Sometimes We Struggle
I'm constantly fighting tears the last few days. I don't know exactly what has brought it on. I think we all come to learn that this is part of our normal; to feel the sting in our nose, the tightness in our chest, our eyes burn with tears unshed but ready to fall with very little provocation, even the anger that we're struggling to keep in check... I'm not saying I'm unable to cope. I have been coping, I can and I will. Sometimes as you all know its rougher than other times...
October will be 10 years since Cara died and I'm struggling. My daughter died when she was hit by a car while walking up an access ramp here in Baton Rouge. It was 3:22am. She should not have been there. She should have been either at my house in bed or with her husband and children in their home and in bed. Its a long story and will always make me sad.
Cara's death was an accident, but it was in my opinion an accident looking for a place to happen. I've faced the fact that my questions, even if I find the answers, won't change the fact that Cara's earthly life is over. I hate it... I miss Cara here in this life. I want to hear her call me mama. (I had a dream a few nights back and I heard Cara call me mama. It was a pretty crappy dream but I was so grateful to have heard her call me mama even if it was just in a dream.) I want to see her, to touch her, to sit at the table and talk to her. I'm rambling here because I know you my SOTH you understand.
Constantly I think of bits and pieces of songs I have heard... Yesterday I was recalling lines from You Were Always There... Donna Fargo I think... the lines I was recalling... 'you were always there, so we never took the time. For you to tell me your dreams or me to tell you mine... there were so many things that should have been, but now will never be... cause kids don't know much... and you were always there...
So I guess that's more a song from a child to his/her mom... but its really true for many of us... even when we have a lifetime to share... looking back we find many things we wish we had talked about with our loved ones after they pass on...
I wish I'd talked to Cara about what makes life worth fighting for, worth not taking risks, fighting addiction without cease, worth living... That's only one of the things I wish I'd told her... Since she died its seemed most important that she know how much I loved and love her... I write it often hoping somehow she can see it and know. I hate that she died perhaps thinking that she wasn't loved or needed. So not true.
Sometimes I wonder if by chance isn't by chance at all. What made me decide to write today was a response from NTMom on a poem I posted by my friend Yvonne some months ago... My heart was saddened for her. I often find my heart yearning to help other moms. I'm not sure how but I do think I need to be more active on the Daily Strength and Facebook sites for ForMomsOnly. I'm not very good at and simply don't think I have the patience to write every day to a great number of people offering comfort/support. I am truly so grateful for those moms who do and feel like they have and continue to be the backbone of FMO.
I am truly grateful to my SOTH and all they have done and continue to do. FMO continues to be a well spring of comfort and support for me and so many others. That is why I'm going to post a copy of this journal in the discussions on FMO and on Facebook FMO. I hope maybe new moms coming into the group will find strength and hope from my post and know that while I may not be as active as I might wish; I and many others are here for them. Sending Prayers for all of us to find comfort and support and Hugs. Elissa and Cara
October will be 10 years since Cara died and I'm struggling. My daughter died when she was hit by a car while walking up an access ramp here in Baton Rouge. It was 3:22am. She should not have been there. She should have been either at my house in bed or with her husband and children in their home and in bed. Its a long story and will always make me sad.
Cara's death was an accident, but it was in my opinion an accident looking for a place to happen. I've faced the fact that my questions, even if I find the answers, won't change the fact that Cara's earthly life is over. I hate it... I miss Cara here in this life. I want to hear her call me mama. (I had a dream a few nights back and I heard Cara call me mama. It was a pretty crappy dream but I was so grateful to have heard her call me mama even if it was just in a dream.) I want to see her, to touch her, to sit at the table and talk to her. I'm rambling here because I know you my SOTH you understand.
Constantly I think of bits and pieces of songs I have heard... Yesterday I was recalling lines from You Were Always There... Donna Fargo I think... the lines I was recalling... 'you were always there, so we never took the time. For you to tell me your dreams or me to tell you mine... there were so many things that should have been, but now will never be... cause kids don't know much... and you were always there...
So I guess that's more a song from a child to his/her mom... but its really true for many of us... even when we have a lifetime to share... looking back we find many things we wish we had talked about with our loved ones after they pass on...
I wish I'd talked to Cara about what makes life worth fighting for, worth not taking risks, fighting addiction without cease, worth living... That's only one of the things I wish I'd told her... Since she died its seemed most important that she know how much I loved and love her... I write it often hoping somehow she can see it and know. I hate that she died perhaps thinking that she wasn't loved or needed. So not true.
Sometimes I wonder if by chance isn't by chance at all. What made me decide to write today was a response from NTMom on a poem I posted by my friend Yvonne some months ago... My heart was saddened for her. I often find my heart yearning to help other moms. I'm not sure how but I do think I need to be more active on the Daily Strength and Facebook sites for ForMomsOnly. I'm not very good at and simply don't think I have the patience to write every day to a great number of people offering comfort/support. I am truly so grateful for those moms who do and feel like they have and continue to be the backbone of FMO.
