Sometimes Sleep is the Best I Got
Cried myself to sleep last night after huz left. I originally thought he'd head back to "old house" mid-day so he could get there at a reasonable hour, eat dinner, and then go to bed, but no. He said he was going to sleep here and leave at 2am so he could get to work in time. Except he didn't. He waited until just after dark and then left, and dark is always the hardest time for me, even in the best of circumstances.
I suck at change, but I do better when the change is outlined and planned so I can just follow the road map and know what to expect. Throw a monkey wrench in the plans and I'm lost.
After crying myself to sleep, I wasn't up to talking to him when he tried calling at around midnight. I could hear the phone ringing in the other room, but I knew if I got up to get it, I'd just start crying all over again and wouldn't be able to sleep. Instead, I sent him an imessage from my ipad and told him I was sleeping (which I had been) and then I rolled over and fell back asleep again.
I'm sure there were better ways to handle it, but I had to do what I could to get through. I do not like being separated. It's interesting that he kept placating me before he left with, "Remember I love YOU" (an empty statement since he said he loved me while he was having the affair) and "I'm YOURS" and such... interesting not because I found dishonesty in it, but that it meant so little to me. I wasn't upset (in that moment, anyway) that he would run back to the old house and hop in the sack with the OW, I was more worried that I couldn't handle things without him. I've played at single mom too many times in my life, and it's HARD. For those of you who are single parents 24/7 365... you have earned my praise and respect.
It's not just parenting. This is the first time I've been without my husband AND my oldest son. I've always had my son to hold on to, even when he was tiny and Huz went away to boot camp. Now my oldest son is further away than my husband and I'm left with a son who (most days) resents and despises me and a daughter who in turns hates/clings to me. I know that they are just going through stages and that this move is taking its toll on them, as well, but ugh.
I tried tentatively reaching out to friends after huz left, but they're all "far away" friends, and truthfully, the response I got was tepid, so I left it alone. Sleep was about the best I could do.
Today I kept busy. I rebuilt the pond in the yard and put the pump back in. I constructed my daughter's Ikea desk and her new chair. I planted the herbs I bought with Huz yesterday. Now I hurt all over and am glad for my giant tubby so I can just relax and (hopefully) sleep again tonight.
Cos seriously. Sometimes sleep is the best I can do.
I suck at change, but I do better when the change is outlined and planned so I can just follow the road map and know what to expect. Throw a monkey wrench in the plans and I'm lost.
After crying myself to sleep, I wasn't up to talking to him when he tried calling at around midnight. I could hear the phone ringing in the other room, but I knew if I got up to get it, I'd just start crying all over again and wouldn't be able to sleep. Instead, I sent him an imessage from my ipad and told him I was sleeping (which I had been) and then I rolled over and fell back asleep again.
I'm sure there were better ways to handle it, but I had to do what I could to get through. I do not like being separated. It's interesting that he kept placating me before he left with, "Remember I love YOU" (an empty statement since he said he loved me while he was having the affair) and "I'm YOURS" and such... interesting not because I found dishonesty in it, but that it meant so little to me. I wasn't upset (in that moment, anyway) that he would run back to the old house and hop in the sack with the OW, I was more worried that I couldn't handle things without him. I've played at single mom too many times in my life, and it's HARD. For those of you who are single parents 24/7 365... you have earned my praise and respect.
It's not just parenting. This is the first time I've been without my husband AND my oldest son. I've always had my son to hold on to, even when he was tiny and Huz went away to boot camp. Now my oldest son is further away than my husband and I'm left with a son who (most days) resents and despises me and a daughter who in turns hates/clings to me. I know that they are just going through stages and that this move is taking its toll on them, as well, but ugh.
I tried tentatively reaching out to friends after huz left, but they're all "far away" friends, and truthfully, the response I got was tepid, so I left it alone. Sleep was about the best I could do.
Today I kept busy. I rebuilt the pond in the yard and put the pump back in. I constructed my daughter's Ikea desk and her new chair. I planted the herbs I bought with Huz yesterday. Now I hurt all over and am glad for my giant tubby so I can just relax and (hopefully) sleep again tonight.
Cos seriously. Sometimes sleep is the best I can do.
Replies
Sorry you are in this crappy place. Soon everything will fall into place and feel better. The thing is how to get there. I hope all of you find that path soon, but especially you.
My household usualy feeds off of me and my moods. When I\'m content and focused on my own happiness then like a well oiled machine, everybody begins to do the same. The marriage has to be the first to follow. I\'m not sure if this is the same for you but maybe look back into history and Annalise if your family system works siliarly. If so, then of course taking care of you, your emotional and mental well being is crucial.
Think of what you can do for you.
Pink
Once he is here full time and not just half the week, it\'ll all be fine.
Hoping it\'s sooner than later.
((( hugs))) I am
So sad for you :-(
Ok so why isn\'t your husband home full time? Im lost.