love them.
The nurse was WONDERFUL and said they have all been praying for us that we would get the positive test "WE" are hoping for...yadda yadda. Well, when I went to tell my husband about the call, he was a first class JERK to me. He cut me off (which he NEVER NEVER does) and changed the subject. I thought he was just intent on what he was talking about, so I waited and mentioned it later in the day. Same thing. So, I burst into tears. Because that is who I am now. I don't get it. I am not a CRIER...or I WAS NOT a crier, but I guess I have a new reality. I cry when people ask me how my day is...or when they are sweet to me...or mean to me...etc. So, anyway, I'm bawling and he said that he didn't want to talk about the pregnancy test because today was about Matthew and I was trying to make it something else. So, I flipped my lid, which is something I also never do. I even raised my voice (not a yell, but not a normal speaking voice for sure!) and told him that I didn't appreciate him cutting me off twice. That it was totally disrespectful of me...and of my feelings. My DH is a good guy, so, he did the right thing and came over and put his arms around me and apologized...and asked me to tell him about the call.
Here is where I lost my mind. I can't even explain it. All I could think is that he is all over the board (yes, I guess I am too...but I'm consistent in wanting a baby) and that my feelings would probably just hurt him...put more pressure on him while he is freaked about being unemployed. That he doesn't need that additional stress and I need to stop leaning on him. I can't talk to him about my insane and uncontrollable desire for a baby. I can't talk to him about taking the progesterone suppositories and baby aspirin or where I am in my cycle or ANYTHING. I need to shut up and find someone else to talk to. So, looking very immature and punitive in his eyes, I told him essentially that...in nicer and less direct terms. But I felt such disgust and rage. He is my best friend but I can't tell him about the things that ache my heart the most. It was all really under the surface of the crushed feeling I had in the negative test result call anyway. I didn't feel pregnant anyway....and I knew he had carefully avoided anything that could have led to pregnancy during that time anyhow. I love him so much, but I hate that we can't seem to help each other with where we are. It is like our objectives are not aligned. It was really hard to feel gentle feelings toward him until we had to put Matthew's coffin in the car. He was sobbing as he loaded him into our Suburban...and I realized that this man is truly a remarkable husband, father and provider. He adores us.
Still I feel very alone in my frantic desire to conceive. :-(
Replies
I am so sorry Sophia is sick :( I hope she gets well soon. I am also so sorry you are going through so much. I can only imagine how rough things are for you. I feel like my troubles are so small in comparison to what you are going through.
It must be so hard not to be able to talk to your hubby about your wanting to ttc. Hopefully he will find work soon and things will turn around and you two will be on the same page.
My thoughts and prayers are will all of you. If you need anything let me know. I\'m usually around..((hugs))
My prayers are still with your whole family. I understand the feeling of not being able to talk to DH about conceiving/time of the month/best time to conceive. It seems like all of our tense moments occur around these conversations. DH is finally talking to me again but my emotions are so up and down these days it\'s unreal!!
I am so sorry for all of you. Poor little Sophia such a little trooper having such a bad cold. You and your DH having misconnection issues. From your journal it sounds like you are both grieving Matthew\'s loss but each in your own bubble. DH has closed down and his way of dealing with the situation is to close off all emotions. You are the exact opposite. All your emotions are on your finger tips which is why you are probably crying at the slightest thing. This is also proably why you and DH are at odds with each other. Give yourselves some time to grieve and heal and then approach the TTC subject again. DH has had some serious losses all at the same time and men don\'t seem to be as resilient as women in those kind of situations. They shutdown emotionally and you have to patient and wait while they process and deal before they are willing to open up again. You have had a lot of serious losses and stress as well. I am sure dealing the stress of Sophia\'s condition is not making htis situation any easier for either of you. My advice for what it is worth is to cut each other a little slack. DH should allow you to talk about your fears and concerns without making you feel ignored or disrespected and you should tuck in your brain and heart that DH may not be emotionally ready to be back in the TTC pond. He may be willing to talk about it, obviously willing to argue about it, but scared on multiple levels about moving forward with it. Remember it is not a reflacation of his feelings for you or having another child but his brain and heart working through the grief and stress he is feeling now. Be good to each other. You guys have been on the ride from hell lately. If it wasn\'t for bad luck you wouldn\'t have any recently. It is high time for good luck and sunnier days for you and your whoile family. I hope and pray that DH gets a job soon, Sophia feels better and figure out her underlying problem, and you my dear friend get that dream baby to hold on to for life. XO :)
I completely understand. I feel like I\'m frantically TTC...and DH wants to, too, but he\'s more \"it happens when it happens\" he\'s not into even figuring out when I ovulate (obviously I know, and initiate BMS lol) let alone anything else more serious to TTC. But he\'s also unemployed, and a lot of men place their value on being able to provide for their family.
And like Jenn1307 said, you\'re grieving very differently, so I think you guys just need time and you can both happily TTC.