Sometimes the pain, well, really hurts.

Tonight is one of those nights. I think that I sense myself getting farther and farther away from him. Thankfully, but all the same it hurts. This is where I want to be. Even during the heights of the emotional storms I *know* that he is the man who tore my family apart. This is what I wish to remember during the storms and now I do. This keeps me from reaching out to him. It is a new development and a very important one. One that is going to finally, I believe, allow me to let go.
It surely hurts, though. Someone put the words this way in a post earlier that I cannot find. She said, "he tore my family apart" and it just took my breath away. This man, the one I chose, the one I married, the one I had children with and trusted, he tore my family apart.  He ruined it. It still hurts so much sometimes that it is hard to breathe. I think of my children's faces and I can't bear it. I feel a rumble of utter hatred deep inside. A feeling I have never felt before. Primal and scary.
 
I have said this again and again... I don't want to give this man anymore power. He is a weak, alcoholic, selfish, hateful man who has used me, abused me, and tore us all apart in more ways than I can count. I want him so far out of my life that I forget his name. I want him gone. I hate him so much. I want to tell him so but I fear that is just "contacting" and I don't want to do that. I want to feel like *I* have the upper hand for once. I want to be the one in control. I want to make the decisions. I want to ignore his calls. I want my own power.