Sometimes my best is just not good enough!!!
I am scared and that is hard for me to admit. I am fading away and the isolation is taking a huge toll on me. It is so quite here that I can hear the sound of my own heartbeat.Yesterday something happened that left me reeling.I think it was some sort of panic attack. I felt like the walls were closing in all around me.I cry out and I can scream outloud and no one would ever hear me.
How did this isolation and aloneness take over my life.It was so easy to begin with.This is what I needed.I could be out here and then no one would have to see my pain, I would not need to explain myself, I could hide away, my home became my prision.
I do have blessings and I am thankful for the two people that I have in my life. Yet it will not change the fact that I have little to no contact with the outside world. Aloneness can destory a person, and I have fought so long and hard to not have that happen.
I am dealing with this estrangement better than ever.I am just not dealing with the loss of me that well. I remember a girl that could walk into any room and feel right at home.I can recall being able to talk to anyone with out fear.Now she has been replaced with this scared shell of a person.
I don't know how to love myself , I don't know how to give to myself.I have become someone that I don't know.I am broken and the years of pain and loss have taken a toll. As the days melt into one another it is hard to hold onto the dreams that I have. There is still that little voice in my head telling me that I don't deserve to even have dreams.
Yet here I am having a pity party for one. I think of all that I have been through, I think of what will never be and the one thing that I know for sure that continues to eat away at the fabric of my being is hearing my mother explain to me why she did not love me. What I would not of given to have been loved by her, wanted by her.I would give anything to have a mom that was here for me, that I could pick up the phone and have her on the other end tell me that everything will be ok and that I am loved just because.
So I will face this day and I will try harder tomorrow and I will contiue to pray that soon this isolation will end.
How did this isolation and aloneness take over my life.It was so easy to begin with.This is what I needed.I could be out here and then no one would have to see my pain, I would not need to explain myself, I could hide away, my home became my prision.
I do have blessings and I am thankful for the two people that I have in my life. Yet it will not change the fact that I have little to no contact with the outside world. Aloneness can destory a person, and I have fought so long and hard to not have that happen.
I am dealing with this estrangement better than ever.I am just not dealing with the loss of me that well. I remember a girl that could walk into any room and feel right at home.I can recall being able to talk to anyone with out fear.Now she has been replaced with this scared shell of a person.
I don't know how to love myself , I don't know how to give to myself.I have become someone that I don't know.I am broken and the years of pain and loss have taken a toll. As the days melt into one another it is hard to hold onto the dreams that I have. There is still that little voice in my head telling me that I don't deserve to even have dreams.
Yet here I am having a pity party for one. I think of all that I have been through, I think of what will never be and the one thing that I know for sure that continues to eat away at the fabric of my being is hearing my mother explain to me why she did not love me. What I would not of given to have been loved by her, wanted by her.I would give anything to have a mom that was here for me, that I could pick up the phone and have her on the other end tell me that everything will be ok and that I am loved just because.
So I will face this day and I will try harder tomorrow and I will contiue to pray that soon this isolation will end.
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