I am truly grateful to my SOTH and all they have done and continue to do. FMO continues to be a well spring of comfort and support for me and so many others. That is why I'm going to post a copy of this journal in the discussions on FMO and on Facebook FMO. I hope maybe new moms coming into the group will find strength and hope from my post and know that while I may not be as active as I might wish; I and many others are here for them. Sending Prayers for all of us to find comfort and support and Hugs. Elissa and Cara
Replies
Yes, you are so right, Elissa, sometimes we do struggle and it becomes the fabric of our BEings now. It can really catch me by surprise when the tears just flow and I had that experience last week while in my spiritual direction group. We were doing our \"check in\" and when it came to me and I began telling the narrative about Linc, my dear friend with cancer, and now Rebekah, my son\'s former girlfriend who was just diagnosed with brain cancer and the tears overwhelmed me. One of the women who is a hospice doctor in the group said, \"This is very painful for you I would think because both of these people are so very close to your son and it\'s another heart tether that is being pulled so very tight.\" She got it and said what I had been feeling and had not formed into words yet.
I too wonder why our Cara and Douglas could not move through their addiction and into healing. It will always be with me too and Doug and I did speak of it and I truly believe he thought he could keep doing what he was doing and the consequences would not be his. He had just lost a friend a few weeks before to an overdose and still he did not believe it would happen to him, I believe. I used to tell him that he was a cat that had used up eight and three quarters lives and i meant it.
I appreciate your journal very much and know that others will too. I think it\'s in the understanding that this is a path we walk for a lifetime and that it\'s not going to be \"over\" while in our earth suits. The longing, the missing and loving our children is a constant. The reason I come to FMO is that it\'s my time with my son and with each of you who are my healers and who are the memory keepers of ALL the children.
Loving care and SO much understanding,
XO Joanie
Hi Elissa,
I already responded on the discussions page. So here I will just tell you I am sending lots of love and tight hugs, Leda
You offer hope to moms. Time matters not. Whether our child has been gone a week or 20 years, we still hurt. I too have times when I just want to cry. I still have times when I will be talking about Lisa and the tears well up.
Lisa called me Mummy. Her co worker told me that she could here Lisa in the next office. I sometimes called during her coffee break and she always answered \"Hi Mummy\". So many times I think \'I wish I could ask Lisa about that\' or \'Lisa would love this shop\'. It just plain hurts. But we cope; we incorporate this sadness in to our being. Yes, we laugh, sing, dance and feel joy. But it is always tainted with sadness because our beloved kids are not here.
I am glad you shared your story. I know you will help someone.
I hope you are feeling better. I think of you but am very haphazard when it comes to connecting.
Love and tight hugs, M
I think struggling is just part of life now. It seems like just living takes so much effort. I have been finding the tears come more often lately too. I am wondering if it is partly knowing that Mother\'s Day is coming soon.
Thank you for sharing here. Hugs,
Both of my sons were heroin addicts. Michael died and Jason is recovering. Jason and I just had a visit on Sunday and I was asking him how he and his fianc will approach the addiction issue with their (now) 6 month old daughter. (Jason\'s fianc is also a recovery, they met in NA). I told Jason how much I often wish that I had drilled into their heads the danger of drugs but I was ignorant of it myself. I had no idea about heroin and never dreamed they would even encounter the stuff! Well, he and Shannon will have to figure out themselves how they will raise their daughter, but she will grow up in the NA environment. Your journal is so helpful! We are not alone in the things we think about. I often wish that I could ask Michael about some little minor detail that was not important when he was alive, but seems so important now. I told Jason just the other day that I have no idea how many tattoos Michael had. And I wish I had asked him more about how he got shot in the eyelid with a b-b gun when he was 8 years old. And I wish I had told him that I loved him more often. And on and on it goes and will until my last dying breath. LIttle things seem so huge now. Like the fact that I am now living in the 4th place that Michael has never stepped foot in. And driving cars now that he has never been in. I cling to little things, like, well, at least I am at the same job where he would come see me and my Mom still lives in the same house where he often visited. I wonder silly things, like is there still a nose booger somewhere on this earth that was his or a fingernail clipping. Is there a fingerprint left in the house that I raised my boys in? Oh well, rambling here myself now. XOXO Peace.
Yes, I am also learning that this road has continous ups and downs. In July it will be 3 years since my beautiful Colleen passed, but when I walked through a toy shop today, I saw some familiar toys that put the past right there infront of me!! Colleen\'s toys, I saw her playing with her toys again, I saw her happy face and heard her laughing again,...............and then I just felt sick!!! I couldn\'t stay there any longer so I hastely left the shop........!
Gentle hugs to you, dearest Elissa! xxx
I have been crying more lately too. On May 18th it will be 9 years for Alex. How can that be? And yet it is. And here I am coping along with you and other moms...but that loss is always under the surface. Anything...everything can bring it to the surface. We do the best we can.
Thank you for sharing here and of FB...I am certain it will help others...love and hugs...Karen
Elissa, i am sure that you have helped many of our soth, with your love and understanding. There are so many questions that we wish we could ask Cara and Dean, but that is not to be. It just hurts....
((((HUGS)))), Julia