Soooo Interesting
As a new friend here on DS told me yesterday, "maybe you were his night in shining armor"...
Hmmm. The more I have thought about it that fits perfectly. I was soooo in the fog when we started dating. Think about it:
1. my husband had just left me (after 25 years) for an OLDER woman that lived out in the boonies
2. the life that I had had with my ex was filled with chill. No communication, no intimacy, no SEX for the last 15 years of our marriage
Along comes this younger man. In my eyes he was independent, fun-loving, relaxed, hip, not a care in the world. Always up for something - (as long as I paid). He golfed with me and really seemed to enjoy it. He had "friends" (I later discovered these were men that came from his past that didn't seem to care for him the way he did for them). I was so in the fog that all I could see was that for the first time in 20 years I was going out, attending concerts, eating out three times a week, drinking wine on the deck by the firepit (and not alone). In fact, anything that I wanted to do I was doing (as long as I paid). I felt like such a grown up. And I felt so damned attractive!!!!!!!!!!!
In addition, he was all mine. By that I mean that he didn't seem to mind that everything revolved around my home, my children, my holidays, my grandchildren. There wasn't that uncomfortable feeling that I had to "desert" my own children to be with him. (Remember, my children had just lost their father).
Now to move forward to what onyx said. Hmmm, maybe I was even more important to Kevin??? He had (has) nothing. He had two failed marriages and one failed baby momma relationship. He had a crap car given to him by his mother. I don't even want to tell you what his apartment was like, suffice it to say that I went only twice and stayed no more than 10 minutes each. Maybe he thought he'd hit the jackpot when he met me?????
And then. When the fog began to lift from my eyes, and reality was beginning to set in and I began to nudge him regarding certain things (such as, no credit card, no bank account, not keeping up his end of the bargain with the bills, etc. etc.) maybe he decided that he didn't want that thrown in his face every day. After all, who likes to REALLY see themselves for who they are???? He knew that his "welcome stay at the Sandy Hotel" was winding down. Why not take the initiative to leave so that the blame can be turned around? So off he goes, believing that he has left me high and dry and broken hearted... Ahh, but, Kevin. I am not high and dry, for I DO have a fabulous job (with health insurance, a pension and benefits), I DO have a bank account (with money in it that won't be seized by the gov't because I owe child support or back taxes), I DO have a credit card. I am self-sufficient. I am an adult. I am broken hearted, but, that too shall pass.
Hmmm. The more I have thought about it that fits perfectly. I was soooo in the fog when we started dating. Think about it:
1. my husband had just left me (after 25 years) for an OLDER woman that lived out in the boonies
2. the life that I had had with my ex was filled with chill. No communication, no intimacy, no SEX for the last 15 years of our marriage
Along comes this younger man. In my eyes he was independent, fun-loving, relaxed, hip, not a care in the world. Always up for something - (as long as I paid). He golfed with me and really seemed to enjoy it. He had "friends" (I later discovered these were men that came from his past that didn't seem to care for him the way he did for them). I was so in the fog that all I could see was that for the first time in 20 years I was going out, attending concerts, eating out three times a week, drinking wine on the deck by the firepit (and not alone). In fact, anything that I wanted to do I was doing (as long as I paid). I felt like such a grown up. And I felt so damned attractive!!!!!!!!!!!
In addition, he was all mine. By that I mean that he didn't seem to mind that everything revolved around my home, my children, my holidays, my grandchildren. There wasn't that uncomfortable feeling that I had to "desert" my own children to be with him. (Remember, my children had just lost their father).
Now to move forward to what onyx said. Hmmm, maybe I was even more important to Kevin??? He had (has) nothing. He had two failed marriages and one failed baby momma relationship. He had a crap car given to him by his mother. I don't even want to tell you what his apartment was like, suffice it to say that I went only twice and stayed no more than 10 minutes each. Maybe he thought he'd hit the jackpot when he met me?????
And then. When the fog began to lift from my eyes, and reality was beginning to set in and I began to nudge him regarding certain things (such as, no credit card, no bank account, not keeping up his end of the bargain with the bills, etc. etc.) maybe he decided that he didn't want that thrown in his face every day. After all, who likes to REALLY see themselves for who they are???? He knew that his "welcome stay at the Sandy Hotel" was winding down. Why not take the initiative to leave so that the blame can be turned around? So off he goes, believing that he has left me high and dry and broken hearted... Ahh, but, Kevin. I am not high and dry, for I DO have a fabulous job (with health insurance, a pension and benefits), I DO have a bank account (with money in it that won't be seized by the gov't because I owe child support or back taxes), I DO have a credit card. I am self-sufficient. I am an adult. I am broken hearted, but, that too shall pass.
Replies
Oh boy reading this, does make one think that he thought he had found the perfect cash cow (excuse the use of the word cow - not meant as a description of you at all!!)
He must have decided that it was time to move on to another poor unfortunate sucker to live off, when you started to put the reality in his face.
As hard as it is getting over the broken heart, I think he has actually done you a big favour. You deserve so much better Sandy!!!
I hope the pain of your loss will soon fade. ((hugs))
You can clearly see him for what he seems to be. I think that is wonderful. It might not hurt any less but you have put things into perspective. Yes, this too shall pass and you will move forward with your house, your job and security.
I dated a mooch for a few months and believe me, after the newness wears off, it\'s easy to see their \"moochiness.\" I had the same sort of situation--we often took my car (it was better on gas), we often ate at my house (me cooking and providing the meal prep). When I finally started realizing and pushing, he started distancing.
Trust me. We didn\'t lose a thing except for mooches.
Hugs!
Thanks, guys. The fog is beginning to lift...
It didn\'t take long for the fog to lift, my dear. It\'s just a matter of opening your eyes and seeing things as they really were. Lesson learned. Now get on with your wonderful life and know that you are too wise to allow this to happen again! xoxox