Son's Birthday
My oldest son, Riley, is turning 15 today. Its hard to believe he is in high school already and will be able to start driving. I wish Bill was here to celebrate with us - I know that he is in spirit, but its so difficult to celebrate without him.
There is a guy I know named Dan that I had dated before Bill, and I really loved him a lot, but we had different religions and I felt that he didn't want to get serious with me because of that so I dated Bill and settled down. I always considered Dan a friend, and I always had some feelings for him, but after I came back to Madison when Bill died, he told me how much he loved me and that I was "the one" for him (his marriage didn't work out), and he regretted not getting more serious with me. This was a lot to take after Bill died, but I always loved him and we enjoyed talking to each other - 4-5 hour phone conversations - but as I started to support him in his life, he gained some confidence and "dumped" me for a woman he met in a bar. She eventually dumped him, but I was just so sad that at our ages (40's) that his feelings for me weren't more respectful. He could not handle seeing me as a friend - he had to see me as an old girlfriend, and I'm still hurt by that. I've had to just cut off the friendship altogether, and its just added insult to injury. When Bill died, I was a mess - way overweight, hadn't slept a full night in years (children then husband with congestive heart failure), and life was really hard. I can't compete with the girls that hang out in a bar - I don't really want to. Bill was an executive with two offices - a systems consultant - and I feel like everything I've had is gone. I'm not 23 and bouncing around a bar and I'm no longer married to someone who loves me - I'm just a widow trying to get my life together again, feel healthy, finish my degree and raise kids. Who is going to find THAT attractive?! As I said, I always had feelings for Dan, and even was infatuated with seeing him again after Bill died, which helped me get through a very difficult time, but after all the work we did in the Jaycees together and with the death of my husband and father, I feel as though I meant nothing more than a piece of meat and its devestating. With everything I've gone through, I'm so far above that mentality, but I feel as though i'm in the minority.
I would really like to go to Madison (Wisconsin), by myself - no kids - and just walk around the lakes downtown, drink coffee and visit the cemetery and grieve. No friends or relatives, either - just being by myself and no "happy face" for anyone.
Well, I feel better for writing. I know there is all sorts of issues that crop up after a loss, but there are some you just don't think you'll ever deal with again or that you can at least keep a little peace in your heart when it comes to something from your past - now I lost that. :( Maybe its God's way of saying its time to have more faith and the future will get better.
There is a guy I know named Dan that I had dated before Bill, and I really loved him a lot, but we had different religions and I felt that he didn't want to get serious with me because of that so I dated Bill and settled down. I always considered Dan a friend, and I always had some feelings for him, but after I came back to Madison when Bill died, he told me how much he loved me and that I was "the one" for him (his marriage didn't work out), and he regretted not getting more serious with me. This was a lot to take after Bill died, but I always loved him and we enjoyed talking to each other - 4-5 hour phone conversations - but as I started to support him in his life, he gained some confidence and "dumped" me for a woman he met in a bar. She eventually dumped him, but I was just so sad that at our ages (40's) that his feelings for me weren't more respectful. He could not handle seeing me as a friend - he had to see me as an old girlfriend, and I'm still hurt by that. I've had to just cut off the friendship altogether, and its just added insult to injury. When Bill died, I was a mess - way overweight, hadn't slept a full night in years (children then husband with congestive heart failure), and life was really hard. I can't compete with the girls that hang out in a bar - I don't really want to. Bill was an executive with two offices - a systems consultant - and I feel like everything I've had is gone. I'm not 23 and bouncing around a bar and I'm no longer married to someone who loves me - I'm just a widow trying to get my life together again, feel healthy, finish my degree and raise kids. Who is going to find THAT attractive?! As I said, I always had feelings for Dan, and even was infatuated with seeing him again after Bill died, which helped me get through a very difficult time, but after all the work we did in the Jaycees together and with the death of my husband and father, I feel as though I meant nothing more than a piece of meat and its devestating. With everything I've gone through, I'm so far above that mentality, but I feel as though i'm in the minority.
I would really like to go to Madison (Wisconsin), by myself - no kids - and just walk around the lakes downtown, drink coffee and visit the cemetery and grieve. No friends or relatives, either - just being by myself and no "happy face" for anyone.
Well, I feel better for writing. I know there is all sorts of issues that crop up after a loss, but there are some you just don't think you'll ever deal with again or that you can at least keep a little peace in your heart when it comes to something from your past - now I lost that. :( Maybe its God's way of saying its time to have more faith and the future will get better.
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