Sometimes it's just to QUIET!
Well here we are another Holiday weekend to try to get through on my own. I just keep telling myself for each Holiday I get through it's one more step toward healing. Sometimes I wonder who i'm actually trying to convince. It's like all the other Mantras I have to keep repeating to myself everyday. One day I would like a life with out Mantras and Rituals or Special Little Sayings that I say to myself to help me get through. I always thank God for each day and I try to recognize my blessings and good things in my life in the mist of all this pain and sorrow. Maybe some days I don't want to say " Go out and make it a great day T" or " Look at what he left what a complete IDIOT" " Karma is a BITCH and one day he will get his" " Just remember T you are a strong, smart, loving person you can do this" " God has a plan for you he wouldn't have you go through all this pain if there wasn't a great reward or something better waiting around the corner"
Does anyone else talk to themselves like a complete crazy person, or is it just me. Why do I feel the need to repeat these things everyday just to get through the day. Is life always going to be like this. Second guessing myself now he keeps calling and texting saying he wants to talk to me but I just ignore him. He is already behind in support now my rent has to be late and I get stuck with the late fees. Still there's a part of me that wonders. Why now??? It's been 8 months final papers ready to sign this week. We have all been through so much pain, guilt, anger, resentment, crying, screaming, sleepness night, days on coffee and a piece of toast. I just want it to end now. I want to have a real smile on my face. I want to feel a real laugh from the belly. I want to enjoy a meal again and not just eat because kids are noticing it's been a couple days since I ate last.
I can't watch a tv show if it has a happy couple kissing or listen to the radio. Shelby went to the store with me yesterday and there was a cute couple holding hands in the line I didn't notice but Shelby turned to me and said " Mom you are giving them the dirtiest look right now rolling your eyes and huffing a little" I am? I didn't even notice because I guess it's like a habit now. I'm starting to hate happy couples I just don't want to be around them right now. I feel like it's not fair why do they get a happily ever after and I don't? I played by the rules I followed all the laws Gods and Man's always helping others and giving so much to everyone. And this is what I get in return????? I WAS RIPPED OFF!!!! It really sucks I did everything I was supposed to only to end up sad and alone.
It's just to quiet here. I put on a football game just to hear the familar sounds of Sunday's during football season. Only instead of a house full of family and friends cheering their favorite teams on to victory, and eating wings, ribs,and homemade rolls with a nice chilled beer. I'm here all alone trying to gag down a plum and a bottle of water. I thought things were supposed to get better over time but i'm feeling WORSE NOW WHY???? Somedays I don't think i'm going to make it and it scares me so much. I have this little boy to raise and i'm the only parent he really has left. Poor kid he got a bum deal. I hope better days are ahead I really do. Stay with me God please..........
Does anyone else talk to themselves like a complete crazy person, or is it just me. Why do I feel the need to repeat these things everyday just to get through the day. Is life always going to be like this. Second guessing myself now he keeps calling and texting saying he wants to talk to me but I just ignore him. He is already behind in support now my rent has to be late and I get stuck with the late fees. Still there's a part of me that wonders. Why now??? It's been 8 months final papers ready to sign this week. We have all been through so much pain, guilt, anger, resentment, crying, screaming, sleepness night, days on coffee and a piece of toast. I just want it to end now. I want to have a real smile on my face. I want to feel a real laugh from the belly. I want to enjoy a meal again and not just eat because kids are noticing it's been a couple days since I ate last.
I can't watch a tv show if it has a happy couple kissing or listen to the radio. Shelby went to the store with me yesterday and there was a cute couple holding hands in the line I didn't notice but Shelby turned to me and said " Mom you are giving them the dirtiest look right now rolling your eyes and huffing a little" I am? I didn't even notice because I guess it's like a habit now. I'm starting to hate happy couples I just don't want to be around them right now. I feel like it's not fair why do they get a happily ever after and I don't? I played by the rules I followed all the laws Gods and Man's always helping others and giving so much to everyone. And this is what I get in return????? I WAS RIPPED OFF!!!! It really sucks I did everything I was supposed to only to end up sad and alone.
It's just to quiet here. I put on a football game just to hear the familar sounds of Sunday's during football season. Only instead of a house full of family and friends cheering their favorite teams on to victory, and eating wings, ribs,and homemade rolls with a nice chilled beer. I'm here all alone trying to gag down a plum and a bottle of water. I thought things were supposed to get better over time but i'm feeling WORSE NOW WHY???? Somedays I don't think i'm going to make it and it scares me so much. I have this little boy to raise and i'm the only parent he really has left. Poor kid he got a bum deal. I hope better days are ahead I really do. Stay with me God please..........
Replies
Loneliness seems to be the topic tonight. I\'m 4 years post divorce and it\'s just now hitting me. Probably because the friends I made in Divorce Care are gone.
I have the TV on for background noise. I talk my way through farm repairs. I sill know that even though I do get lonely; I\'m still so much better off without the ex in my life.
