Sometimes, we get reminded why we do this work
One of the trade-offs of my new job is that rather than working directly with survivors, I work within the "system" of our state to develop victim-care programs. It's meaningful and necessary work, but it also removes me from the intimacy of personal care. That's a loss I'm not sure how to even grieve, and I resent it.
Tonight, I had a jarring reminder why this is so crucial work. I shook a hand that was nearly scorched to raw bone and looked into the eyes of a face held together by elastic wrappings. This woman had survived being doused with fuel and set on fire by her husband. Her entire body was nearly destroyed, and her skin had the deep molten whorls of a topographical map. With her were her children, a rambunctious cluster.
Stuff like that brings me up out of the mundane annoyances and feuds and irritations that distract us. Those things are luxuries; this woman is a living reminder of what the front lines of this work are really all about.
Tonight, I had a jarring reminder why this is so crucial work. I shook a hand that was nearly scorched to raw bone and looked into the eyes of a face held together by elastic wrappings. This woman had survived being doused with fuel and set on fire by her husband. Her entire body was nearly destroyed, and her skin had the deep molten whorls of a topographical map. With her were her children, a rambunctious cluster.
Stuff like that brings me up out of the mundane annoyances and feuds and irritations that distract us. Those things are luxuries; this woman is a living reminder of what the front lines of this work are really all about.
Replies
Thanks Matt for sharing this story.
I was pondering this today and the phrase \'give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and you feed him for life\' came into my head, I was minded of you. Thanks for sharing (and sorry it is a \'fishy\' analogy!)
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing that story.
I\'d like to invite her to next year\'s retreat! She wants to speak out, but also would benefit from the company of the rest of you.
I hope you do invite her :) Whether she speaks out or not it would be great to have her there.
Follow-up: Editorial in Tulsa paper, including interview with my boss, Marcia Smith:
By JULIE DELCOUR Associate Editor
Published: 10/17/2010 2:24 AM
On March 9, George Martinez lay handcuffed in an Oklahoma City street after he was arrested for setting his wife, Laura (Martinez) Milvey, on fire. \"I hope,\" Martinez had screamed, \"that she burns in hell.\"
Unfortunately, Laura Milvey already had.
Minutes before, Martinez had barged into her home. As the couple\'s three young children watched in terror, Martinez had ripped off Milvey clothing before she managed to get away, fleeing to the backyard. But Martinez had come after her, sloshing gasoline over her body and down her throat. Then he struck a match, torching his wife of 12 years. What he didn\'t count on was that she\'d survive.
Funding for mission
In years past, the Oklahoma Capitol dome has been lit in purple for one night at the beginning of October to mark Domestic Violence Awareness Month. It wasn\'t done this year - too costly for a state deeply in the hole. Instead, those on the front line against violence had lit luminarias on Oct. 6 - lining the steps leading up to the Capitol\'s front door. The gesture was both symbolic and strategic - done to remember those killed and injured by domestic violence and to remind the public as well as those in power of the toll the domestic violence epidemic exacts.
One in four women in Oklahoma will be impacted by domestic violence.
Marcia Smith, executive director of the Oklahoma Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Abuse, said she\'d consider it a victory if coalition agencies could just hold level in funding next year - an unlikely possibility since lawmakers next session will face the largest budget hole in state history.
In its latest Violence Policy Center report, Oklahoma ranked 15th in the nation for the number of women killed by men. Smith considers that a good year. In times past, Oklahoma has risen as high as No. 4 and consistently ranked in the top 10. What would matter more to Smith is if the downward trend continued for several years. Only then, she says, could real progress be measured.
\"No crisis centers closed that we work with. That\'s miraculous,\" she said. \"It speaks to what service providers have done with a lot of commitment but fewer resources. They provide core services but they cannot do as much outreach and education programs and job training.\"
In its annual report, the Domestic Fatality Review Board reported that only one victim killed in 2008 had received services. The balance of the more than 30 victims killed in domestic violence incidents unfortunately had not sought coalition help.
Smith, who\'s worked against domestic abuse for 20 years, said what \"makes a difference is keeping victims away from perpetrators. Crisis services are huge. They keep women and children alive.\"
By the same token, if victims don\'t receive extra services such as counseling and job training while making a transition they often have nowhere to go but back to the source of their anguish.
A year before the attack, Laura Milvey had fled across two states to escape Martinez, who she had known since she was 12 and who she had married at 16. Milvey had hoped to start a new life. She had confided to neighbors, however, that she thought that her estranged husband, who lived in Albuquerque, N.M., would find them. Her fears turned into reality when Martinez showed up.
After the attack, Milvey and her children had managed to flee to the home of a neighbor, who called 911. By the time police arrived, the skin was sliding off nearly 40 percent of Milvey\'s body. She remained in a coma for six weeks, coming out of her ordeal alive but badly disfigured. Last summer she confronted Martinez for the first time, testifying in Oklahoma County District Court with a cloth draped over her burns.
Martinez has pleaded not guilty and his case is pending.
The coalition offers shelters, transitional housing, legal advocacy, counseling services and crisis hotlines. Thirty shelters are spread out across the state but there are \"shelter deserts,\" where no services exist. One Altus crisis center serves seven far-flung counties, with transportation always an issue for victims.
Smith has another fear. She wonders what will happen when Attorney General Drew Edmondson leaves office in January. Edmondson has championed victims rights for years. The coalition operates under the auspices of his office. He has made sure that law enforcement, service providers, district attorneys and courts all received training on how to deal with victims of domestic abuse.
\"His office is so wonderful about making victim services their focus. That had never happened before,\" Smith said. \"Our prayer is that whoever replaces him will have that same commitment. It is so important that when victims reach out that they get the same kind of consistent response.\"
In 2008, 18,686 clients were served by coalition partners. Yet, so much more could be done if there only was enough money to do so.
In the months since the attack, Laura Milvey has recovered enough to speak out. She hopes to encourage other domestic violence victims to do the same. Smith has heard Milvey\'s message and has become an admirer.
\"It is an absolute privilege to know her,\" Smith says. \"She was horribly disfigured. Her arms were nearly burned off. She has bandages under her chin to support the muscles so that her head and neck do not sink down into her body. She went through incredible pain. But she has the most wonderful attitude. She wants others not to make the same mistakes. She wants to make a difference.\"
Milvey, only 28, tells listeners that she wants them to know what she did not know when she was a young girl. Nobody, she says, ever talked to her about older boyfriends, about teen pregnancy, about the incredible toll domestic violence takes on a life.
Wow, what an incredible woman. It would be an honor to have her at the retreat next year.
I have no words.