Sometimes my best is just not good enough!!!
I am scared and that is hard for me to admit. I am fading away and the isolation is taking a huge toll on me. It is so quite here that I can hear the sound of my own heartbeat.Yesterday something happened that left me reeling.I think it was some sort of panic attack. I felt like the walls were closing in all around me.I cry out and I can scream outloud and no one would ever hear me.
How did this isolation and aloneness take over my life.It was so easy to begin with.This is what I needed.I could be out here and then no one would have to see my pain, I would not need to explain myself, I could hide away, my home became my prision.
I do have blessings and I am thankful for the two people that I have in my life. Yet it will not change the fact that I have little to no contact with the outside world. Aloneness can destory a person, and I have fought so long and hard to not have that happen.
I am dealing with this estrangement better than ever.I am just not dealing with the loss of me that well. I remember a girl that could walk into any room and feel right at home.I can recall being able to talk to anyone with out fear.Now she has been replaced with this scared shell of a person.
I don't know how to love myself , I don't know how to give to myself.I have become someone that I don't know.I am broken and the years of pain and loss have taken a toll. As the days melt into one another it is hard to hold onto the dreams that I have. There is still that little voice in my head telling me that I don't deserve to even have dreams.
Yet here I am having a pity party for one. I think of all that I have been through, I think of what will never be and the one thing that I know for sure that continues to eat away at the fabric of my being is hearing my mother explain to me why she did not love me. What I would not of given to have been loved by her, wanted by her.I would give anything to have a mom that was here for me, that I could pick up the phone and have her on the other end tell me that everything will be ok and that I am loved just because.
So I will face this day and I will try harder tomorrow and I will contiue to pray that soon this isolation will end.
How did this isolation and aloneness take over my life.It was so easy to begin with.This is what I needed.I could be out here and then no one would have to see my pain, I would not need to explain myself, I could hide away, my home became my prision.
I do have blessings and I am thankful for the two people that I have in my life. Yet it will not change the fact that I have little to no contact with the outside world. Aloneness can destory a person, and I have fought so long and hard to not have that happen.
I am dealing with this estrangement better than ever.I am just not dealing with the loss of me that well. I remember a girl that could walk into any room and feel right at home.I can recall being able to talk to anyone with out fear.Now she has been replaced with this scared shell of a person.
I don't know how to love myself , I don't know how to give to myself.I have become someone that I don't know.I am broken and the years of pain and loss have taken a toll. As the days melt into one another it is hard to hold onto the dreams that I have. There is still that little voice in my head telling me that I don't deserve to even have dreams.
Yet here I am having a pity party for one. I think of all that I have been through, I think of what will never be and the one thing that I know for sure that continues to eat away at the fabric of my being is hearing my mother explain to me why she did not love me. What I would not of given to have been loved by her, wanted by her.I would give anything to have a mom that was here for me, that I could pick up the phone and have her on the other end tell me that everything will be ok and that I am loved just because.
So I will face this day and I will try harder tomorrow and I will contiue to pray that soon this isolation will end.
Replies
Madeer, I\'m feeling your pain & sorrow and know, as well as you, that the negative situation you\'re in is affecting your physical & mental well-being. Your mom\'s gone; you won\'t get the mother\'s love you deserve -- but you\'re not high & dry. A good therapist will help you to learn how to love yourself, to bring your locus of control inside you where it belongs, guide you thru steps toward a quality life and finding your own identity again. You\'re not alone -- we may not be warm bodies next to you, but we\'re as close as your keyboard...you\'re not alone. Please step outside of this downward spiral -- play some music to break the quiet -- I care about what happens to you. You are loved, just because...
Hi Madeer,
I am new here but I could not help but to feel your pain in your post. I think we all have those feelings sometimes, especially if we live out in the country and are somewhat isolated. I live in the country and feel all alone also. I do have my dear DH. But my family lives in another state, and then of course I am estranged from my ED.
But you know, if we put this into perspective, and look at our place in the vast universe which is endless, and we see our little earth from outer space, as the astronaunts do, we see that we are just a tiny speck in a vast ocean of stars and galaxys. So in that sence we are not alone, we are on this earth and we are very rare.
I think it is wise to concentrate on the people in our lives who are there for us and who do love us for who we are, and who KNOW who we are. And the ones that don\'t want to know us, or never really took the time to get to know us, well then, they have missed out on something right?
I have come to believe that the most important relationship I can have is with God. And as long as I feel loved by Him, then I am alright.
Your mother sounds like a sick person. So knowing that, perhaps you could look at it as you really lucked out by not having to be around her very much because she was abusive to you it sounds like. She is your biological mother but now your soul mother. Some parents give birth to their children and then they abandon them. And I have found in my life that God has provided older women to me who were like mothers to me. And He has also given me girlfriends that were like \"sisters\" to me, because my real sister is a poor excuse for a sister.
OTHER people fill in the gap. And if we keep wanting the biological ones to love us when they are obviously incapable of doing so, we are just spinning our wheels. The kind of love that they would give us is not love anyway. It is more about sadistic power and control. We don\'t need that.
So, I hope you will concentrate on the genuine love that you do have in your life from those who know who you are, and who know how to love...
i hope you have better days soon xxxx
Chin up my friend. I have been where you are right now and can assure you that living one day at a time and one moment at a time. Seeking a stronger walk in my faith and belief has helped the most, if you would like I can share that with you too. I will keep you in my prayers.
jannette