This will get better. You have a job and are out on a daily basis. You will make new friends and have activities that will involve other people. You will miss these quiet times in your life. Hang on it will get better and yes, I\'m telling myself that too.
It hit me today too but it\'s late now so think I\'ll go to bed.
I talk to myself all the time like that! You are doing awesome! You will be so fine you won\'t even recognize yourself after all of this. Probably don\'t right now! But it will get better and it will all be OK. I\'m right there with you with all that stuff. But we are both on the road to healing.
That\'s why they call it a rollercoaster because it\'s a hell of a ride - your in a low right now - but will pop back. It just can\'t be like this forever - it can\'t be. (Hugs)
T, my friend, the anger and hurt and bitterness you describe are all normal at this stage of the game. Don\'t fool yourself into thinking that \"the papers\" are going to just make all of those feelings go away. You have heard it from me and others here many MANY times -- this is A PROCESS -- with no set timeframe and no particular order. You will work it through at your own pace and one day, nothing he says or does will have the profound effect on you that it obviously still does today.
You are a woman of faith, so you should know, understand and trust the wisdom of your God. Do your best to give all this stuff to God and then let it go! Trust that when you are truly ready, someone special will be sent into your life -- and not a moment before!
Use this time to get to know YOU better. Learn to trust your own judgment and be secure within yourself -- all by yourself. A relationship should never change WHO YOU REALLY ARE! and if you expect it to, it is a recipe for disaster.
Yes, the ritualistic self-affirmations may have to continue for quite awhile yet. My guess is, you were lacking in self-confidence for a very long time BEFORE your marriage went down the tubes. This was the case for me, and while I denied it, once I OWNED it, I realized that I had a lot of hard work to do on ME before I could expect to have a healthy relationship.
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep in touch!
Not a great weeked for me either. It is like not being grounded after knowing how things go for so long.
Let it out. let it out. let it out. This just sucks and it is understandable that you feel rotten sometimes. I am starting to look forward to the changes though. I wasn\'t happy, content, secure for so long, I barely know what that is. This is the journey to finding ourselves and it hurts bad. Our DS sisters tell us it won\'t always feel this way. Hold onto that hope. You can get through this.
You know you can\'t do it well without sleep and food. You gotta be there for yourself and your kids. Try to get some sleep and to eat some healthy snacks and make plans to get together with friends everyweek and vent like crazy here.
Keep up the good work, you are awesome and you are having a bad day. It happens.
I know the feeling--sometimes you just want someone there to talk to. I also spent months giving myself little pep talks--I still do from time to time.
It\'s all part of the grieving process. Things will get better.
Hugs!
Thanks my DS sisters my own army of angels who are there when things turn dark. I know there is light ahead just have to be patient and let it happen in it\'s own time. Getting out of the house today going over to my friends for a barbeque and even though I hate being around insanely happy couples right now. IT\'S BETTER THAN BEING ALONE... Plus they really love me and want me to be happy. They want me to come over and play cards and have a beer even if it\'s just for a little while. Plus they want me to bring my falling off the bone juicy hot wings. Umm wonder what they want more me or the hot wings... Hope everyone has a great day today let\'s just all make it the best we can. Even if it\'s just for a little while try to put our troubles and hurt away......
Thanks again everyone,
T
getting out today sounds great.. i too know the feeling of not being able to watch \"happy ending\" shows...even some commercials are over the top for me.. I hope in time this passes.. yes we have been ripped off.. i have a hard time with that and the fact that i cant change it.. not being given the opportunity hurts.. We will keep moving, and I for one can only hope i am around to see Karma at its best.. i see flashes of it , he is not a real happy camper, but then neither am i.. when i can laugh, yes the real deep down in the belly one you talk about, i will know i am getting there. enjoy the day.. peace and hugs right out to you.. (my son comes back tonight, how about yours?? )
Yeah I hear you. I so can relate to you seeing the happy couples. I always look at them the same way.
I,too, give myself the pep talks and the affirmations. I need them to get through day by day.
Good for you for getting out and going to the barbecue. You are loved and cherished so go have a great time!Please put away your troubles and have fun!
Thinking of you!
:) Maggie
yes I know what you mean about those happy couples, I too give myself the I am going to come out of this pep talk, I feel anger that my ex can get away with a new life of happiness and I am left to deal with the pain, it really is not fair. but I am religious to a certain degree, I do believe in karma, that is all that keeps me going for now...my faith , I do hope you and all of us can enjoy the odd day during our roller coaster ride, have fun at your bbq
No you aren\'t the only one who talks to yourself, I do it and if you\'re crazy, I guess I am too.
You need to eat sweetie you\'ll get down if you don\'t, then who will the handsome little guy have to do anything for him?
And yes I have had the same feelings about other people\'s happiness,and have wondered why I couldn\'t find that same thing.
If it weren\'t for my little dog, I don\'t know what I would do, unlike many people he loves me in spite of my faults, he has more sense than many people, he realizes no one is perfect!!!!!!!
Lynn