Soo... how fucked up is my psyche now?

Is it bad that the first time in months that I've felt anything at all, I had to get really high to feel it? I've been trying online dating and was kind of putting a lot of effort into it. I really wanted to meet someone new, feel some kind of spark that I haven't felt in a long time. It seems so rare that I meet someone I truly connect with and the few that I do I don't keep in touch with
 
... In fact, to ad a little sting to the pain tonight one of these women that I used to connect very well with actually told me she didn't want to stay in contact (one of the many dramas that shattered me so severely a few years ago).
 
Anyways, back to what I was saying, I wanted to feel something new. I wanted that wonderful magical feeling I've always read about. After about a month of trying to find someone online, I found almost nothing. I had met a few women who seemed nice but nothing I really felt drawn to.
 
As some of you know, for quite a while now I've been feeling very strange.. nearly emotionless. Emotions just didn't effect me the way they used to. Like I can feel emotions, but they seem distant, more detached. I can't honestly say I was horribly unhappy or anything, so that's good. But I felt... well, nothing really. Obviously I would still have ups and downs but the ups weren't so high and the downs weren't so steep. I didn't really get depressed, sad, angry... just felt nothing. I work at a cat sanctuary and I've been here for few kitty deaths and if I felt anything it over it, it was pride that these kitties died old, healthy and happy.
 
None of them have made me sad at all. Knowing these creatures feels like a kind of gift to me, especially because some of them were very shy and apparently the most recent one to pass only ever warmed up to me and was kind of hostile to everyone else... Or well, so they assumed. I think I was the only one who actually stopped to consider that maybe she was just a little different. She would always hiss at me when I came into her room but she never bit or scratched me. One day when I felt brave enough I actually tried to pet her and she LOVED it! It made me wonder if maybe for some reason she thought hissing was a friendly gesture and no one really understood. It was weird and took some time getting used to but eventually I realized when she hissed she usually meant "Hello."
 
But I didn't log on to rant about a cat. For the past week or so I've been talking to this woman online. Things seemed to be going fairly well, she sounded like a really nice, interesting person and it's kind of unusual that I meet someone this intelligent (thankfully shere's another girl I'm still kind of in touch with who seems even smarter but I don't have high hopes for her either). A few days ago, I noticed that she had found one of my dating profiles but forgot to ask her what she  thought until last night. This morning I got a rather negative response.
 
Now, I need to explain this a little, for the past few days I've been kind of reflecting over my past dating experiences... MOST of them have been negative. For me pursuing any sort of dating life has been kind of like intentionally hunting out the worst illnesses ever. When I fall in love, I usually tend to get sick A LOT. I mean physically ill. My emotional state just dissolves into a dangerously depressive mess... But I have had A TINY bit of success in the past. Not a whole lot, never had a serious relationship or anything.. Actually, I've only ever met two women I really connected with and only one stands out as the only woman to give me any kind of positive dating experience (the other is the one I mentioned above... I think... sorry, I'm really high right now and can barely read what I'm typing because I don't have my glasses on). There's nothing mystical or magical about this woman either. It was a short fling, we had really great chemistry but it was only meant to last a few months.
 
But that's where my mind has been on this topic... Most of the time, I will be hurt, I will be disappointed, and I will be depressed when I pursue any kind of dating relationship with anyone. This is why this woman's words hit me so hard. They weren't even particularly harsh or negative but for a month I had been trying to meet someone online and for a month I had been noticeably ignored by everyone. I felt invisible... but as usual, emitionaly blank. I felt nothing.
 
All day today I've known something was off about me. Something didn't feel right. I had already planned to take down my dating profiles by now anyways and I had been too optimistic and lazy to do it. After reading that message, I did it. I removed almost all trace of myself from these sites. I left only the profiles where I was still talking to someone and I'm about to take one of them down right now simply because I actually don't really have any interest in meeting the person I'm talking to and I hate it when people do that to me.
 
For some arbitrary reason I chose today to do something I almost never do, trip. I took a drug to get as high as possible and I'm probably going to smoke the last of my weed too. This particular drug, I knew if I swallow the whole bottle it would eventually make me sick... but when the drug finally started to take effect I was hit HARD! It came on fast too! I went from feeling completely sober and normal to intoxicated and going through a serious, uncontrollable emotional breakdown. I haven;t had one of these in months and it's been even longer since I got this high off this drug.
 
I started listening to music, than i started listening to specific songs that matched my mood. Then I though "I should write" and before I could even finish the first sentence I felt like lying down, so I made it almost to my bed and suddenly started crying my eyes out. I couldn't even get into bed it was so intense. Thankfully it wore off quick but once it did I was totally off into the cosmos. Even as I write this (obviously) I'm higher than the sky!
 
But my emotional state hasn't completely settled. This is the first time in an unusually long time that I've been this rattled.... At least I have some control over it now, I'm more or less able to feel emotionally stable... or stabilize myself if I need to... not so sure I can walk straight though. Weird how the mind is now working better but the body is now.... anyways, off I go..