Somewhere between reality and fantasy
This morning i woke up for coffee and noticed Roscoe, Joes dog, had eaten almost a whole small chocolate bunny.
Joe left it out last night by accident. I was more concerned for the dogs health but Joe got pissed. I did not like the way he reacted when i told him. He stuck the dog in his cage and went back to bed. Its not the dogs fault however Joe thinks he should know better.
Ive decided, Im not going along with Joes behavior. As a matter of fact, sometimes it down right pisses me off. It makes me even more decisive to be self reliant. This morning i was just wishing i was alone, waking up in my car...having to make the decisions for myself everyday. I think i was so starved for affection from Roomie that im somehow living this fantasy now with Joe...and Im really making it more than it actually is.
Its like the little girl who didnt get her fathers attention growing up and meeting the first loser that pays her mind. Thats me. Thats what I did.
Atleast im not in denial..i recognize this behavior. I guess im exactly where I need to be right now to learn this lesson. Its another boring week at work. But...im not looking forward to the coming weekend. The restuarants and bars are opening up. Ive already made my mind up that i wont be going out with Joe and drinking. I need to save that money. I just dont see this working out long term. Im in full flight mode again but stuck at the Corona airport runway not being able to take off.
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For what it's worth
I believe denial, too, is a phenom worthy of balance. Denial can be a useful tool when filtered through compassionate awareness. When somebody is royally pissing me off, it be a good moment to ignore them by design. I'm not ignorant. I'm igNORant. Please practice proper social distancing while I ply strictly personal therapy tools.
In the applied psychotherapy surrounding my own frequent flier pattern, taking the time to meditate on the diffs between *running to* and *running from* was a literal lifesaver for me on more than one occasion. Panic carries more immediate consequences on a natural disaster scene than it does in a bedroom or at a staff meeting.
But that is me. . .
Continued support while you sort your own, my sister-in-healing.
How people treat their pets is a good indicator of their disposition and their nature. I get more upset about how people treat their pets than how they treat people. Pets don’t have a voice and can’t choose to just be like, screw you I am outta here.
I am sure I had strong father issues when I was younger, starving for attention from men who would pay me the least bit of attention. I’m pretty sure every relationship choice I made has had something to do with that, and I think that’s part of the reason I married later, in my 40s. I was kind of always aware I wasn’t with people for healthy reasons so thankfully the relationships never lasted long term. That’s why I was single for a lot of my life as well. Usually people starving for attention and love end up never being alone, so they don’t always pick good people. I was so starving for attention and love that it alarmed me to the point I felt I could never be with anyone. And so I just tried to never get close.
Why label it as flight? Flight seems so dramatic, like our flight or fight response to danger. Maybe it’s just simply the recognition this is not going to work. I’m really happy for you that you are starting to find some clarity.
I just get upset with myself-I'm to the point where I don't want anyone and would prefer not to make those choices anymore.
I get that. Getting upset with yourself serves no real purpose though, right? Does it undo anything? Nope. I think clarity and self awareness and getting a little fired up are catalysts for changing things, however. Don't see this as a " made my bed and now I've gotta lay in it" thing. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You've committed to nothing except maybe an idea of someone or something which is not binding. It's ok to decide you want something better for yourself. And what better than YOU.
Be gentle with yourself and patient with the process, my sister-in-healing. You are worthy of self-love, just the way you are.
May the self-acceptance lead you to places you never imagined under the influence of self-loathing.